Where are you from? No really--where are your originally from?

I've had the first question asked of me for more than 30 years since living in Utah.

"Where are you from?"

I used to think that it was just an innocent question--and would happily answer: "Mexico City, but grew up in Houston, Texas"

A few years ago I started thinking, is there some other meaning to this question? I figured I lived in Utah for long enough to consider it my home so I started answering: Salt Lake City, over by the West side. Surprisingly enough, I got the follow up: 

"No, really where are you from?"

"Um--well, if you must know--my family is from Mexico and I grew up in Texas, but Utah has been my home longer than any other place I've lived in, how's that?"

It almost felt like a "you're not white, surely you're from somewhere else, certainly not from Utah"--I'll admit it stung a little, but not really much--I'm not into being offended about everything so I just let things go whenever I get that question asked and to be fair, I still have an accent so it is pretty obvious I wasn't born in Utah, so there's that...

The other day a friend posted the question: "Where is home to you?" I like that question a lot more.

Maybe I blame my mother--she was sort of a nomad and I honestly she never felt home anywhere. To her home was her birthplace in Mexico City and moving around and changing scenery was never a big deal to her, I swear in the 10 years I lived in Texas we moved 10 times (maybe I exaggerate--not sure) but we sure shuffled around a lot. 

Texas never really felt like home, I love Mexico City, where I was born but Utah has a special place in my life--no other place has felt like home--not just when I was active/Mormon and believing, it continued after my church activity ended (lord knows I tried leaving a couple of times but returned to Utah), and any other lifetimes---and it still feels like home. 

I'll admit that living in Utah wasn't all flawless either--I also moved a ton--I don't even want to think of the times I moved until I landed in my current place years ago that has been home and have managed to remain still (and plan on it for several more).

But overall--Utah is home, it feels like home--I love to travel and go see new places but there's a certain level of familiarity and comfort that comes with living here, and I like it, even as an out-gay man living in a state with a predominant religion that isn't that accepting. The reality is that Salt Lake City itself is a big-ol gay-borhood and anyone who thinks otherwise is not looking.

So next time I get asked "where are you from?" I'll try blurting out "Salt Lake City" then move on to elaborating my whole life story, but I'll end up saying "Utah is home".

The Time I almost Went to my Mormon Mission Reunion

A couple of weeks ago I received 3 messages from people: "Hey, the mission president wants to have a reunion, why don't you come?" or some variation of that. 

I joked with 1 of the messengers:

Me: "Sure, can I bring the husband along?" 

Messenger: "I don't see why not"

Me: "You're right--I don't see why not--I'll plan on it"

I then informed the husband what the plan was and he was fully on board joining me. My thoughts at the time were that it has been a long, long time since I'd seen anyone from the mission and surely 30+ years later, I don't know how much longer the president/wife will be around and I honestly did think how little things like me not being an active Mormon (or a member at all), being totally out and having a husband would not be a big deal, right?

Right?

I am out on social media--those that are friends with me from the mission days know, I don't hide anything and while we don't really talk about it and I had decided when I came out that I wasn't going to live different lives. Aside from maybe Pride and National Coming out Day I honestly don't spend lots of time flaunting rainbow flags, etc. Being gay is just a part of who I am just as much as being a former missionary, a dad, a worker, a human etc.

 I didn't think much more of it until the morning of the reunion when I felt cold feet. I messaged a few friends to ask their opinion. Most of their opinions were why would I bother going to a place where I haven't seen anyone i n years, have nothing in common and put myself in a place where I might incur the judgement and wrath of someone who might be self-righteous? 

Let alone in the middle of a pandemic.  

I'll admit to having at least morbid curiosity about attending.

Only one friend was of the opinion that it was a good idea and that a gay couple in the middle of all those Mormons would be a good thing.  

By noon, I made the decision not to go--I think the cons outweighed the pros and I basically chickened out. I saw some pictures the next day, but part of me wished I had gone. 

I can't figure out what gave me the feeling that I missed out (while logically this all makes no sense!).

Do I still want to be liked and get approval from people that mean nothing to me?  

I don't know how others feel, but after all is said and done, I don't regret having gone on a mission--I honestly didn't have anything better to do with my life at the time. It was a huge influence in my life, for future life decisions and unlike others, I don't feel like many that it was the BEST TWO YEARS--nah, but it also wasn't the worst two years either. 

On the other hand, I don't feel the need to relive the glory days of being 20 and thinking I knew everything there was to know about life, religion and spirituality--(as if!). I did talk to someone that reassured me that there was self-righteous talk, after all--it is a Mormon mission reunion--duh!

I don't even know why I felt the need to write about it, so here I am.

If anyone reads this, in my situation--what would you have done?

Losing a Parent

I've debated whether to post about this or not; after all, sharing one's vulnerabilities online is not really something that I like to do, but I also feel like people don't really talk about this stuff a lot and I feel like I kinda need an outlet.

So my mother died a little over a month ago. It wasn't unexpected, she had been fighting cancer for many years--lots of treatments, scans, radiation, chemo, side effects, many things that healthy people probably don't even realize can happen when someone is diagnosed with the big C.

I also feel like I need to explain that my mother had a personality that brought on a lot of issues to others--aside from my standard mommy issues as a gay man, there were so many other layers of issues that we dealt with: My leaving the LDS church--that was probably more traumatic for her than my coming out of the closet (since she knew that part since I was a kid and all) and other things that frankly at this point don't matter anymore. Anyway, long story short--mom and I had kept a respectful-once-a-week-call-over-the-phone relationship since she lived in another state. It was cordial but really superficial 'how's the weather, how's your health?' kind of a thing.

The point of my story--I did get a chance to say goodbye in person about a week or two before she passed. I'll admit that while there was high drama going on everywhere around mom, siblings, family and others, I think I managed to keep most of my wits about me during the trip to see her--thank heavens for my husband who was a huge help during that time and pulled me away from a few situations when I asked and was a huge support!

We made it back home and she went into a hospice center where after a few days I got the notice that she had just passed. When I heard of her passing, which I had anticipated and had told myself for years how I was going to handle things, my reaction was more or less calm but also a rush of thoughts and emotions--some good, some bad--but I still went through some emotions I was not entirely ready to process.

I noticed that friends and other family reached out, showed care, love and concern in unusual ways. Of course you have to be grateful for caring and thoughtful people who surround you with love, condolences and offers for "if you need anything". I thought about this for a while and realized that some of these people had also lost a  parent and have been through the emotional rollercoaster of losing someone that significant in your life or at the very least dread someday having to deal with that situation, hence the extended empathy.

I don't think it mattered that mom and I were not the best of friends or that we were not super close as other mom-child relationships seem to be; I think at the end of the day, nothing prepares you to lose a parent, it is a hard thing to go through, I rank it up there with the high traumas of my life. I think it just sucked to lose her and I hope I will feel like I'm processing things by writing about it.

Crazy hu?

So there's been some ups and downs; a lot of the feelings have come through, maybe a song I hear and I know she loved, it may be through a picture someone posted or a note from a sibling or my step-dad who is still sorting through things. Sometimes there's tears, sometimes there's just feelings and I'll be honest, sometimes there's nothing...

I loved my mom but it was really difficult to love her at times. I know she loved me too and maybe a lot of things she did were out of love--I don't know and at this point I honestly, don't care to know. Part of me makes me feel like an ungrateful son, part of me feels like I have the right to feel any way I want and I shouldn't be making excuses for the way I chose to maintain the kind of relationship I had with her even up until the end.

Funny how humans and relationships and feelings work!

So there's that!

Goodness--where have I been?

Time flies...

It is not that I don't have enough things to say on a blog, in fact I have several drafts on thoughts that I've started, saved and think that I'll come back to finish some other time and then I don't...

I do check my page a few times a week and that's where I usually catch up with the blogs I follow or the good ol' Moho Directory.

Life is just busy, not the best explanation but probably the best reason...

I guess it goes to show for those that wander where will the deplorable path of the gay agenda that people warn you about--if you ever want to follow it:

Get up
Get ready for work (being awake is debatable)
Get to work and put in a full day
Come home
Make dinner
Clean up dinner
Go take a class if there's one going on (guitar, cooking, there's lots of that)
Catch up on the DVR if there's time

Sometimes you're lucky enough to have friends over for dinner so entertaining is a must and a very re-charging activity

Sometimes you're lucky enough to get invited to a friend's place for dinner and be entertained--works both ways and that's great when it happens.

On weekends:
Catch up on chores and cleaning, laundry, etc, etc (blah!)
Catch up with family activities
Check in on parents
Get to work on whatever project is going on at the time.
Clear out the mail basket, pay bills, plan for the week.

Lather--rinse--repeat...

A couple times a year:
You get lucky enough to get away for a week somewhere maybe fly out or drive off for a long weekend.
Explore the place (oddly enough be dead tired by 9pm and crash).
Get out of the normal grind.

Somewhere in between life happens, friends and family call/text, you check in on a loved one who is sick, you watch a new relationship bloom, another relationship end, babies born, babies grow, people grow, some get sick and some of them die...

YEP gays are causing all kinds of horror and distress on the world --personally I am not certain where I could find the time and energy for it--I might just be too exhausted. 

I have no time or energy to rack up my brains about what was said at the last LDS general conference, or what apostle or public relations media release says about me, my husband, our lives--I'd rather spend my time/energy on other stuff (I still see the stuff, I live in the middle of it--just choose not to let take a prominent place in my life).

I have made a conscious decision not to get too political on social media--what I may have to say will not change or help sway anyone's mind--so what's the point?


And that--is the story of my life...

Where have I been? 
Probably trying to live it...
Enjoy the sunset...
Enjoy a flock of birds fly by...

Funny how some things seem to be more significant as time flies (read get old)....

What's the point of this post?

Oh yeah--I'm still around

Labeling Families

It's been a while since I last updated this blog. Part of me feels like I may have moved on enough to let all Moho things go, but almost without a doubt, every April and October topics of general discussion revolve around whatever someone has said at the LDS Church General Conference, sure a lot has to do with the place I live, I get it and then I don't really get it.

For the record, I stopped minding what is said there a long time ago, most of it does not affect me and frankly most of it is repetitive in nature. The only conscious thing I do during GC is to avoid driving downtown--it is usually a madhouse there--besides I rely on the news to re-cap something that might be considered outstanding (new temples announced, etc).  I also see some of the feed on friend's Facebook posts--this might sound harsh, but even as a believing member I don't recall paying so much attention to most of what was said in General Conference as I see a lot of Ex-Mormons and Mohos do. Is it that we may be looking for key words to incite controversy? I am not sure...

I responded to one friend's rant about the latest controversy of someone or other calling some types of family "counterfeit" by noting that it has been a while since most of what is said up there means much to me, good or bad. I certainly don't allow my life to be guided by what they say, I don't define my relationship based on what they think. I'm more or less at the point of let the haters spew perceived hate (or whatever) and I don't give them credit one way or the other--so why do others still allow that?

I have read from some posters that they're complaining on behalf of anyone-- perhaps that kid or a grownup in the closet that might feel angst and might go into depression or suicide attempts after hearing those words--I get it, I would like to think there's validity to this issue, is there more that could be done, do we all have an obligation to do something?

Where is the balance?

I really don't have the drive to become an activist at this point, I really don't--I appreciate those who find it in themselves to scream and shout and let it all out--after all, most changes have not happened because someone just sits back... Sure, there's things that rub me the wrong way if I look hard enough just about anywhere, but that's just not my personality. In my mind there's more to be said by letting things be, don't give haters the time of day by propagating their messages, sharing what someone might say that is offensive and spend my time doing better things with my life.

Is it apathy?

Is it carelessness?

Is there a point where I should rise up with the masses and burn my proverbial bra in protest?

I honestly don't know...

I realize now that the topic of this post & picture really don't have much to do with what I actually wrote...

How do you feel, if you made it this far down?

It IS a big deal and it is NOT a big deal...

Two weeks ago (yes I'm late writing about it)--I got to work and things went haywire on Social media as the US Supreme Court had decided that they did not want to hear anything about the State of Utah's appeal for equality marriage, therefore making the Federal District Court's decision stand, no more appeals and no more waiting:

Gay marriage was/is finally legal in my home-state of Utah!!

Of course it is a big deal--the media was probably expecting the rush of couples racing to the court house, it was interesting to watch the broadcasts of the county buildings with only a handful of couples but otherwise not a big rush like what we were seeing in December, it is a big deal because of all the controversy involved in a conservative state like Utah where one religious entity still appears to call many of the shots at several levels of life. It is a big deal because no matter how vocal some people are, it is the new law of the land, much sooner than anyone expected.

The reason I don't necessarily think it is a big deal is that equality marriage has been happening for more than 10 years in many countries and US States, governments have somehow managed to still operate, life has adapted and moved on--the world did not stop turning. It is a formality of things that we've seen coming for a while. I don't think it should be confusing what to do with rules, statutes and current laws because--well, this has been happening already. I hear the voices of "what if churches are obligated to perform same-sex marriages under the new law?" (they're not, by the way)--and even if for some weird notion were, why would I go ask a religious leader of a church that does not accept me to do it?

 

So my stance is that it is a good thing, we've been waiting for it, we'll move on--isn't that how it happens elsewhere? Why is Utah any different? Of course people have asked about why aren't we rushing, when is the date, what's the plan? We have talked about getting married but it is still very much a discussion right now. I've had this conversation with my kids and both are pretty supportive. Still, our lives are such at this moment that it isn't a huge rush to have to make a decision

BUT

If we were to decide to get married it is great to know that it is a valid and available option for me, my partner and many other people in whatever situation they live. I realize that there are certain benefits that we want to take advantages of and many rights that we would not have otherwise and when the right time comes--it isn't a question of if, but when and we'll go from there.

 

What does need to happen is for people--myself included--to stop calling it "Same-sex-marriage, equality marriage, gay marriage, non-traditional marriage, traditional marriage, heterosexual marriage" and just call it "Marriage"--I can get on board with that!

Going home...

 I'm going to do something this month that I have not done for so-very-long. I'm going home to Houston to see my parents and taking my partner with me. Last time I went to Houston in 1999 my parents actually lived in Utah so technically I have not been to my parent's Houston home for over 20 years. I realize I don't HAVE to go home but it appears that the planets have aligned and it is a good time to make it happen.

How am I feeling? Depends on the moment I'm thinking about it. There has been a lot of excitement, coupled with anxiety, some uncertainty, a couple of "breathe, man, breathe!!" moments but overall I'm excited to go back, to go home and see family and some old friends, again, it is time to just do it.

See this is the first time I'll be going home as an all-out-gay-man. Not only that, I'm bringing my partner and while most of my siblings have met Jeff, my parents have not. At this point it isn't a matter of winning their acceptance, permission, even their blessing. It is a matter of them seeing me in my present life situation and where it has taken me. Now this will not be a surprise to them--I am out to them, they know about my partner and we've had several phone conversations about all of this, in fact we're staying in their house for a few days, in the same room with their approval, so none of that will be a shock to them.

The part that freaks me out a little is the always lingering thought that one goes through in the process of coming out to a new person, a new job or in a new situation, that someone will NOT be okay with it and make things uncomfortable all around. I'm not confrontational by nature so this issue creeps in my mind to a certain extent but I am also at a point in my life where I basically don't care who accepts and who doesn't, who is comfortable and who isn't. The best way I've learned to deal with uncertain situations is to NOT make a big deal out of things in the first place and most people are able to go from there. That's what I did when my very LDS siblings and spouses came to visit a couple of years ago, that's what I did when my non-active brother and his family came to visit and that is what I do with my family and frankly, Jeff's family when we attend family events and such.

Since that's what has worked in the past, that's what will be my plan, I just need to keep this in the back of my mind and move forward:

I trust it will be a positive experience--if, for some obscure reason it turns out to not be positive, then I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it but for now, I'll just remember to breathe, breathe, breathe!!

I Want My Dad to Finally Come Out

I read this link today from the Advocate:

http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/09/20/op-ed-i-want-my-dad-finally-come-out

My heart broke in many pieces reading the writings of this gay man's child.

I saw myself and yes, even the pain of my ex and kids in many of the paragraphs, the pain that is felt between the lines. Quite honestly when my ex-wife told me that I was not only hurting her (I had known that for a long time) but that the kids were also being hurt with all of the mess we were causing I couldn't handle it anymore and decided it was time to come out---in many ways even at the price paid, things never got as bad as the article.

Often times as parents we think we're protecting others from pain and misery, but in reality I think I was trying to protect myself. I can't say it was easy, I can't say it wasn't painful--there have been few if anything more painful than separating, not being able to tuck my kids in bed every night and be there for their waking up time, but after many years I can say it has been worth it.

Any Moho (and non) contemplating marrying a woman for the sake of family, society, church or themselves ought to read this and consider where will their life be down the road.

Word....

Reflections on 20 years

Today would have been the 20th wedding anniversary---

I reflect on it, not because I wish I was still married or because I miss all of that craziness that should have never happened, but because of how far I've come since I took a deep breath and decided I had to do something about it all or it was going to end up killing me.

Yes, back then I wanted the fairy tale, I wanted the family, the house with a white picket fence, kids and a dog--hearing from my religious leader at age 23 that getting married would give me a sexual outlet and do away with my feelings felt like the silver bullet I'd been looking for all along--yes it was naive of me to think that way--but even in 1993 there didn't seem to be any other viable alternative. I didn't know any out/open gay person, I didn't know of affirmation, evergreen (thank heavens) or other support groups, although they apparently existed back then--even so, the possibility exists that anyone who would have wanted to knock some sense into me would not have succeeded--I was that determined to make everyone happy--everyone but me--and prove that I could do this.

I struggled for years figuring out how to undo the mess I had created and how dragged my now ex-wife and two children into it all and realized over and over that no matter what I did it was going to be painful if not deadly. How could I say the words out-loud, how could I admit that the choices I had made back then caused more damage and kept increasing the misery day by day? How could I have done that to someone else? To myself? Just how? Sleepless nights were spent thinking about this, crazy days were spent worrying about that; days turned into months, months turned into years, when was the madness going to end?

Years later I very much realize that what didn't kill me did make me stronger, and surprise, it really got better---I have my two children who in spite of it all still want to have a relationship with me, love me and make me proud to be their dad; a relationship with a loving, caring partner who is my best friend and who motivates and encourages me to be a better person every day--something that I couldn't even wrap my head around a few years ago; I have caring friends who have been there for me in many ways in my deepest, darkest times.

My current life can probably only be explained as a combination of luck and blessings--and yet it is still product of the decision made 20 years ago so I really can't complain, it would be silly of me to say it was a mistake, I wouldn't be where I am had it not been for where I was on 7/23/1993.

It is still interesting how life makes one reflect...

What a week it has been!!

 

Last week was a whirlwind of activity. After it was announced on Tuesday that the Supreme Court was going to roll out all of their rulings on Wednesday things got crazy on social media. I could hardly sleep on Tuesday night and kept refreshing my web browsers for a while trying to make sense of it all. 

So in short (at least as far as my brain understands): DOMA is down, at least parts of it. Still kind of unclear if some or any of the federal benefits that are awarded to marriages translate to a couple living in a state where same-sex marriage is not recognized--some days it really depends on who is talking about it. Proposition 8 is dead and California gay marriages  are back and happening. 

Now comes another part of this. How do we make Equality Marriage possible in all 50 states. I keep thinking that it may actually be up to the courts--forget referendums, forget elections-if California's constitution can be challenged as to what defines a marriage, the same can certainly happen in the rest of the states that have done the same.One of my relatives went as far as to tell me on Facebook that Utah may not be the place for me to live. I think that's bunk--instead of running off somewhere else I want to stay here and fight for it in as much as I can, it is hard to tell exactly how right now, but that's what I believe.

I posted the following link with my own commentary:

"We have to work hard and make this happen. 

Yes, I could go and live/work to any other state that currently allows Marriage Equality but I am not going anywhere Utah...

I'm going to do what I can so that younger generations of kids and people

 (of any religion or cultural origin),

 are not afraid to come out and be themselves. 

If it takes 5 years, 10 years--however long it takes, bring it on!"

Marriage Equality in Utah Within 5 Years

So here we go, what can we do? Who can I talk to? How is it going to happen? Those are just some of my thoughts. I know I can't do it all alone, but I can certainly try to contribute in my own way. So I say get out the boxing gloves, learn about activism and hang on for a wild ride, it's going to be interesting!

Get Your Pride On!!!

 

Pride is here. It is a good time to celebrate--a few years ago I never imagined that I would get to celebrate, let alone participate in any kind of Pride events. Thank heavens that has changed. I posted a link to Seth Anderson's blog on my Facebook wall as a means to get some attention and possibly conversation going, it hope it helps a little--I did get someone at Zumba ask me about it and from the comments, it appears that their impression of Pride are still the debauchery, sinful and sex-driven attitudes--I get it, I used to think the same way so I don't blame them, but I also asked them to give things a chance and see for themselves--we'll see...

I was also talking to someone online who is getting his own wings at being gay and he asked me about what things I thought were important for coming out. I don't know if the things I said meant much to him, or others--those of us who have been out a week, a month, a year or a decade--but today this means a lot to me-but I told him some of the following as one of the things to remember in the process of coming out:

In this day and age, people have a wonderful world and global community at their disposal. Being gay isn't the taboo that it was 30, 20, and even 10 years ago. There are gay people on TV, government, movies, sports, media. More US states have passed gay marriage in the last six months and we are even waiting for decisions to come from the US Supreme Court.

However, it certainly hasn't always been that way and lots of people in all walks of life have fought, lobbied, suffered and have even died (Milk, Stewart and others-- some of whom we might only read obscure references in daily obituaries, or might even mention a partner in an awkward way) have all paved the way and allowed that for us--we need to celebrate them and we need to honor them equally.

Maybe it is just my point of view--but we are living in the best of times--or the worst of times, depending on the side of the fence one sits when it comes to gay issues. I see it as a good thing, if being vocal helps people be aware of the good things that being true to themselves at any of the L-G-B-T-Q (or as someone said: "Whatever") labels or conditions attached to their identity and if it helps someone gain better understanding and awareness (and why not, even gain respect) then it is a very good thing.

So get your rainbow on, celebrate, make good of this great time and just

BE PROUD!!!

No Place At The Table...

 Yesterday afternoon I was riding trax (the lightrail system in Salt Lake City) home and at a certain station, a bunch of missionaries heading out to their assignment got on the train dragging big suitcases. Turns out that instead of being bussed from Provo to the airport, they're pretty much handed a train ticket and sent to catch their flight at the airport on their own--interesting change.

Anyway, once they managed to get in and set their stuff down a couple of them sat nearby and a conversation started almost immediately: where are you going--(these ones are assigned to Cambodia), where are you from, etc, etc, etc. One missionary asked me where I was from and after the normal formalities he asked if I attended church. I said that I don't; he asked if he could know why? I answered "I'm assuming if you're asking me why I don't attend the LDS church and I'll tell you it is because I'm gay and there's no place for me at the table..."

 

The look on his companion went from friendly to a little guarded to serious, but they both still kept the conversation going, it wasn't many stations before I got off the train, but the one chatty elder kept asking some follow up questions and my answer kept revolving around: "there's no room for me at the LDS table, I don't fit in as a gay individual, much less with a partner on your Plan of Salvation elder, think about it--how do I fit in when all the talk is about mom, dad, 3.2 kids and all happily ever after each Sunday in church?".

 

I don't think he was prepared to hear that, but he still managed to say, "God still loves you" and I think he was surprised to hear from me that I know that, I've felt God's love and care for me and that my life is good, I manage to live a full life, I contribute to society, I told them I realize that the LDS church is leaps and bounds from where it was even years ago when the only answer I could get to deal with my situation was to get married hoping to heal it, but lots more needed to be done and I told them: "when you two are apostles, please make it happen so I have a place at your table, until then, there's not a lot that interests me there" at which time they smiled, my stop came, I wished them well and got off the train.

 

I thought about my encounter for a while. Even a few years back I would have never dared tell a complete stranger, let alone a set of LDS missionaries that I am gay and feel as confident expressing myself as anything in life and I honestly don't feel the anxiety I used to feel before talking about it. To me that is a good thing and I've come a long ways; but the bottom line is that indeed there's no place for me at the LDS table--I know a lot of people try to find a place in their own terms perhaps, or based on whatever the church is willing to give them--not me, no thanks--I will NOT fight for a place where all I can hope to do is a figurative place as a server, a cleaner or licking the crumbs that fall on the floor (in the figurative sense again--I don't want church scraps).

 

It is what it is and I'm quite content with my life to beg for full recognition in a place where it doesn't exist, regardless of what people may want me to believe otherwise and well, I've made a life outside that is just as worthwhile without needing their validation--that is a huge thing for me. I know staying in the church helps a lot of people change it from within and hoping something will change sometime and that is great, but I find no use in it...it is what it is.

New Zealand's Maurice Williamson: 'Rainbow across my electorate'

Great speech by this New Zealand's member of Parliament. Lots of common sense words and feeling. It really makes other countries (hint, hint USA) look like they're still in the dark ages...

Equality Signs go Viral

Unless you live in a remote village in the Congo or the Amazon with no news outlets you've seen this sign all over the place. It all started sometime Monday evening, I saw a few people change their Facebook profiles to this and I thought to myself: "great--here we go again, everyone will fall for it and change their profile picture" By the time Tuesday morning rolled around my feed was virtually a sea of red. Part of my reluctance in not changing my profile picture was that I did not want to offend anyone so I still waited but around 7:00 am I could not hold it anymore and pretty much told myself "F*@%-it" and jumped on the bandwagon.

Several of my gay friends liked the new picture--no brainer there, but most impressive was to see several of my "hetero" friends and a couple of family members who are very much allies in gay causes change their own profile pictures the same--several times during the day I chocked up tears of joy--it was electrifying to see more and more people change their pictures to red or some kind of version of it and voicing their support and cheers for us homos...

**I know several of my LDS and/or conservative friends and family are supportive, no question there, but oddly enough most were awkwardly silent all this time--I understand what it feels like to be afraid of what others will think, that people will interpret their 'likes' or even semi-friendly comments the wrong way--I get it. I would like to think that they were silently cheering for gay people in general but most important, thinking of my partner and I--instead of silently disagreeing or hating; and at the end of the day--have to admit that it is kind of hard not to take it personally-

"Sometimes actions 

Speak Louder 

than words"

-heck even an outward disagreement but in good respect would have probably been welcome--oh well, such is life and it is what it is; I'd like to think that I should just leave alone but how? I'll have to think more about this issue eventually, but for now I can not and will not let it bother me.

Of course anything that becomes viral has the chance of getting out of hand--the following pictures have the potential to go either way, so just for pure amusement and delight:

How about some equality bacon?

How about companies jumping on the Marketing fray? A local hotel that is likely grabbing lots of customers now!

Dogs will never discriminate against you--ha!!

In all seriousness:

This movement is happening--now or people will keep fighting for it to happen later. There's no going back. I know there are those who don't agree or don't understand and they may mask it all under the banner of:

"I love my gay friends/relatives

even if I disagree with 

their lifestyle" 

If you think this way, please, get off your high horse!! 

The way I see this whole issue is more about breaking barriers of misunderstanding if we just give people who are 'not like us' a chance. We live in a global society, rich in diversity, beliefs and customs that can enhance each others lives immensely. What we each believe in is irrelevant--it has more to do with how we treat each other because whether we live next door or 2000 miles away we're all connected and it affects our lives directly. In this day and age it is unfathomable to think that gay marriage would affect anyone negatively. There has been gay marriage in countries of Europe, Canada, Argentina, South Africa and even Mexico that have not affected morals, religions or society--for heaven's sake, why is the United States behind the times?

Gay marriage is not out to destroy anyone's marriage, the only gay agenda that exists is to get the same rights and privileges that a marriage contract brings which apparently go way beyond 1000--some of the are the right to be in the hospital with my partner if he/I get sick, right to inheritance, right to make life decisions, file taxes and have access to each others retirements without having to jump through hurdles that legal contracts now have-there are lots of laws that affect this and that's all.

I don't necessarily wish to marry my partner in a religious ceremony--and especially not in a church that is not affirming. I don't want to demand a LDS temple marriage, that is not the focus of this movement at all and anyone who thinks the contrary is out on left field--gay marriage doesn't put anyone's morals, values in question, but those who fight against it are showing their true colors--just think a little bit about that!

Feel free to share this with anyone you see fit--let's get the word out:

--it is time...

it really is time!!

Dinner Parties or Friendly Dinners?

The idea started a few months ago after we hosted a birthday party in October, we had a huge turnout and honestly, our apartment was too small and crowded to feel comfortable. We realized that the layout of our place is not good for big gatherings so being social creatures we talked about what would be a possible good alternative.

I remember my parent’s house being a gathering place for family and friends and once I moved out on my own, before I was married my little apartment became the place to go to after church, make a batch of whatever we were eating and share with about 5-6 friends. Once I got married I tried to keep this going but busy lives for us and my friends-and our/their wives just got in the way---see what I did there? he, he--they mainly didn't get along with each other so what was the point?...um; probably best to just leave that one alone. Also while growing up my parents had us kids set the table-it wasn’t anything more than get out the place mats, plates, utensils and drinking cups but it still had the feeling of a formal time to sit and eat together. I’ve gone back and do all those things when the kids come over to eat dinner on Wednesdays or Sundays as much as possible—I don’t know why I lost that and at what point eating with paper plates, and disposable cups became the norm—funny how some things happen in life.

Um...sorry about the tangent!

Back to the issue--Jeff and I decided that we would host smaller dinners with fewer people to get more of the intimate feeling and still be able to have a good time with others once in a while. So we’ve been inviting people over for dinner—at first it was once a week but then it became too much of a production and it seems to work best if we do it once every couple of weeks—typically a Monday night or adjust as needed based on schedules; but we go all out with the good plates, the good wine glasses, fabric napkins, napkin rings, full utensil set up the whole nine yards, what's the use of having fancy dishes if they never get used?—and I LOVE IT!

The best part is that we are able to reconnect with people from different points of life, singles, couples, we had Jeff’s ex-partner; we've also invited the first friend I ever admitted being gay to, new friends and old friends—It is fun to come up with “who are we inviting over next?” and figure out all the details. People are super-nice, we get to know them a little better and have a good meal, dessert, and wine or whatever drinks to share and good conversation. Most important we are back to what both of us enjoy doing, being social and hosting people at the house.

We’ve talked about branching out and consider inviting people we would normally not have over; maybe a married couple from my old days at church, or a couple of people from our Zumba class, a straight couple and yes, even some relatives without making it an official family function--in short invite people and yes, possibly even someone that would very much put us out of our comfort zone (sounds silly in my head, I know but we need to add all of these people to our list). 

I've loved bringing this part of myself back--I really do like doing it. So if you read this and have not been invited yet, or if you’ll be in Salt Lake City soon and have an evening to spare and some flexibility let me know, we would love to have you over and as the old saying goes:  “break bread", share some wine-or whatever your drink of choice is-have good conversation and laugh ourselves silly--really, do it! 

Song on the Sand - From La Cage Aux Folles

I try not to be too sappy on Valentine's day--after all if I want to profess love to my partner it should be done any day and every day if I want to--no need to have a day to remind me, but I find it both funny and maybe ironic that a song from a musical takes me there and I got to learn that this show is the musical version of the movie The Birdcage which I really like.

Anyway...

While browsing around Facebook I saw a message from Carol Lynn Pearson where she talks about stories related to this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYAHkm0t-mY

La Cage Aux Folles--the play was significant to Carol Lynn's husband who was dying of AIDS and wanted to see it--for the first time in theater it was the story of 2 guys in romantic love, something that even in the early 80's was not so open. In contrast she says that times are better, we can now be more open about our love, talk about it, show pictures and make it an open and public issue. Yes, times change, people's perceptions and even self-acceptance change.

Something about sharing...
Something about always...

okay, I'll stop the sappiness...

Still, long before knowing songs about love, I grew up knowing that Valentine's day was more than a day to celebrate romantic love:

In Spanish we say: Feliz Dia del Amor y la Amistad = Happy day of love and friendship and in my mind, love isn't only romantic, it should be shared in its many wonderful forms--that's just how it should be!

My fair life

Well the holidays came and are gone--it all seems almost like a blur...but they were good holidays, in fact my son mentioned that it was the best Christmas he had in many years--I think it had more with the fact that he is now working and was able to do some of his own sharing of cheer--good times!

We spent a good part of a Sunday clearing out the 2nd bedroom which pretty much came to be Christmas central--where all the bags, presents, boxes, wrapping paper and crafts came to rest while we figured out who they were going to, where they were being sent and all that good stuff. Afterwards we ironed a pile of clothing that had been neglected because we mainly had casual days at work and didn't need dress shirts; ironing is one of those chores that is left to the last possible moment--basically when there's no other choice, so we pop in a DVD and take turns ironing a few pieces each to make it easier and less of a daunting task.

This time the movie was My Fair Lady--I watched that years ago with my kid. It is one of those classic musicals that I love to watch and the music is great--of course Jeff and I get to sing along this time and somewhere in there I thought to myself: "I have a fabulous life--a great person in my life, we share in all things here, cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing and I get to do all of that while watching musicals... how much fortunate can I get?"

This is my fair life as of late...and it is damn good!

* 2012 In Review *

Last year I made some vague goals that didn't have specific tasks attached to them. I left things kind of open because I honestly didn't want to break any given resolution and I also wanted to leave the opportunity open for whatever adventures might come throughout the year. The things I listed as wanting to do were:

Something Magical

Something New

Something Unexpected

Something Scary

Well here's my interpretation of what happened in all those areas:

Something magical:  Moving in with Jeff--well this was actually the one resolution we made together, basically figure out a way to make it happen sometime in the year. We talked about the logistics, what it would mean in many different aspects and time frames. I ran this past my kids so they felt like I didn't make this decision arbitrarily and they were both cool with it. We had a couple of stressful months trying to make it all happen, because I was supposed to leave my place by certain time in April but then had to wait a couple of weeks to get into the new place, turns out that I was told my place had been rented so I HAD to be out....well one way or another it all worked out somehow and we got a nice place that has worked out for us in lots of good ways. 

It all came together around Memorial Day and the experience has been beyond my hopes and expectations. Sure we've had to learn new ways to adapt to each other and learning yet lots of cool (and quirky) things about each other even now. In many people's eyes this was long overdue--almost 2.5 years after being together as a couple, but in our eyes it felt right and I'm glad we made it happen---who would have thought that in the midst of my angst years ago I would find myself in this situation? Not in my wildest dreams...

Something New: For the first time in about 20 years I wanted a birthday party for me. I am not one to call attention to myself--I just learned to draw away celebrations or the possibility in many years of marriage and many other situations. But this year was different and although our place is not big at all and conducive for parties I invited my kids, relatives and friends from different walks of life to come and celebrate. It was a lot of fun--it was interesting to watch some of my worlds collide (my kids meeting some of gay friends, straight friends hanging and chatting with everyone). I heard from some people that it was a great experience, definitely a chance to put themselves out of their comfort zone and have a good experience. I should probably make this a yearly tradition... we'll see!

Something unexpected: Had my name removed from the LDS church--I actually had this in my head for a long while. I am not sure why I had waited so long to make it happen. Somehow or other the letter had just never been written and sent, so before the move in with Jeff I decided I wanted it done. I wrote the letter, sent certified-mail copies to the bishop listed on the LDS church website, the stake president and headquarters and heard back from headquarters about two weeks later with a pamphlet asking me to come back....um--okay---the official name removal about six weeks later. No hassles, no nightmares. 

I was glad to be able to move on and all the previous imagined anxiety I had about doing this fizzled out. In my best LDS-speak: "I'm forever grateful" for the time I spent being Mormon--I learned a lot, I grew as a person a lot, I enjoyed many relationships and friendships-some of which are still going even after coming out; my mission is still one of the best things that happened to me in my then 20-year old life--I don't regret any of it--but I also realize as Jeff calls it--that there's no place for me at the Mormon table and if for any reason that were to ever change, it would likely not change my feelings. It really was time to move on, so I'll just leave it at that.

Something scary: Some people know about this and some don't. I got a piercing--this is something that I wanted to do as part of my divorce back when--something for me, about me that the old me would have never done. Jeff got me a gift certificate last year so I really had no excuse. It did take me a few months to build the courage and yes I won't deny it, the experience was scary and full of adrenaline but it was not nearly as bad as I had expected (or as bad as the YouTube videos showed). I won't go into more details because, well--this is still my thing, LOL...

So it was a good year. I'm glad I saw the chances to make the things I wanted to do happen and here's to many great things happening this year and in the future---cheers!!