Goodness--where have I been?

Time flies...

It is not that I don't have enough things to say on a blog, in fact I have several drafts on thoughts that I've started, saved and think that I'll come back to finish some other time and then I don't...

I do check my page a few times a week and that's where I usually catch up with the blogs I follow or the good ol' Moho Directory.

Life is just busy, not the best explanation but probably the best reason...

I guess it goes to show for those that wander where will the deplorable path of the gay agenda that people warn you about--if you ever want to follow it:

Get up
Get ready for work (being awake is debatable)
Get to work and put in a full day
Come home
Make dinner
Clean up dinner
Go take a class if there's one going on (guitar, cooking, there's lots of that)
Catch up on the DVR if there's time

Sometimes you're lucky enough to have friends over for dinner so entertaining is a must and a very re-charging activity

Sometimes you're lucky enough to get invited to a friend's place for dinner and be entertained--works both ways and that's great when it happens.

On weekends:
Catch up on chores and cleaning, laundry, etc, etc (blah!)
Catch up with family activities
Check in on parents
Get to work on whatever project is going on at the time.
Clear out the mail basket, pay bills, plan for the week.

Lather--rinse--repeat...

A couple times a year:
You get lucky enough to get away for a week somewhere maybe fly out or drive off for a long weekend.
Explore the place (oddly enough be dead tired by 9pm and crash).
Get out of the normal grind.

Somewhere in between life happens, friends and family call/text, you check in on a loved one who is sick, you watch a new relationship bloom, another relationship end, babies born, babies grow, people grow, some get sick and some of them die...

YEP gays are causing all kinds of horror and distress on the world --personally I am not certain where I could find the time and energy for it--I might just be too exhausted. 

I have no time or energy to rack up my brains about what was said at the last LDS general conference, or what apostle or public relations media release says about me, my husband, our lives--I'd rather spend my time/energy on other stuff (I still see the stuff, I live in the middle of it--just choose not to let take a prominent place in my life).

I have made a conscious decision not to get too political on social media--what I may have to say will not change or help sway anyone's mind--so what's the point?


And that--is the story of my life...

Where have I been? 
Probably trying to live it...
Enjoy the sunset...
Enjoy a flock of birds fly by...

Funny how some things seem to be more significant as time flies (read get old)....

What's the point of this post?

Oh yeah--I'm still around

Labeling Families

It's been a while since I last updated this blog. Part of me feels like I may have moved on enough to let all Moho things go, but almost without a doubt, every April and October topics of general discussion revolve around whatever someone has said at the LDS Church General Conference, sure a lot has to do with the place I live, I get it and then I don't really get it.

For the record, I stopped minding what is said there a long time ago, most of it does not affect me and frankly most of it is repetitive in nature. The only conscious thing I do during GC is to avoid driving downtown--it is usually a madhouse there--besides I rely on the news to re-cap something that might be considered outstanding (new temples announced, etc).  I also see some of the feed on friend's Facebook posts--this might sound harsh, but even as a believing member I don't recall paying so much attention to most of what was said in General Conference as I see a lot of Ex-Mormons and Mohos do. Is it that we may be looking for key words to incite controversy? I am not sure...

I responded to one friend's rant about the latest controversy of someone or other calling some types of family "counterfeit" by noting that it has been a while since most of what is said up there means much to me, good or bad. I certainly don't allow my life to be guided by what they say, I don't define my relationship based on what they think. I'm more or less at the point of let the haters spew perceived hate (or whatever) and I don't give them credit one way or the other--so why do others still allow that?

I have read from some posters that they're complaining on behalf of anyone-- perhaps that kid or a grownup in the closet that might feel angst and might go into depression or suicide attempts after hearing those words--I get it, I would like to think there's validity to this issue, is there more that could be done, do we all have an obligation to do something?

Where is the balance?

I really don't have the drive to become an activist at this point, I really don't--I appreciate those who find it in themselves to scream and shout and let it all out--after all, most changes have not happened because someone just sits back... Sure, there's things that rub me the wrong way if I look hard enough just about anywhere, but that's just not my personality. In my mind there's more to be said by letting things be, don't give haters the time of day by propagating their messages, sharing what someone might say that is offensive and spend my time doing better things with my life.

Is it apathy?

Is it carelessness?

Is there a point where I should rise up with the masses and burn my proverbial bra in protest?

I honestly don't know...

I realize now that the topic of this post & picture really don't have much to do with what I actually wrote...

How do you feel, if you made it this far down?

It IS a big deal and it is NOT a big deal...

Two weeks ago (yes I'm late writing about it)--I got to work and things went haywire on Social media as the US Supreme Court had decided that they did not want to hear anything about the State of Utah's appeal for equality marriage, therefore making the Federal District Court's decision stand, no more appeals and no more waiting:

Gay marriage was/is finally legal in my home-state of Utah!!

Of course it is a big deal--the media was probably expecting the rush of couples racing to the court house, it was interesting to watch the broadcasts of the county buildings with only a handful of couples but otherwise not a big rush like what we were seeing in December, it is a big deal because of all the controversy involved in a conservative state like Utah where one religious entity still appears to call many of the shots at several levels of life. It is a big deal because no matter how vocal some people are, it is the new law of the land, much sooner than anyone expected.

The reason I don't necessarily think it is a big deal is that equality marriage has been happening for more than 10 years in many countries and US States, governments have somehow managed to still operate, life has adapted and moved on--the world did not stop turning. It is a formality of things that we've seen coming for a while. I don't think it should be confusing what to do with rules, statutes and current laws because--well, this has been happening already. I hear the voices of "what if churches are obligated to perform same-sex marriages under the new law?" (they're not, by the way)--and even if for some weird notion were, why would I go ask a religious leader of a church that does not accept me to do it?

 

So my stance is that it is a good thing, we've been waiting for it, we'll move on--isn't that how it happens elsewhere? Why is Utah any different? Of course people have asked about why aren't we rushing, when is the date, what's the plan? We have talked about getting married but it is still very much a discussion right now. I've had this conversation with my kids and both are pretty supportive. Still, our lives are such at this moment that it isn't a huge rush to have to make a decision

BUT

If we were to decide to get married it is great to know that it is a valid and available option for me, my partner and many other people in whatever situation they live. I realize that there are certain benefits that we want to take advantages of and many rights that we would not have otherwise and when the right time comes--it isn't a question of if, but when and we'll go from there.

 

What does need to happen is for people--myself included--to stop calling it "Same-sex-marriage, equality marriage, gay marriage, non-traditional marriage, traditional marriage, heterosexual marriage" and just call it "Marriage"--I can get on board with that!

Reflections on 20 years

Today would have been the 20th wedding anniversary---

I reflect on it, not because I wish I was still married or because I miss all of that craziness that should have never happened, but because of how far I've come since I took a deep breath and decided I had to do something about it all or it was going to end up killing me.

Yes, back then I wanted the fairy tale, I wanted the family, the house with a white picket fence, kids and a dog--hearing from my religious leader at age 23 that getting married would give me a sexual outlet and do away with my feelings felt like the silver bullet I'd been looking for all along--yes it was naive of me to think that way--but even in 1993 there didn't seem to be any other viable alternative. I didn't know any out/open gay person, I didn't know of affirmation, evergreen (thank heavens) or other support groups, although they apparently existed back then--even so, the possibility exists that anyone who would have wanted to knock some sense into me would not have succeeded--I was that determined to make everyone happy--everyone but me--and prove that I could do this.

I struggled for years figuring out how to undo the mess I had created and how dragged my now ex-wife and two children into it all and realized over and over that no matter what I did it was going to be painful if not deadly. How could I say the words out-loud, how could I admit that the choices I had made back then caused more damage and kept increasing the misery day by day? How could I have done that to someone else? To myself? Just how? Sleepless nights were spent thinking about this, crazy days were spent worrying about that; days turned into months, months turned into years, when was the madness going to end?

Years later I very much realize that what didn't kill me did make me stronger, and surprise, it really got better---I have my two children who in spite of it all still want to have a relationship with me, love me and make me proud to be their dad; a relationship with a loving, caring partner who is my best friend and who motivates and encourages me to be a better person every day--something that I couldn't even wrap my head around a few years ago; I have caring friends who have been there for me in many ways in my deepest, darkest times.

My current life can probably only be explained as a combination of luck and blessings--and yet it is still product of the decision made 20 years ago so I really can't complain, it would be silly of me to say it was a mistake, I wouldn't be where I am had it not been for where I was on 7/23/1993.

It is still interesting how life makes one reflect...

What a week it has been!!

 

Last week was a whirlwind of activity. After it was announced on Tuesday that the Supreme Court was going to roll out all of their rulings on Wednesday things got crazy on social media. I could hardly sleep on Tuesday night and kept refreshing my web browsers for a while trying to make sense of it all. 

So in short (at least as far as my brain understands): DOMA is down, at least parts of it. Still kind of unclear if some or any of the federal benefits that are awarded to marriages translate to a couple living in a state where same-sex marriage is not recognized--some days it really depends on who is talking about it. Proposition 8 is dead and California gay marriages  are back and happening. 

Now comes another part of this. How do we make Equality Marriage possible in all 50 states. I keep thinking that it may actually be up to the courts--forget referendums, forget elections-if California's constitution can be challenged as to what defines a marriage, the same can certainly happen in the rest of the states that have done the same.One of my relatives went as far as to tell me on Facebook that Utah may not be the place for me to live. I think that's bunk--instead of running off somewhere else I want to stay here and fight for it in as much as I can, it is hard to tell exactly how right now, but that's what I believe.

I posted the following link with my own commentary:

"We have to work hard and make this happen. 

Yes, I could go and live/work to any other state that currently allows Marriage Equality but I am not going anywhere Utah...

I'm going to do what I can so that younger generations of kids and people

 (of any religion or cultural origin),

 are not afraid to come out and be themselves. 

If it takes 5 years, 10 years--however long it takes, bring it on!"

Marriage Equality in Utah Within 5 Years

So here we go, what can we do? Who can I talk to? How is it going to happen? Those are just some of my thoughts. I know I can't do it all alone, but I can certainly try to contribute in my own way. So I say get out the boxing gloves, learn about activism and hang on for a wild ride, it's going to be interesting!

Get Your Pride On!!!

 

Pride is here. It is a good time to celebrate--a few years ago I never imagined that I would get to celebrate, let alone participate in any kind of Pride events. Thank heavens that has changed. I posted a link to Seth Anderson's blog on my Facebook wall as a means to get some attention and possibly conversation going, it hope it helps a little--I did get someone at Zumba ask me about it and from the comments, it appears that their impression of Pride are still the debauchery, sinful and sex-driven attitudes--I get it, I used to think the same way so I don't blame them, but I also asked them to give things a chance and see for themselves--we'll see...

I was also talking to someone online who is getting his own wings at being gay and he asked me about what things I thought were important for coming out. I don't know if the things I said meant much to him, or others--those of us who have been out a week, a month, a year or a decade--but today this means a lot to me-but I told him some of the following as one of the things to remember in the process of coming out:

In this day and age, people have a wonderful world and global community at their disposal. Being gay isn't the taboo that it was 30, 20, and even 10 years ago. There are gay people on TV, government, movies, sports, media. More US states have passed gay marriage in the last six months and we are even waiting for decisions to come from the US Supreme Court.

However, it certainly hasn't always been that way and lots of people in all walks of life have fought, lobbied, suffered and have even died (Milk, Stewart and others-- some of whom we might only read obscure references in daily obituaries, or might even mention a partner in an awkward way) have all paved the way and allowed that for us--we need to celebrate them and we need to honor them equally.

Maybe it is just my point of view--but we are living in the best of times--or the worst of times, depending on the side of the fence one sits when it comes to gay issues. I see it as a good thing, if being vocal helps people be aware of the good things that being true to themselves at any of the L-G-B-T-Q (or as someone said: "Whatever") labels or conditions attached to their identity and if it helps someone gain better understanding and awareness (and why not, even gain respect) then it is a very good thing.

So get your rainbow on, celebrate, make good of this great time and just

BE PROUD!!!

No Place At The Table...

 Yesterday afternoon I was riding trax (the lightrail system in Salt Lake City) home and at a certain station, a bunch of missionaries heading out to their assignment got on the train dragging big suitcases. Turns out that instead of being bussed from Provo to the airport, they're pretty much handed a train ticket and sent to catch their flight at the airport on their own--interesting change.

Anyway, once they managed to get in and set their stuff down a couple of them sat nearby and a conversation started almost immediately: where are you going--(these ones are assigned to Cambodia), where are you from, etc, etc, etc. One missionary asked me where I was from and after the normal formalities he asked if I attended church. I said that I don't; he asked if he could know why? I answered "I'm assuming if you're asking me why I don't attend the LDS church and I'll tell you it is because I'm gay and there's no place for me at the table..."

 

The look on his companion went from friendly to a little guarded to serious, but they both still kept the conversation going, it wasn't many stations before I got off the train, but the one chatty elder kept asking some follow up questions and my answer kept revolving around: "there's no room for me at the LDS table, I don't fit in as a gay individual, much less with a partner on your Plan of Salvation elder, think about it--how do I fit in when all the talk is about mom, dad, 3.2 kids and all happily ever after each Sunday in church?".

 

I don't think he was prepared to hear that, but he still managed to say, "God still loves you" and I think he was surprised to hear from me that I know that, I've felt God's love and care for me and that my life is good, I manage to live a full life, I contribute to society, I told them I realize that the LDS church is leaps and bounds from where it was even years ago when the only answer I could get to deal with my situation was to get married hoping to heal it, but lots more needed to be done and I told them: "when you two are apostles, please make it happen so I have a place at your table, until then, there's not a lot that interests me there" at which time they smiled, my stop came, I wished them well and got off the train.

 

I thought about my encounter for a while. Even a few years back I would have never dared tell a complete stranger, let alone a set of LDS missionaries that I am gay and feel as confident expressing myself as anything in life and I honestly don't feel the anxiety I used to feel before talking about it. To me that is a good thing and I've come a long ways; but the bottom line is that indeed there's no place for me at the LDS table--I know a lot of people try to find a place in their own terms perhaps, or based on whatever the church is willing to give them--not me, no thanks--I will NOT fight for a place where all I can hope to do is a figurative place as a server, a cleaner or licking the crumbs that fall on the floor (in the figurative sense again--I don't want church scraps).

 

It is what it is and I'm quite content with my life to beg for full recognition in a place where it doesn't exist, regardless of what people may want me to believe otherwise and well, I've made a life outside that is just as worthwhile without needing their validation--that is a huge thing for me. I know staying in the church helps a lot of people change it from within and hoping something will change sometime and that is great, but I find no use in it...it is what it is.

Mixed Orientation Marriages (MOM)

There's been a lot of buzz about this topic lately.

I suppose I could list all of the links to the different posts and discussions about it, not sure if I can even keep up and frankly, I don't know what that would accomplish. I tried abstaining from making an opinion about these stories because first I wanted to process what it all meant and if I honestly had a say on the topic at this point in my life.

Turns out maybe I do!!

I think I'm going to summarize my feelings in a couple of sentences (Okay, they ended up being paragraphs--I tried my best). First off, I'm glad that a lot of guys felt comfortable enough to let their future wives know that they were gay. If I had a time machine that is the ONE THING in life I would go back and do-over---keeping something like this to myself and not telling my now ex-wife was huge mistake--granted she said once that had I come out to her when we were dating she wouldn't have married me and that's fair. I admire the women who in-spite of knowing about their guys they still want to marry them--is it faith? is it being naive? is it being a realist? I don't know if they're aware what they're giving up...I suppose only they can answer for themselves and it still is much better to know that one is entering into a Mixed-Orientation Marriage consciously rather than only one party being semi-aware what it all means...

Hell, even being semi-aware, I spent 15 years in one!!


But once the awareness of one spouse being gay is out, there's always the proverbial  rainbow elephant in the room that everyone knows is there as much as they would like to ignore it. Some people have described this as coming out only to drag one's spouse (and potentially other family) into a closet of their own. There's feelings of self-worth, inadequacy, lack of trust, confusion that weigh horribly on two people who are merely trying to have a relationship without knowing why are the square pegs are not fitting in the round holes.

For any of these Mixed Orientation Marriages that claim to be doing alright (maybe 3-4) who knows maybe there's lot of them who are not as vocal and open-- there are at least 20 marriages that I'm personally aware that are either breaking up or didn't make it--and the list grows, the numbers on the Utah gay father's group expands more and more each time and 99% of them came from these kinds of marriages--bottom line, even for someone with poor math skills like me, the odds don't look so good, I hope there's a lesson to be learned from this. Some of these marriages have ended up amicably and some not-so amicably at a great price and suffering from all parties involved (spouses, children, etc).

Of course, I can stand here and write about this now. What do they say, hindsight is always 20/20?

Still knowing what I know now and knowing how I felt and thought back when I was venturing into marriage, reading about club unicorn of these modern days, it would have probably made my decision much more clear that if these guys could do it, heck, I can do it too!!--which could very well be the underlying message coming from these guys and at least it seems to be the meta-message heard by plenty of people out there; sure they say it is THEIR life, THEIR choices and THEIR marriages, but where I think they do a disservice is when they stop short of acknowledging that they're aware of the odds and risks and that all other forms of relationships--not just theirs--is as valid without having to comply with any society or traditions--for those that do, more power to them and God bless them!

Let's face it, relationships are hard even if the person you love has the right body parts--but that may be a posting of its own someday, I think I've said too much already...

Assumptions

Gay Mormons Book by Brent Kirby

So I've started reading this book over the weekend. I knew it existed because I've met Brent and he told me about it. I hesitated getting it at first because I honestly thought it was more of a book about how to be Gay, Mormon and stay fully committed to the LDS Church which in my mind if it works for someone, more power to them-- but since it isn't the path I've chosen it didn't really have much meaning to me.

However, after thinking about it I opened it and recognized names of people I've met through the Moho (Mormon/Homosexual) community. Some of these people have become dear and close friends and well I couldn't help to start reading their stories--sounds a bit voyeuristic--maybe it is but if they agreed to write them then it is all good, no?. Now a lot of the people that are on the stories I've met while this book was being put together so I've seen their own personal outcomes and "end product" of sorts, but for the vast majority of them I didn't quite know how they got there. Needless to say reading about their initial realizations, angst, coming out, acceptance and moving on stories are not for the faint of heart and they're most definitely heart-wrenching.

So I've only been reading one or two stories at a time, that's probably all I can handle in one sitting, but I'm glad in a way I can read their stories and 'know them' a little better, perhaps understand them a little better and admire them even more for having the guts to be so public. I personally don't anticipate having any change of heart on my end and my situation with the LDS church but if anything reading people's stories make me realize how differently we all look at things, how we process them and the very many conclusions we all arrive as we navigate through life and well, that's a pretty cool thing in my mind!

Gay fathers coming out of the woodwork

We've seem to have had a rash of gay dads who've joined the Utah Gay Fathers group lately. Not sure if it is one of those: "I'll just wait and do this after the holidays" thing but it seems that there are a few who are either coming out to themselves, maybe trying to figure out how is their coming out going to affect their families and such. Some are still married, some are going through separations or just newly divorced.

I have said it before that anytime I hear about a new guy going through the process I have a twinge of PTSD kind of reliving my own experience, but lately things have gotten better for me. I think that the old addage of "time heals everything" really is true. Still as I see more guys take the leap from being married to accepting themselves, coming out and whatever their lives mean from there I can't help but think how many more are out there who are still living in angst.

To anyone going through any of these steps, even if it is just discovering who you are I'll write a couple of points that may be helpful. They're in other blogs and lists so they're nothing new, yet it feels like these points needs to be repeated over and over again. They also don't only apply to gay fathers, I think they're good for anyone coming out or going through almost any kind of transition:

1. You're not alone-- I remember feeling that I was the only gay person who was married in the entire world. There are literal networks around that can make you feel included and that you matter--find one. The gay dad's group I participate in is not a public group for various reasons but there are lots of guys still in the closet and all other steps that a certain amount of anonimity is still needed for them and it also allows for some rants and issues that can't be expressed in the open. 

2. You're not a monster-- It think it has become more mainstream to come out. Sure, not everyone is going to like it, accept you with open arms and march with you at the next Pride parade, but I believe there's a certain amount of empathy and understanding from people in regards to being gay and coming out. I have not had any kind of negative experience coming out, even as an adult, having been married and having kids--sure I've heard rumors through the grapevine but nothing face-to-face. Better yet if individuals fear that their families won't accept them, it may only be the difference between knowing someone gay and not being aware of how many of "us" are out there.

3. Find a tribe-- Find someone you can talk to, confide in. Someone you can be vulnerable with and that will hold you when you need it. Someone that will allow you to scream when you feel like doing it and that will help you move through the process. Find friends that will allow you to grow and help you out of your cocoon. For some reason a lot of people think that all that gay guys do is hook-up and hunt for their next sexual conquest. This could not be further from the truth but because that seems to be the notion, a lot of guys coming out feel like that's the only thing they're supposed to do and while there's a place for that "gay adolescent" stage it doesn't have to be the only thing in a person's life. Most cities have sports, gardening, cooking, brown bag and other interest groups that will provide you with a social outlet-- get out of your shell and find them. Don't be the person who only has gay friends--don't forget your straight ones--who else is going to give them style advice? :-)


4. Man up-- Own up to the possible "mistakes" that you've made, the relationships you've affected, the people that in some way or another you may have "lied to" even if it was just to survive. Hindsight is always 20/20 but think of the things you couldn't have learned otherwise, the relationships you've had and yeah even the blessing of being a father to children if you have them--. But once you've apologized and owned up, move on. Do the manly thing and take care of your ex and the kids financially (get divorced and set your obligations--child support/alimony--in writing as fast as possible), be fair but also make sure you can still survive and as much as you can, don't dwell on your mistakes and don't make any excuses. Don't allow people to use you for guilt or give them entitlement over your life, your money or any aspect of your person.


5. Live your life. Show people that being gay is only part of who you are. You may be a son, brother, father, husband, employee, boss, church leader, a neighbor, a friend--whatever it may be, but being gay is not THE ONLY thing about you. Sure, it may drive a lot of what you say, think and do; but by all means it shouldn't be the only driving force. Still move on with your life and show yourself and everyone that you still have to put on your gay underwear and gay pants one leg at a time! Don't make rash decisions, you don't have to dissolve your life, your employment, even your married life if that's not in the works, but feel the freedom of accepting yourself and knowing what works for you.

I'm sure there are lots of other things that could be said about this, but if I think about it more I won't ever get this posted, so here are just some thoughts, take them for what they're worth, I'm not licensed, trained or paid for any of it. I just have a big mouth and a not-so-humble opinion! :-)

"Turn It Off"

Confession time: I've been meaning to post about this for a while and I keep saving the draft for later, it is time to just get it published. I think I've become obsessed with the Book of Mormon Musical (no, really?!?!?) Maybe it is because I'm only just catching up with campy tunes from musicals and I happen to like them--I don't know. I like almost all of the songs, but this one in particular always makes me crack up the most; however by the time the song ends I'm usually in tears---can anyone explain that?

TURN IT OFF

I wish YouTube still had the boot-legged copy of the play to show the actual song with the actors, it is much more visual than what's available now, but at least there's something to show.

I can't speak for anyone else, this is just my personal experience but as an active Mormon I think I was constantly self-pressured to shelve things up. If I had questions on faith, doubts, fears and anything that was not edifying I was pretty much under the impression that I needed to "turn it off" in other words, don't think about it and it doesn't exist. Funny thing is that I don't remember ever reading it in any official talk or manual about this, it may be more cultural than anything, yet in retrospect it affected so much of my life. I think my tears might originate from the sadness that I allowed this coping mechanism to become my way of life, any one who can explain, you know "free-advising, I'm not a shrink but play one on the internet" types out there?

Sometimes when talking to other members the concept of "if it isn't useful for your salvation it isn't important" would come up and be held as the general consensus; but then again there are plenty of things in life that are important enough to question but the rule of thumb is again, if it doesn't lead you to be good, do good and possibly even show how good you are then turn off the thoughts. I haven't made a point to sit and think about the number of items that I may have turned off during my active Mormon life and at this point maybe it isn't even worth it, but for two or three--or probably many more very obvious things--turning it off made a huge impact in my life...

Who knows maybe I'm still turning a lot of things off...don't we all?

Time flies... what 20 years will do to you

This week marks 20 years since I arrived in Utah with my then-best friend. Both of us were naive returned-missionaries, didn't have a penny to our names, but we were ready to take on the world. I had been warned by people (among them my own mother) that moving to Utah would cause me to go inactive.

I've been asked repeatedly throughout my 20 years living here why Utah? I can't help but think, why not? But instead I tell people that I very much enjoyed this place, the scenery, the relatively mild weather (compared to Texas and other places) and yes, the reality was that I was here to be with the saints. It felt like a safe enough place, where I could be on my own, go to school, work and create a life. I learned a lot of interesting things being on my own, some of which scared me (like my first job interview here where I was asked where I went on my mission) some of which were exciting--such as being able to go come and go pretty much whenever I chose and then also discovered things about myself that I was probably not prepared to face or deal with, but I've talked about these before, I'll spare all the dirty details.

As the days turned into weeks and months and years life went on: jobs, friendships, relationships church callings, marriage, children, bills, moves and all the things that come with life---

"We were so happy

we didn't even know how 

miserable we were" 

--Fiddler On The Roof

I am not sure where things started to unravel in life, but something tells me that I never quite had it all together to begin with. The life I had didn't seem to fit quite me no matter how hard I tried. I was just playing a role in a show that just kept going and going and going--sometimes the episodes were interesting, sometimes they were sad and often times they were simply boring. I tried to flee Utah a couple of times to Southern California--the only place I ever found remotely interesting to drop everything and go and as I've told people, only to be chewed up and spit right back to Utah. Perhaps by all outward appearances we were just like any typical family--the normal ones (little does anyone know there are no normal families). But life has happened and continues to happen, isn't it interesting?

Years later I lost faith in the LDS church and left with my family--mom's words became a reality. I can honestly say that losing my religion was one of most traumatic events of my life. I had no compass, I felt lost and abandoned from everything that I knew, even though I actually never quite fit in that world either--ironic, isn't it? A little over three years ago I wondered where would life take me but I wouldn't even dare ask the question out loud. Staying in a sad, sham of a marriage didn't seem any more appealing than the pain it was going to cause to split up, come out and start living my life. I don't even remember where or how I found gay Mormon bloggers, a community of people who at one time thought they were the only one of their kind in the world.

It took probably another six months for me to say the words: "Yes, I am gay" out loud and start the road to claiming my life. The next couple of years have been nothing short of an epic journey. Tears have been shed, pain has been caused, but some wounds have been healing--but on the other hand, I'm finally able to be me, the real me--have the ability to love and be loved for who I am. It was probably only about 2 years ago that I was able to look at myself in the mirror for the first time and liked what I saw. It makes sense to solve the mystery of why I am in Utah (and keep coming back) oddly as it sounds: This is home, this is where my support system is--call it family and/or dear close friends, Moho family and yes, even LOVE!! I don't know how easier I would have been able to make the necessary transitions, meet amazing people and run into a certain someone who has managed to show me a life and a world I dreamed of but could possibly not envision otherwise had I not been where I am now.

Life keeps going on, oddly enough. I'm far from having it together--I still don't have penny to my name, funny how somethings just never change--some days I honestly don't know which way is up and/or down but I do know that I'm in a better place (mentally & physically, emotionally than I was even 2 years ago) and I'm still a work in progress in other areas, I suppose as long as there's hope. If I could go back and tell that young kid that arrived in Utah 20 years ago this week anything worthwhile it would be to expect the unexpected but be open for possibilities, try everything once and yes, in the midst of all crazy things about life, relationships and growing older (not necessarily wiser) I would only add the following:

Slow week, crazy week

I started moving out of my old apartment last weekend. As I suspected, I had too much crap, considering that I had been trying to downsize considerably. At some point I sat in the middle of boxes, totes and thought to myself: "Where do I even start?" but little by little things just happened. By Sunday afternoon with a lot of very appreciated help from Jeff we moved most of the bigger stuff to the new, smaller place. 

A couple of days earlier we had also been talking about a lot of the stuff that had happened at this place. This is where I spent more than a few dark, sleepless nights thinking to myself: "What have I done?", this is where I would grab the dog to go on walks at 2:00 am to try to clear my head and where I cried many, many tears mourning the life I tried to live and trying to put the pieces of my life together again. 

But not all was sadness. This is where I remember catching my reflexion in the bathroom mirror one day and finally being able to literally look at myself probably for the first time and say: "You're going to be alright, you deserve to be happy and you're going to get through this". This is the place where I learned to pick my battles with the X. This is also the place where I held a Halloween party for my daughter trying to keep somewhat of a semblance of normalcy--not sure if I accomplished anything by that or not, but try I did. This is the place where I told Jeff I loved him for the first time. This is the place where he met my sisters and my kids and where we had food, learned to cook together, made dinners for people and had company over---great times!!-- I did a lot of growing as a person here. 

As I got ready to close the door for the last time in this place I took these pictures and thought: Why is it so freaking bittersweet? Yeah moving on and moving forward is a good thing. I am still trying to put it all together in my new place and I'm almost done, again not without tremendous help from the boyfriend. I took the week off work to get as much done as possible and by Thursday I was able to literally take a couple of days to just sit back, chill and relax (as much as I'm able to relax!) watch some movies and try to analyze all that has happened and the prospect of the things to come!

Last night at a dinner with friends; one of them is about to embark in a similar journey--he is looking for a place to live, move out of his house and move on--almost the same story but different people with slightly different circumstances--- I mentioned to Jeff that anytime I hear about someone (namely a married gay guy) goes through the process of leaving the house, the wife, the kids knowing that life will never be the same--my heart breaks over and over again and I relive my experience from over 2 years ago in some sort of  PTSD; but I understand that everyone has to walk their own journey and all we can hope is to be there for them, literally, love them, hold them as so many people did for me back then --still do-- and and that time will heal all wounds and people will learn to adapt, we have to in order to be able to allow life to move on...

So here's to new beginnings, new prospects and hopes for a better life, always!

Fran Drescher & Gay Ex-Husband Peter Marc Jacobson

I think this is an example of how widespread the issue of gay men marrying straight women is or has been at all levels of society. His explanation is: "I lived in Queens, it is what you're expected to do and the live you're supposed to have" So many correlations here, I suppose this kind of thing isn't relevant to any specific group of religious or any other kind of people.

My hope is that as times change younger men are able to realize that it is okay to be gay, they don't have to give into the 'social pressure' and live a life that isn't what they can't do and drag a wife and potential children into it...


If only, if only..

BOM Musical

I watched The Tonys for the first time ever last night. Don't take my gay card away please--I've made up for my sin of omission by purchasing the BOM Musical soundtrack on Amazon.com for $1.99 and burned a CD for Jeff so I'm doing my part to spread the message! :-)

I was surprised by the BOM Musical number featured and as I kept hearing the words I could not find anything really doctrinally wrong with what the elder was singing but I found it more amusing the # of times that the audience laughed at the lyrics and thought: "Wow to be 19 years old and a believer"...

I remembered being a naive 19-year old and telling a businessman in Mexico City the story of the plates, how Joseph Smith found them, translated them and published the BOM with literally no education and how proud and humble this made me. The man then asked me what happened to the plates after they were translated and me giving him the standard seminary answer: "The angel took them" and thinking to myself: "Did I really just say that?" I think the guy read my expression and body language and smirked to himself...I don't think I got a convert that day... watching that performance felt a lot like that experience.

I honestly think that the LDS Church is benefiting more from the publicity of this musical than any other possible damage that the musical may cause. The soundtrack is pretty obscene in some parts, so if one is easily offended it isn't going to be a good experience. However if a member gets Robert Kirby's (writer from the Salt Lake Tribune) humor then it should be pretty harmless, so enjoy!

Pride Part II (Morning Services--or the Prequel?)

Queue the early morning flutes and bird sounds...

OK I'll be serious from now on, promise. Sometime last Saturday evening a friend had mentioned that he was singing at the morning services at First United Methodist Church in Salt Lake City. Initially the thought of rushing to be to church at 7:45am wasn't very appealing but I figured since we were going to be nearby for the day's activities we might as well score a good parking spot around the area and yes, why not hear our friend sing? Turns out two friends were singing at the services so that was already a bonus. I had never been to this church before so it is always interesting to walk into a sanctuary and feel the awkwardness of a new worship place, not quite knowing what's going to happen.

My friend was already playing the piano and the pastor was checking the sound system and I saw a couple more familiar and friendly faces, then all of the sudden my dear friend Invictus Pilgrim walks in and sits right next to us; more friends! This is really starting to get good, coffee is finally kicking in and I'm getting ready to get my church groove on. Then my friend at the piano starts singing an arrangement of "How Great Thou Art"

O Lord my God! When I in awesome wonder

Consider all the worlds Thy hands have made.

I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder,

Thy power throughout the universe displayed.

Refrain:

Then sings my soul, my Savior God, to Thee;

How great Thou art, how great Thou art!

Then sings my soul, My Savior God, to Thee:

How great Thou art, how great Thou art!

When through the woods and forest glades I wander

And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;

When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur

And hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze:

And when I think that God, His Son not sparing,

Sent Him to die, I scarce can take it in;

That on the cross, my burden gladly bearing,

He bled and died to take away my sin:

When Christ shall come with shouts of acclamation

And take me home, what joy shall fill my heart!

Then I shall bow in humble adoration,

And there proclaim, my God, how great Thou art!

I'm taken back to my mission days when I first heard an elder play and sing that song and tears start forming. I'm slightly uncomfortable feeling so vulnerable in a new place, the control freak in my wants to keep it together, but I can't help react the way I'm feeling. As the service gets under way scriptures and more words of affirmation and love are read:

“We believe that God is loving and healing through our tears

And we believe God can make us whole again.

For we believe in the great healing love of God.

We believe that God has made us who we are.

And we believe that God rejoices when we are able to live honest lives."

God made me and rejoices when I'm able to live an honest life...what a concept!! I may have heard that before in this or another context but it hits me like a ton of rocks and more & more tears come down. At some point I'm being held by Jeff and I just can't stop crying & feeling so overwhelmed. Call it 'the spirit' or whatever brand of feeling it may be, but I can't help but think that this is something good and very much needed for my soul. I remember feeling similar things going to Catholic mass, going to Presbyterian services and yes, I even recall feeling it in the LDS church at times...

A church board member gets up and talks about how the church has come along to being all inclusive and affirming--a process that normally takes anywhere form 1-5 years and it actually took the board members less than 30 minutes to reach...more tears come down.  The actual sermon was a simple metaphor of chickens who were never told they were actual birds and once they figured that part out, life was never the same in the chicken coup where they lived...really? A simple message with so much meaning and so appropriate. Communion was amazing, the pastor goes out of his way to include everyone, regardless of whether they are members of the church or not--more tears come as I take a piece of bread and dunk it in the wine.

I think God is trying to tell me something!

More music and beautiful messages. At the end of the service the entire congregation forms a circle; people hold each other's hands and pray and bless each other before going out. Maybe I haven't given God a chance to be in my life and bless me through others . I've lived the last few years on my own, feeling lost; renouncing and denouncing God and thinking that I'm doing just fine on my own and lately I'm feeling that maybe it is time I find him again and find some form of spirituality. Maybe it was the feelings of pride, having close friends nearby but that helped me feel all of that..maybe I'm just a sentimental old fool...but the experience definitely set the tone for the rest of my day. The last few years have left me with a sour taste for God and all things religion and I've hurt and been hungry and thirsty for years and maybe, just maybe it is time to find that which I've been missing wherever it may be.

Funny how things like that turn into something completely unexpected and yet so profound. I don't know where this quest will lead me. I have to be honest and clarify that I don't think I'll find what I may be looking for in the LDS church. I think a lot of water has passed under that bridge; I've made my peace with that part and but that doesn't mean I'm burning the bridge necessarily...who knows really. I'm also aware that if the Mormon church works for others I can certainly respect them for making that choice. Everyone has to find their own brand of spirituality, being what it may...

Great Day to be Proud in Utah

Wow! Where do I even start? I have to confess that when the topic of participating in this year's Utah Pride Festival came up in the Gay Father's Group I was a little reluctant to jump to the chance, after all last year was my first time ever attending it--ever, so I've come a long ways!

However as the plans unfolded I became more and more excited at the prospect. Initially I had considered only volunteering at their booth but again, everyone's excitement rubbed on and after Jeff also offered to work and march with us I thought: What the heck, let's just do it! My one and only concern was how was the group going to be taken generally since I had actually heard one or two people say something in the lines of "Gay Fathers? Really?"--however, my experience working the booth on Saturday evening was anything but positive and people came from all walks of life to tell their stories and share in the excitement.

So we get to the parade on Saturday morning and a reporter from the Salt Lake Tribune comes up and starts asking questions. I've been interviewed before and by now I have figured out that sometimes your comments make it to the paper, or not at all, so I started rambling things off to her, then she moves on to others and I forget all about her. Little did I know that I'd end up being quoted on the paper's story later on! aaack!! :-)

We had a lot of other dads, kids, partners, sons-in-law and even a couple of the men's wives be part of the group. As we walked the parade route and I saw people cheering for us all my fears were put to rest; I really had a hard time keeping it together and fighting the tears. IT WAS AMAZING!!! Another touching part of the parade--among many--: A girl sitting in the audience as we marched yelled "Hey my dad is gay" and she just started sobbing and being hugged and consoled by her friends... I was simply touched and amazed at the response to the group. We kept getting stopped by people at the festival and elsewhere because of our T-shirts with the logo and asked questions about becoming parents and shared a lot of interesting stories. I know a lot of people worked to put this together and it was simply amazing how it all turned out.

Another thing that I need to explain is that at least my own uneducated concept of what Pride was before I ever attended was that I might be seeing lots of public nudity and possibly even sex, after all, "isn't that what gays do?" Let me just reassure everyone that both at the parade and the festival no such thing goes on that you don't see at any other public festival. Sure there are those that stand out like drag queens but I honestly didn't see anything lewd or that I considered inappropriate and in my mind, in order to become better knowledgeable about what really goes on, everyone should attend Pride at least once in their lifetime, there, I've said my peace about that...

I was talking to a co-worker who attended and she was saying that although Pride is focused on LGBT, it really is a celebration of diverse people. She said that she felt just as comfortable celebrating herself being straight as everyone else who were there celebrating whatever they were and I thought: "Yeah, that makes sense, we should celebrate people, not genders or preferences; maybe we'll get there someday..." I have other postings more or less related to this that I'll need to work on so I hope to get more thoughts on this later on. I was also going to post the picture of the group, but I didn't ask their permission to post it on my blog, so I'll hold off on that and post a picture of the famous T-Shirt...

All young men get married, PRONTO!!

This posting, it is 1/2 rant and 1/2 my not-so-humble opinion. As soon as the words of urgency came out of North Temple and Main Street on Sunday, I noticed Facebook feeds going nuts. Now before anyone accuses me of being a bitter old man, let's just say that I am probably the last qualified person to speak on marriage--after all, look at where mine ended and the reasons why...Still, there's a Spanish phrase that says: "Mas sabe el Diablo por viejo, que por ser Diablo" which loosely translates to: "The Devil knows more because of being old than being the Devil"---dang that sounds so much better--and wiser--in Spanish, doesn't it?

So with the wisdom of my old age and knowing now what I wish I'd known then I write this for anyone who is/will might be feeling the pressure to "just find someone to marry" and sort everything else out later or as it maybe in some LDS circles--quickie weddings. I was probably guilty of that, I started talking marriage only a few weeks after dating, I mean we were all doing it, partly because everyone else was at it in my peer group. Was it the big dream wedding & reception? Was it the respect from family, friends and society that we all wanted? I'm sure no one in the church hierarchy sits in councils and says: "Get them married fast, before you know it they'll be popping kids and trapped in the system" but isn't that inherently one of the by-products?

At about the time when a guy is off the plane from their mission, the message of marriage is pounded and drilled into them. Not women, because face it by age 21 most of them have a kid or two in tow, that's just the way it is... LDS society as I recall really has little or no regard for singles and let's face it a single man in the church can pretty much resign himself to being without a calling--maybe a lowly clerk, ward missionary or Elder's quorum teacher if they're lucky, but in reality there's no respect or hopes for higher callings until they're married, as if the marriage alone makes one wiser, nobler and qualified to move up the leadership ranks. I suppose it is more about culture than policy or worthiness but again, that's based on my experience and very unscientific observations. Now having made all those generalizations, I know there are some people who have better sense than that and actually try to finish school, have a career and have done a little soul searching and find themselves before jumping into a lifetime of marriage. The other 85% of us jumped right on and trusted that the $8.50/hr job and good blessings from heaven would make our marriages work...eeeek!!!

So if you're still reading this and thinking that I might say something like "in spite of my bad experience marrying young, broke, uneducated and before I even had a chance to figure out which team I really played for I still think we should follow the prophet's counsel and hurry up and marry" WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!! I hope kids (of both sexes) have more sense than that. Graduate from college, do that semester abroad, go to graduate school if that's where your heart takes you, travel a little and run with the bulls in Pamplona, get a real job that pays a professional salary, date around (sleep around?--ok if my kids are reading this this doesn't apply to you!!). If you're not sure you're straight, please figure that out and live with it, being in a relationship of any gender is not easier because anyone has the body parts you want/like, people are complex no matter what we think we are and by all means please don't think that marrying someone of the opposite sex is going to make you straight--that's just not how it works!

You may call me a hypocrite and that's OK. My failed marriage gave me two beautiful children who are my life and my world, but man, how much better a parent and a person would I had been if situations were different, had I waited to be in a better place and let's face it in a better position to be able to more educated decisions instead of the alternative. I suppose it is probably best to be glad for what I have and not grieve for what is not. Obviously my grumpy old age and life experience makes me say extreme things like this and that's OK. You may or may not agree with me and that's OK, I was a know-it-all 20-something at one point and nothing or no-one were going to stop me.

Enough rant yet? Oh, I haven't even got started...

So what is it really about?

I have been following the answers that my friend Invictus Pilgrim and others have posted to the anonymous question from his blog. This is the question (so I don't make a mistake in paraphrasing it wrong):

“Sincere question for you here … Assuming you're 45, and will live to be 76, you're approximately 60% of the way through your life. Up to this point, you've been a faithful member of the Church, paid your tithing, etc. So, you've only got 40% of life to go and if you can just keep on the path for that last stretch, you'll very likely receive exaltation and be together with your family, as the LDS Church teaches.  On the other hand, if you choose to live a homosexual lifestyle, you've got, on average, 31 years (assuming you're 45) left. Keeping in mind that after 65 you're pretty much "old" (no offense intended) which brings the "wild oats" years down to roughly 20. Are those 20 years worth it … [i.e.,] worth what you're giving up?”

I debated whether to post my own response or not, but decided I needed to do it. First off I love how as LDS church members we somehow feel that we have the right to make assumptions about people, their lives and their choices. I suppose it comes from being the most righteous and worthy of people on earth and owning the copyright to salvation, but hey, what do I know?

The part that I really want to comment on is about the "wild oats". I am not sure what that means but if it means sex, well being gay is not only about sex or who I have it with, is being straight only about sex? If I have learned anything about this coming out process is that it is more about being me, being true to myself--and others and comfortable with who I am. Being gay to me means that I don't have to hide behind the facade of being over-righteous or religious, or living unhappy in a relationship that doesn't work for me---and yes--I'm very aware that gay guys are also capable of being in unhappy relationships as well. It means that I can finally be me!!

I understand that before I got married I should have answered many of those questions but again, when your life is pretty much prescribed for you, knowing around which ages to date, go on a mission, marry, etc, etc very little of a person is left to self-discovery and expression. I really admire those who were able to figure these things out before making a mess out of my own, my X's and my kids, but if I were to just settle for what I have/had and what's prescribed then what would be the purpose of fulfilling the measure of my creation?--or wait, is that just another couplet that applies upon my strict and unquestionable adherence to the church's policies? Why can't that work in every aspect of life?

But I believe that the answer to the anonymous question has many more layers:

Why do people move if they already live somewhere?
Why do people change careers if they're unhappy in their job?
Why do people change religions--oh wait, that's OK if they give up their religion to become LDS, right?)
Why do people get married?
Why do people have children?
Why do people get divorced?
Why do people rock the boat?
Why do we all feel like the grass is always greener somewhere else?

I think the answer is that we're always searching for that something that seems and feels better than what we have. If we stopped searching for happiness we would have a sad existence, even if that search took us places that we didn't expect. That's part of the magic!

But again, what do I know, right?