Getting personal--Tarot Card Reading

I was recently at a party and when the host mentioned that a friend of his did Tarot Card readings and would be happy to do for the guests for a modest price--my curiosity pinged!!

Before I go on--growing up Mormon I seem to remember that reading cards or fortune telling in most ways is frowned upon--some members will even go as far as not playing cards of any kind, who knew that a spade could bring doom and gloom to anyone? I honestly don't know whether that is official policy, doctrine or just a cultural quirk. Still the ever cautious me from the past would never go to the extent of having cards/fortune read or even go to a psychic--that kind of stuff was on my definite list of no-no's (more on that later).

I figured if there was ever a time to explore any of this stuff now was the perfect opportunity (okay I confess the wine pushed me over the curiosity edge!). Still--I went in with an open mind. The card reader asked me to hold the deck in my hands, have an open my mind, share the energy with the deck and then proceeded to set the cards in the same order as the picture above.

She mentioned a few things that were interesting. She did say she was not a psychic, she merely went to take some courses at the university and learned to get comfortable with the Celtic Tarot cards. She also said repeatedly that she didn't know me from Jack. The next thing she said was that she only deals the cards right-side-up, never upside-down, because, well--who wants to give a negative reading at a party (not that I would know the difference) right?!? So then she went on to talk about my cards--the revelations were interesting to say the least, but there was really nothing new or juicy and scandalous about me that I didn't already know--sorry to disappoint...

The stuff about my life that she spoke of was fairly spot on--granted they were pretty broad generalities in the reading but they were very positive, so positive that the experience brought some tears to my eyes--I know it was the wine--what else would have made me weepy!?!?!? But it really made me feel good!!. Afterwards I asked if I could give her a hug and she said yes.

Back to the part about my old self never wanting to get cards read or going to a psychic or fortune teller---in my old lives I would have NEVER, ever agreed to do that due to all the obvious dark closets that I used to live in--the last thing I would have wanted was someone seeing right through me and I would like to think that I used to make pretty calculated moves and decisions that involved low risk in my life to make sure of that--at least in my head.

In contrast, my life is in a whole different plane now; I suppose the moral is that I have nothing left to hide and it feels pretty good to be in that state and not be afraid. Maybe it is that I'm out and happy, maybe it is my age and feeling comfortable in my skin, maybe it was the wine...who knows! Have you ever had your fortune read or had tarot cards? how was that experience?

*For the record...some people in my circles now talk about Mormon Patriarchal Blessings as a form of fortune telling. I know some folks hold those pretty sacred and I respect those who do so --I wouldn't personally dare make fun--but I also understand that not everyone sees things the same way and people have the right to their opinion based on their personal perceptions and experiences--so there, hows that for disclosure?

Things that keep me awake at night...

It has been a while since I've written.

I doubt that it is because of lack of things to talk about. Since the last time I wrote on here Utah and several other states have jumped head on the Marriage Equality fray and depending on who you talk to the cause will either prevail or fail; many people have become accidental activists because of this, can't wait to see how it all unravels.

Work has been insane to say the least, but keeps me on my toes, thankfully. Things on the home front are okay, we've taken on the stance that this year will be the year to travel a little, so far we've taken a long weekend to Vegas and more possible adventures to come...

My daughter requested a few months ago to cut back on our weekly visits which I initially struggled but have since realized that our visits now have become more about quality than the quantity. Still as a parent I often times feel ill-equipped to handle the curb-balls that parenting throws at me. When I lived with my children full time I felt I had a good handle on their lives, their needs and I could be there to help them with anything. Since the separation/divorce years ago that has stopped. I've had to learned to let go of many things, sometimes guilt sets in (sometimes others love to impose it on me--but that's a whole other story....).

Still--there are times when I look at my children and I see well-adjusted people muddling through life like everyone else and then I see things like this, often times posted at 2 or 3 in the morning by my 19yr old son:

Immediately followed by panic, what can I do, how can I comfort him, make his life better, what drove him to write that? Guilt, rationalization, processing... In the end I conclude he knows he can ask for my help if he really needs it; after all--what were my own thoughts when I was his age? The difference is I didn't have social media to sort through my vague thoughts...such is life.

I suppose in the order of probabilities the things that keep me awake at night are minor--they could always be worse, and I realize they are for others. I'm extremely lucky in many senses and the small moments of wavering confidence come and go...just had to get that out today, but I guess I have to ask:

What keeps you awake at night?

I Want My Dad to Finally Come Out

I read this link today from the Advocate:

http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/09/20/op-ed-i-want-my-dad-finally-come-out

My heart broke in many pieces reading the writings of this gay man's child.

I saw myself and yes, even the pain of my ex and kids in many of the paragraphs, the pain that is felt between the lines. Quite honestly when my ex-wife told me that I was not only hurting her (I had known that for a long time) but that the kids were also being hurt with all of the mess we were causing I couldn't handle it anymore and decided it was time to come out---in many ways even at the price paid, things never got as bad as the article.

Often times as parents we think we're protecting others from pain and misery, but in reality I think I was trying to protect myself. I can't say it was easy, I can't say it wasn't painful--there have been few if anything more painful than separating, not being able to tuck my kids in bed every night and be there for their waking up time, but after many years I can say it has been worth it.

Any Moho (and non) contemplating marrying a woman for the sake of family, society, church or themselves ought to read this and consider where will their life be down the road.

Word....

Reflections on 20 years

Today would have been the 20th wedding anniversary---

I reflect on it, not because I wish I was still married or because I miss all of that craziness that should have never happened, but because of how far I've come since I took a deep breath and decided I had to do something about it all or it was going to end up killing me.

Yes, back then I wanted the fairy tale, I wanted the family, the house with a white picket fence, kids and a dog--hearing from my religious leader at age 23 that getting married would give me a sexual outlet and do away with my feelings felt like the silver bullet I'd been looking for all along--yes it was naive of me to think that way--but even in 1993 there didn't seem to be any other viable alternative. I didn't know any out/open gay person, I didn't know of affirmation, evergreen (thank heavens) or other support groups, although they apparently existed back then--even so, the possibility exists that anyone who would have wanted to knock some sense into me would not have succeeded--I was that determined to make everyone happy--everyone but me--and prove that I could do this.

I struggled for years figuring out how to undo the mess I had created and how dragged my now ex-wife and two children into it all and realized over and over that no matter what I did it was going to be painful if not deadly. How could I say the words out-loud, how could I admit that the choices I had made back then caused more damage and kept increasing the misery day by day? How could I have done that to someone else? To myself? Just how? Sleepless nights were spent thinking about this, crazy days were spent worrying about that; days turned into months, months turned into years, when was the madness going to end?

Years later I very much realize that what didn't kill me did make me stronger, and surprise, it really got better---I have my two children who in spite of it all still want to have a relationship with me, love me and make me proud to be their dad; a relationship with a loving, caring partner who is my best friend and who motivates and encourages me to be a better person every day--something that I couldn't even wrap my head around a few years ago; I have caring friends who have been there for me in many ways in my deepest, darkest times.

My current life can probably only be explained as a combination of luck and blessings--and yet it is still product of the decision made 20 years ago so I really can't complain, it would be silly of me to say it was a mistake, I wouldn't be where I am had it not been for where I was on 7/23/1993.

It is still interesting how life makes one reflect...

Get Your Pride On!!!

 

Pride is here. It is a good time to celebrate--a few years ago I never imagined that I would get to celebrate, let alone participate in any kind of Pride events. Thank heavens that has changed. I posted a link to Seth Anderson's blog on my Facebook wall as a means to get some attention and possibly conversation going, it hope it helps a little--I did get someone at Zumba ask me about it and from the comments, it appears that their impression of Pride are still the debauchery, sinful and sex-driven attitudes--I get it, I used to think the same way so I don't blame them, but I also asked them to give things a chance and see for themselves--we'll see...

I was also talking to someone online who is getting his own wings at being gay and he asked me about what things I thought were important for coming out. I don't know if the things I said meant much to him, or others--those of us who have been out a week, a month, a year or a decade--but today this means a lot to me-but I told him some of the following as one of the things to remember in the process of coming out:

In this day and age, people have a wonderful world and global community at their disposal. Being gay isn't the taboo that it was 30, 20, and even 10 years ago. There are gay people on TV, government, movies, sports, media. More US states have passed gay marriage in the last six months and we are even waiting for decisions to come from the US Supreme Court.

However, it certainly hasn't always been that way and lots of people in all walks of life have fought, lobbied, suffered and have even died (Milk, Stewart and others-- some of whom we might only read obscure references in daily obituaries, or might even mention a partner in an awkward way) have all paved the way and allowed that for us--we need to celebrate them and we need to honor them equally.

Maybe it is just my point of view--but we are living in the best of times--or the worst of times, depending on the side of the fence one sits when it comes to gay issues. I see it as a good thing, if being vocal helps people be aware of the good things that being true to themselves at any of the L-G-B-T-Q (or as someone said: "Whatever") labels or conditions attached to their identity and if it helps someone gain better understanding and awareness (and why not, even gain respect) then it is a very good thing.

So get your rainbow on, celebrate, make good of this great time and just

BE PROUD!!!

Equality Signs go Viral

Unless you live in a remote village in the Congo or the Amazon with no news outlets you've seen this sign all over the place. It all started sometime Monday evening, I saw a few people change their Facebook profiles to this and I thought to myself: "great--here we go again, everyone will fall for it and change their profile picture" By the time Tuesday morning rolled around my feed was virtually a sea of red. Part of my reluctance in not changing my profile picture was that I did not want to offend anyone so I still waited but around 7:00 am I could not hold it anymore and pretty much told myself "F*@%-it" and jumped on the bandwagon.

Several of my gay friends liked the new picture--no brainer there, but most impressive was to see several of my "hetero" friends and a couple of family members who are very much allies in gay causes change their own profile pictures the same--several times during the day I chocked up tears of joy--it was electrifying to see more and more people change their pictures to red or some kind of version of it and voicing their support and cheers for us homos...

**I know several of my LDS and/or conservative friends and family are supportive, no question there, but oddly enough most were awkwardly silent all this time--I understand what it feels like to be afraid of what others will think, that people will interpret their 'likes' or even semi-friendly comments the wrong way--I get it. I would like to think that they were silently cheering for gay people in general but most important, thinking of my partner and I--instead of silently disagreeing or hating; and at the end of the day--have to admit that it is kind of hard not to take it personally-

"Sometimes actions 

Speak Louder 

than words"

-heck even an outward disagreement but in good respect would have probably been welcome--oh well, such is life and it is what it is; I'd like to think that I should just leave alone but how? I'll have to think more about this issue eventually, but for now I can not and will not let it bother me.

Of course anything that becomes viral has the chance of getting out of hand--the following pictures have the potential to go either way, so just for pure amusement and delight:

How about some equality bacon?

How about companies jumping on the Marketing fray? A local hotel that is likely grabbing lots of customers now!

Dogs will never discriminate against you--ha!!

In all seriousness:

This movement is happening--now or people will keep fighting for it to happen later. There's no going back. I know there are those who don't agree or don't understand and they may mask it all under the banner of:

"I love my gay friends/relatives

even if I disagree with 

their lifestyle" 

If you think this way, please, get off your high horse!! 

The way I see this whole issue is more about breaking barriers of misunderstanding if we just give people who are 'not like us' a chance. We live in a global society, rich in diversity, beliefs and customs that can enhance each others lives immensely. What we each believe in is irrelevant--it has more to do with how we treat each other because whether we live next door or 2000 miles away we're all connected and it affects our lives directly. In this day and age it is unfathomable to think that gay marriage would affect anyone negatively. There has been gay marriage in countries of Europe, Canada, Argentina, South Africa and even Mexico that have not affected morals, religions or society--for heaven's sake, why is the United States behind the times?

Gay marriage is not out to destroy anyone's marriage, the only gay agenda that exists is to get the same rights and privileges that a marriage contract brings which apparently go way beyond 1000--some of the are the right to be in the hospital with my partner if he/I get sick, right to inheritance, right to make life decisions, file taxes and have access to each others retirements without having to jump through hurdles that legal contracts now have-there are lots of laws that affect this and that's all.

I don't necessarily wish to marry my partner in a religious ceremony--and especially not in a church that is not affirming. I don't want to demand a LDS temple marriage, that is not the focus of this movement at all and anyone who thinks the contrary is out on left field--gay marriage doesn't put anyone's morals, values in question, but those who fight against it are showing their true colors--just think a little bit about that!

Feel free to share this with anyone you see fit--let's get the word out:

--it is time...

it really is time!!

Dinner Parties or Friendly Dinners?

The idea started a few months ago after we hosted a birthday party in October, we had a huge turnout and honestly, our apartment was too small and crowded to feel comfortable. We realized that the layout of our place is not good for big gatherings so being social creatures we talked about what would be a possible good alternative.

I remember my parent’s house being a gathering place for family and friends and once I moved out on my own, before I was married my little apartment became the place to go to after church, make a batch of whatever we were eating and share with about 5-6 friends. Once I got married I tried to keep this going but busy lives for us and my friends-and our/their wives just got in the way---see what I did there? he, he--they mainly didn't get along with each other so what was the point?...um; probably best to just leave that one alone. Also while growing up my parents had us kids set the table-it wasn’t anything more than get out the place mats, plates, utensils and drinking cups but it still had the feeling of a formal time to sit and eat together. I’ve gone back and do all those things when the kids come over to eat dinner on Wednesdays or Sundays as much as possible—I don’t know why I lost that and at what point eating with paper plates, and disposable cups became the norm—funny how some things happen in life.

Um...sorry about the tangent!

Back to the issue--Jeff and I decided that we would host smaller dinners with fewer people to get more of the intimate feeling and still be able to have a good time with others once in a while. So we’ve been inviting people over for dinner—at first it was once a week but then it became too much of a production and it seems to work best if we do it once every couple of weeks—typically a Monday night or adjust as needed based on schedules; but we go all out with the good plates, the good wine glasses, fabric napkins, napkin rings, full utensil set up the whole nine yards, what's the use of having fancy dishes if they never get used?—and I LOVE IT!

The best part is that we are able to reconnect with people from different points of life, singles, couples, we had Jeff’s ex-partner; we've also invited the first friend I ever admitted being gay to, new friends and old friends—It is fun to come up with “who are we inviting over next?” and figure out all the details. People are super-nice, we get to know them a little better and have a good meal, dessert, and wine or whatever drinks to share and good conversation. Most important we are back to what both of us enjoy doing, being social and hosting people at the house.

We’ve talked about branching out and consider inviting people we would normally not have over; maybe a married couple from my old days at church, or a couple of people from our Zumba class, a straight couple and yes, even some relatives without making it an official family function--in short invite people and yes, possibly even someone that would very much put us out of our comfort zone (sounds silly in my head, I know but we need to add all of these people to our list). 

I've loved bringing this part of myself back--I really do like doing it. So if you read this and have not been invited yet, or if you’ll be in Salt Lake City soon and have an evening to spare and some flexibility let me know, we would love to have you over and as the old saying goes:  “break bread", share some wine-or whatever your drink of choice is-have good conversation and laugh ourselves silly--really, do it! 

The Perks of Being Human...

 

I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower last weekend. My daughter had told me it was pretty good and I happened to see it at Red Box so I decided to rent it. I think I have a new tear-jerker movie (you know, the kind that you pop in the VCR when you need a good cry--Steel Magnolias is in that category).

The story (without giving too much away) is of a teen-aged writer who is starting High School the anxiety of the social patterns of teenagers, his family dynamics and the friends that take him under his wing. I couldn't make it more than 10 minutes between scenes without crying...yeah I'm a sappy old man...

There are lots of things I wish I could go back and do-over in my life but High School and my teenage years is NOT one of them, I identified very much with the wallflower character, unsure of what was going on at any given time, not really even aware of my surroundings, not even knowing what made me tick and afraid of finding any of it out at the same time if that makes sense, not knowing which adults to trust--and trusting the ones with their own agenda who managed to ruin it for me.

Still, I do think it was a good movie, lots of things to reflect on and if nothing else just a good story. I probably give it 3.5 stars (like the good movie reviewer that I am!) There's one phrase that stuck with me from the movie that has given me a lot to think about:

"We all accept the love we think we deserve"

deep....

Lots of thoughts about living, learning, observing, exploring, hurting and a lot of other human emotions. Don't watch it without tissues, you will need them!

If you've seen it, what do you think?

My fair life

Well the holidays came and are gone--it all seems almost like a blur...but they were good holidays, in fact my son mentioned that it was the best Christmas he had in many years--I think it had more with the fact that he is now working and was able to do some of his own sharing of cheer--good times!

We spent a good part of a Sunday clearing out the 2nd bedroom which pretty much came to be Christmas central--where all the bags, presents, boxes, wrapping paper and crafts came to rest while we figured out who they were going to, where they were being sent and all that good stuff. Afterwards we ironed a pile of clothing that had been neglected because we mainly had casual days at work and didn't need dress shirts; ironing is one of those chores that is left to the last possible moment--basically when there's no other choice, so we pop in a DVD and take turns ironing a few pieces each to make it easier and less of a daunting task.

This time the movie was My Fair Lady--I watched that years ago with my kid. It is one of those classic musicals that I love to watch and the music is great--of course Jeff and I get to sing along this time and somewhere in there I thought to myself: "I have a fabulous life--a great person in my life, we share in all things here, cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing and I get to do all of that while watching musicals... how much fortunate can I get?"

This is my fair life as of late...and it is damn good!

"Turn It Off"

Confession time: I've been meaning to post about this for a while and I keep saving the draft for later, it is time to just get it published. I think I've become obsessed with the Book of Mormon Musical (no, really?!?!?) Maybe it is because I'm only just catching up with campy tunes from musicals and I happen to like them--I don't know. I like almost all of the songs, but this one in particular always makes me crack up the most; however by the time the song ends I'm usually in tears---can anyone explain that?

TURN IT OFF

I wish YouTube still had the boot-legged copy of the play to show the actual song with the actors, it is much more visual than what's available now, but at least there's something to show.

I can't speak for anyone else, this is just my personal experience but as an active Mormon I think I was constantly self-pressured to shelve things up. If I had questions on faith, doubts, fears and anything that was not edifying I was pretty much under the impression that I needed to "turn it off" in other words, don't think about it and it doesn't exist. Funny thing is that I don't remember ever reading it in any official talk or manual about this, it may be more cultural than anything, yet in retrospect it affected so much of my life. I think my tears might originate from the sadness that I allowed this coping mechanism to become my way of life, any one who can explain, you know "free-advising, I'm not a shrink but play one on the internet" types out there?

Sometimes when talking to other members the concept of "if it isn't useful for your salvation it isn't important" would come up and be held as the general consensus; but then again there are plenty of things in life that are important enough to question but the rule of thumb is again, if it doesn't lead you to be good, do good and possibly even show how good you are then turn off the thoughts. I haven't made a point to sit and think about the number of items that I may have turned off during my active Mormon life and at this point maybe it isn't even worth it, but for two or three--or probably many more very obvious things--turning it off made a huge impact in my life...

Who knows maybe I'm still turning a lot of things off...don't we all?

Latin Dancing-- Not your mother's Salsa dance!

 I love to dance. I think it may have been one of my first OGT (Obviously Gay Traits) ever since I was a young kid, maybe 7 or 8 I remember loving to dance. It didn't matter what kind of music it was, it was just so freeing. One of the things I really liked growing up were the LDS Youth and Young Adult dances and I would hardly sit down at all. I read somewhere the saying "Dance like no one is watching" and that probably described me to a T.

I used to go dancing with a huge group of young adults, and we'd be found at one or other Young Adult dance or a dance club. Oddly enough I found it even more liberating that at the dance club you didn't have to have a partner, everyone danced as a group or by themselves and it was never a big deal, unlike church dances. Of course this all ended when we all got married and went our separate ways, but if there was a party or a wedding, I would jump to the chance to dance, didn't everyone? :-)

Fast-forward to coming out and being invited to a gay club. To say that I was intimidated is an understatement, but soon my nerves were calmed as dancing with my guy friends (as in a group) was not a big deal--I'd done it before. As fun as clubs are, I really don't consider myself to be club-hopper, but I do like to dance the night away whenever I go.

One of my latest frontiers crossed was Latin dancing-homo style. I wasn't sure how it worked because I had only danced Salsa, Merengue, Cumbia and heck even the Mexican Regional music with a woman and wasn't quite sure how it would work guy-guy. So a few of weeks ago we went to a gay Latin night and at first it was the couples (M-F) dancing but as soon as the place got crowded I started seeing--M/F, M/M, F/F couples dancing together which was way fun, non-judgmental and very nice!! I had a blast, I have to admit that because I only had led the dancing before it was weird to figure out who was leading dancing with the babe, but all in all it was a lot of fun! So now we'll have to learn to do the turning steps before we try to go again... YAY for making yet another  one of my favorite hobbies even MORE FUN!!