Baggage

 

 

Welcome to a chapter of "My life as a hoarder"...

 

Kidding of course.

But I think I am getting to a point in my life where I need to figure out what kind of stuff is important enough to keep, what is important enough to pass along and what stuff needs to go.

For someone who has restarted their life a few times I think I own too many things that I need to figure out what to do with--I don't mean important documents like birth certificates, taxes, college diplomas and stuff like that. 

I mean things like: 

1. Yearbooks

2. Photo albums

3. Mormon Scriptures (from seminary, mission and post life). 

4. Mission journal (cringe)

5. Other journals (cringe, cringe).

I don't think my children will be interested in a lot of that stuff--they're not religious and not interested in anything relevant to my Mormon lifetime. 

Most of that questionable stuff is boxed up.

 I hate throwing away books--yes even most Mormon books to be honest--but I am also aware enough to know that not all books have the kind of value to pass along. 

So what should I do?

Sell?

Donate?

Throw away?

If I had my way I'd probably do a huge bonfire and throw most of that stuff in it--but they really don't do many bonfires where I live.

But at least I've written about it--maybe I can start doing something about it for 2022.

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

Up to a few years ago--I'm going to say 5 years I was NOT a fan of Christmas.

I won't talk about the details of how I came to hate the holidays but when someone right about September of every year would bring up drawing names for Secret Santa and how much money was expected to be spent--the rest of the time up to the day was one big anxiety attack. I recall literally going into a dark place when I would hear

I'm dreaming, of a White Christmas...

..and have literal body convulsions. It wasn't the most wonderful time of the year, it wasn't a season of love, it was everything but--I didn't want to be part of it. I used to fall for the tear-jerker movies like The Family Stone, Love Actually and others because they could make me cry and release some of that hate for the season. I actually enjoyed being called a Scrooge, a Grinch--yeah I owned that and the last thing I ever wanted to hear was a Christmas carol--none of that!!!

Move forward a couple of years after coming out, divorcing and being only in charge of my own and my kid's Christmas--money was sooooooo tight, every extra penny was spent on what to get the kids, every bit of extra credit on my card was carefully spent on something they would love--not the best of times but much, much better times--I had a much narrower purpose and I could handle that.

With time I started feeling better about the holidays--gift exchanges, showing up to events, festivals and lights were much better on my soul--but there was a piece of me that I couldn't shake off: Christmas Carols--I still had the same retching sensation when I'd  hear the first one of the season. I wanted to be home for Christmas, I wanted the Snow and Mistletoe and presents on the tree... I didn't want to have a Blue Christmas and oh lord--don't even throw Christmas shoes into that mix--I was trying to re-build my life with a new love, a new life, give it meaning but those songs and themes made me sad--really sad and bring me to tears--sometimes ugly, snot-bubble, open wailing cries...

In spite of having a new-great life I was still having Hard Candy Christmases...

Then one day I thought, what is this home I want to go home to? What is this Blue Christmas I want to propagate? What in the world is there to be sad about? I have a great partner, great children who love me, a place to live, great family, great friends, a good life--what is this melancholy about? I had to have an attitude adjustment and instead of focusing on the sad stuff I started having better thoughts and enjoying the great songs and themes:

All I want for Christmas, is you!!

I can now sing along without getting depressed, I can now feel good to hark the harold Angel's sing, I can laugh along with Rudolph The Rednose Reindeer, Sleighbell, Jingle Bells and others-- I can even make it through

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas---

...and not lose it--unless I'm watching Meet Me In St. Louis--then I lose it completely--but if it is just on the radio I can do it--I'm proud of where I am now and the progress I've made. This post has got long (as usual).

How do you handle Christmas?

Labeling Families

It's been a while since I last updated this blog. Part of me feels like I may have moved on enough to let all Moho things go, but almost without a doubt, every April and October topics of general discussion revolve around whatever someone has said at the LDS Church General Conference, sure a lot has to do with the place I live, I get it and then I don't really get it.

For the record, I stopped minding what is said there a long time ago, most of it does not affect me and frankly most of it is repetitive in nature. The only conscious thing I do during GC is to avoid driving downtown--it is usually a madhouse there--besides I rely on the news to re-cap something that might be considered outstanding (new temples announced, etc).  I also see some of the feed on friend's Facebook posts--this might sound harsh, but even as a believing member I don't recall paying so much attention to most of what was said in General Conference as I see a lot of Ex-Mormons and Mohos do. Is it that we may be looking for key words to incite controversy? I am not sure...

I responded to one friend's rant about the latest controversy of someone or other calling some types of family "counterfeit" by noting that it has been a while since most of what is said up there means much to me, good or bad. I certainly don't allow my life to be guided by what they say, I don't define my relationship based on what they think. I'm more or less at the point of let the haters spew perceived hate (or whatever) and I don't give them credit one way or the other--so why do others still allow that?

I have read from some posters that they're complaining on behalf of anyone-- perhaps that kid or a grownup in the closet that might feel angst and might go into depression or suicide attempts after hearing those words--I get it, I would like to think there's validity to this issue, is there more that could be done, do we all have an obligation to do something?

Where is the balance?

I really don't have the drive to become an activist at this point, I really don't--I appreciate those who find it in themselves to scream and shout and let it all out--after all, most changes have not happened because someone just sits back... Sure, there's things that rub me the wrong way if I look hard enough just about anywhere, but that's just not my personality. In my mind there's more to be said by letting things be, don't give haters the time of day by propagating their messages, sharing what someone might say that is offensive and spend my time doing better things with my life.

Is it apathy?

Is it carelessness?

Is there a point where I should rise up with the masses and burn my proverbial bra in protest?

I honestly don't know...

I realize now that the topic of this post & picture really don't have much to do with what I actually wrote...

How do you feel, if you made it this far down?

I Want My Dad to Finally Come Out

I read this link today from the Advocate:

http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/09/20/op-ed-i-want-my-dad-finally-come-out

My heart broke in many pieces reading the writings of this gay man's child.

I saw myself and yes, even the pain of my ex and kids in many of the paragraphs, the pain that is felt between the lines. Quite honestly when my ex-wife told me that I was not only hurting her (I had known that for a long time) but that the kids were also being hurt with all of the mess we were causing I couldn't handle it anymore and decided it was time to come out---in many ways even at the price paid, things never got as bad as the article.

Often times as parents we think we're protecting others from pain and misery, but in reality I think I was trying to protect myself. I can't say it was easy, I can't say it wasn't painful--there have been few if anything more painful than separating, not being able to tuck my kids in bed every night and be there for their waking up time, but after many years I can say it has been worth it.

Any Moho (and non) contemplating marrying a woman for the sake of family, society, church or themselves ought to read this and consider where will their life be down the road.

Word....

Being Here But Not Here

I’ve heard this reference a couple of times in the last week or so which made me think of how many times I may be there in body, but not particularly there in mind. When I’m aware of what’s happening, sometimes my brain races looking for reasons that sent me to be in that state of mind and then I think, is it just me?

Is it my fault or is it technology’s fault?

I find it interesting that it used to be that in order to get news a person had to read the morning paper or stay up until late evening hours. Nowadays information is readily at my fingertips if I just want to search; then again there’s the option of getting blasted with texts, emails, alerts about things may happen all around me, perhaps even in my neighborhood, city, state, country or the other side of the world, is all of that too distracting for me to stay focused in the here and now at a given time?

Seems humans to yearn for connection while wanting to have all the conveniences of a modern world. I can call relatives on the other side of the country, check my bank account balance, purchase movie tickets on my phone all at the same time while possibly ignoring the person who met me at the movie theater to spend some time doing something fun. See the irony there? I consider myself to be a social & extrovert, and good at multitasking, but it may just be a cop out for bad behavior...

I seem to have no problem connecting with someone on another continent and share experiences, personal feelings down to intimate details yet I don’t know my own neighbors. I sit at work with open cubicles, navigate daily life on trains and city walks with my headphones on because, well--I don’t want to offend people with the music or podcasts I listen to, but is it really a ploy keep others away? Have I have turned my life into headphone city? When did that happen and why?

There are events, parties, social occasions to meet others face to face and interact with fellow human beings and yet it isn’t uncommon for two or three (or many) of us to whip out our mobile devices to text someone who is not there, chat with so and so 1 mile away or stay ‘in touch’ with a virtual world while the real world passes us by but hey, as long as everyone else is doing it it is okay for me to do it right? Isn’t that an interesting phenomenon? I’ve seen two people sitting in a restaurant across from each other (as in a possible dinner date?) and place their phones right by their silverware--is it because our virtual lives are THAT important? Some people some people might call it the 21st. Century--some might just call it right down disrespectful and rude,

Sure I live in what is turning to be a global community. I connect with people, information, science, sports, world events, politics, entertainment in many forms of  media, but I’m realizing that all of that noise may be keeping me away from real life itself. Is that a new level of social awareness? Is it healthy? For additional illustration purposes I tried expressed my thoughts in first person--hard exercise, and not just because how hard it is to own up to my own issues--but if any change may be needed it needs to start with me.

Any opinions/thoughts?

Can I have you ignore the real person in front of you, next to you or around you so you can address my virtual, random ponderings? :-)

What a week it has been!!

 

Last week was a whirlwind of activity. After it was announced on Tuesday that the Supreme Court was going to roll out all of their rulings on Wednesday things got crazy on social media. I could hardly sleep on Tuesday night and kept refreshing my web browsers for a while trying to make sense of it all. 

So in short (at least as far as my brain understands): DOMA is down, at least parts of it. Still kind of unclear if some or any of the federal benefits that are awarded to marriages translate to a couple living in a state where same-sex marriage is not recognized--some days it really depends on who is talking about it. Proposition 8 is dead and California gay marriages  are back and happening. 

Now comes another part of this. How do we make Equality Marriage possible in all 50 states. I keep thinking that it may actually be up to the courts--forget referendums, forget elections-if California's constitution can be challenged as to what defines a marriage, the same can certainly happen in the rest of the states that have done the same.One of my relatives went as far as to tell me on Facebook that Utah may not be the place for me to live. I think that's bunk--instead of running off somewhere else I want to stay here and fight for it in as much as I can, it is hard to tell exactly how right now, but that's what I believe.

I posted the following link with my own commentary:

"We have to work hard and make this happen. 

Yes, I could go and live/work to any other state that currently allows Marriage Equality but I am not going anywhere Utah...

I'm going to do what I can so that younger generations of kids and people

 (of any religion or cultural origin),

 are not afraid to come out and be themselves. 

If it takes 5 years, 10 years--however long it takes, bring it on!"

Marriage Equality in Utah Within 5 Years

So here we go, what can we do? Who can I talk to? How is it going to happen? Those are just some of my thoughts. I know I can't do it all alone, but I can certainly try to contribute in my own way. So I say get out the boxing gloves, learn about activism and hang on for a wild ride, it's going to be interesting!

Utah State Legislature Strikes Again

I have to admit that as much as I should be involved in the political process I am not as comfortable navigating in the mess that appears to be a legislative session in the State of Utah, but it doesn't take a genius to know that some of the laws that passed this session are just a little far-fetched. 

That's the case of House Bill 363 which basically teaches abstinence as the only recommended form of sex education and prohibits teachers to teach anything else. Not to be a negative voice of the people here, but I understand that the primary job for teaching children about sex belongs to the parents and I don't think anyone disagrees with me. However where I have a problem is that a lot of Utah parents are not interested in discussing sexual topics with their children--in any context and it could very well be that the parent chooses to call themselves conservative, but at least from my point of view (where I have teenage children myself) I don't think that a parent can afford to dig their head in the sand not address all of the good and bad issues of sex and hope that their kids will somehow choose to make the right decisions based on morals or what's being assumed as the popular belief. 

There's an online petition going around that has surpassed 40,000 signatures in which people are asking the governor to veto the bill, which might or might not make any difference because 1. The governor may ignore everyone's opinion and sign it into law, or 2. He might veto it which only means that the legislature might reconvene and override it--which leaves everyone pretty much in the same place

I think the state of Utah (or is it just the legislators?) must seem really backwards in this regard to the rest of the world when in reality is a pretty amazing place to live, great opportunities for outdoor recreation pretty much year around and great diversity---we just need to make the people who really help move all the crazy stuff die off fast and have the more open-minded folks take over; or simply involve more people in the political process and make it a more balanced system. 

I hope that at least those who dare make a statement show that slowly but surely Utah is starting to turn things around and becoming more than one-sided, right-wing, red state....until then, we may just have to be patient!!!

2002 Olympics. Has it really been 10 years?

Olympic Torch at Delicate Arch, Moab

The Salt Lake Tribune ran a section yesterday remembering the 10 Anniversary. Really? 10 years? It seems like only yesterday. I remember watching TV when they announced that Salt Lake City had been picked to host the 2002 Olympics. Later on we moved on to scandal as only Utah is capable of putting one together because of possible bribes (or as many called it back then--business as usual), then having Mitt Romney come and rescue them out of financial darkness.

Then 911 happened

We all thought that all the planning and anticipation was for nothing, yet the games went on. I remember seeing employees from the FBI and many other agencies going around town and giving us all a sense of safety.

I remember watching the Olympic torch going through the streets live instead of TV as I had only ever seen the torch before, this time arriving and going through Salt Lake and feeling completely overcome by the meaning of what was happening to our town, as Karl Malone and John Stockton lit the cauldron at the City and County building--all pretty emotional. Salt Lake City was transformed into a party town like it had not been seen before and probably never see again, but I also had never been to an outdoor event where we went through security check a few times through.

People were friendly, warm, happy...

At the time I was riding Trax (light train system that was built to help with public transportation before, during and after) to work and back and I remember running into a lot of interesting characters and giving directions to tons of people who wanted to know what in the world State Street, 100 South, 300 West meant (street names) and if anything for 2 weeks it didn't matter who was local, who wasn't, who spoke what language, who was Mormon or who was Baptist or whatever, the world came down and came together in Utah.

Fun times...

I don't know if I'll ever experience anything like that in my lifetime, but it was fun to remember all of it and the legacy that it left. I remember hearing someone at work saying something silly like "the Olympics put Salt Lake City in weather maps of all the major newscasts and shows like the Today Show and Good Morning America"

Probably... :-)

It was just a cute way to recognize that Utah wasn't just some weird state somewhere out West where everyone was kind of quirky and weird!

Good times, good memories.

Changes and more changes...

I was trying to do an extensive blog about the topic and while looking for a graphic I found this, I think it pretty much sums up what I'm trying to say, so I'll just stick with that instead of a never-ending ramble

The Power of the Nap

I'm not sure how I learned about The Art Of Manliness website (probably got it from someone's links) but every now and then there are interesting articles and advice that just make sense to add into life--anyone's life for that matter, not just men. Such is today's topic: Unleash the Power of the Nap. I'm one of those people that used to fall asleep at the movie theater or watching a TV show--turns out that used to be caused by sleep apnea which is a whole other medical issue--but this is completely different. If you have the time to read the article it says that our overworked society almost makes it taboo to dedicate down time to recharge but turns out that the habit of taking a siesta is not just out of laziness, it originated in Roman times, passed down to Spaniards and now I understand why a lot of businesses in Mexico (and Latin America) actually have prescribed down time during the day.

The article also says that naps can be nice and invigorating and that they may need to be tailored according to how you need to replace your energy--right like I have that much control of my life?  Sadly I don't take them or don't take advantage of them like I should. I've always enjoyed a cat nap on Sunday afternoons and I do notice the difference it makes--but I can't do that really late in the day, say no later than 2 and only for about 20 minutes or so or then it messes up my sleep patterns and I'm wide awake when I shouldn't be but never, never take a nap during the week, I mean that would obstruct with so many things going on in my life (walk, gym, blogging, Facebook, catch up with friends, pay bills) sounds like I ought to re-evaluate my priorities! :-) 

So for now I do enjoy the occasional weekend catnap especially if I can get some sun rays shinning through the window (and if a certain-someone happens to be at my house and we get to cuddle) now that's pure bliss! I can understand having little kids and take a nap right along side when they crash--but my babies have never been the kind to do that even when they were toddlers they were always going and going and nowadays pinning down a teenager would probably just be plain annoying to them. Finally the article does have some suggestions on how to incorporate it into one's life, it is worth a try I suppose.

So do you nap? Do you wish you could--now that I think about it, I wish I did!!