Transitions...whoever gets used to change?

It's been a while since I posted. Last time I did I was heading home so my partner could meet my parents and other relatives. The visit went swimmingly (as expected). When we returned from Texas we shortly headed out to Cancun for about 8 days, some of it part of a work conference for Jeff and part to explore Mayan ruins and have some beach time--it was awesome!

After the return (early May) life has been in constant change/transition. We moved, my kids are moving out of the state with their mother, my partner's father passed away; there's definitely been some changes in our lives and we've really not had a lot of time to sit and think about them.

Most of these things didn't dawn on me until someone brought it up--granted, I'm used to living in some or other form of chaos at a given time and it while it never is fun, it really sends me into auto pilot than anything else and at some point things just explode--I don't know-- I was just chalking things up to "wow--things are moving fast" but not giving much thought to the impact that each and every one of these changes have or may have. The moving part is alright, it is seemingly okay, as we move into routines it will just get better with time. The part about Jeff's dad--while sad did put his family into an unexpected mode, having to deal with preparations of the funeral, family, etc, etc and having to deal with grief all of the sudden. All I can do is be there for my partner and his family in as much as I'm able to be there for them and offer my support. I can handle that as well.

The part of my children moving away is a little trickier. My ex had mentioned the moving away part a few years ago so this isn't quite a surprise, but each summer I would just figure it may not happen again, but this time she sold her house and made all arrangements to move. Granted, my kids don't spend a lot of time with me now. My daughter is 15--what kid wants to be close to a parent that much right?!?! Yet she knows I have her back, anytime she calls/texts I'm there for her--I've made a point to show this and come through and even with the distance, I'm not planning to change that. My son is already 20, I don't have a lot of say in his decision to move but he is looking forward to new beginnings. I've been in his shoes so I don't blame him for wanting to seek out a place for himself in the world.

People have asked me how I feel about this whole thing. I really don't have much of a say (although I've already said I wish they weren't moving--like it mattered!!) but the more I think about it, the harder time I'm having dealing with my kids going away. It is one thing to have them living in the next neighborhood, then I moved 20 minutes away, now they're moving a whole state away....there's plans for us to still do things together, me and them 1-1 still--so that might just have to become the new normal....it will be alright--just one more thing to adjust in life...maybe life itself gets easier to handle, it maybe more about me dealing with life changes and curves that has become the standard...just some food for thought.

I Want My Dad to Finally Come Out

I read this link today from the Advocate:

http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/09/20/op-ed-i-want-my-dad-finally-come-out

My heart broke in many pieces reading the writings of this gay man's child.

I saw myself and yes, even the pain of my ex and kids in many of the paragraphs, the pain that is felt between the lines. Quite honestly when my ex-wife told me that I was not only hurting her (I had known that for a long time) but that the kids were also being hurt with all of the mess we were causing I couldn't handle it anymore and decided it was time to come out---in many ways even at the price paid, things never got as bad as the article.

Often times as parents we think we're protecting others from pain and misery, but in reality I think I was trying to protect myself. I can't say it was easy, I can't say it wasn't painful--there have been few if anything more painful than separating, not being able to tuck my kids in bed every night and be there for their waking up time, but after many years I can say it has been worth it.

Any Moho (and non) contemplating marrying a woman for the sake of family, society, church or themselves ought to read this and consider where will their life be down the road.

Word....

How do I undo what’s been done?

Sorry this is long...

Background:  more than a few years ago when I first came out to my mother (I was still married, trying to make sense of what it all meant, how it affected me, my now ex-wife and children) mom came to see me from Texas at my request. I wasn’t sure how I needed her at the time, but asking her to “be there” was all I could think of. That request turned nightmarish, she projected the entire experience onto herself—she always loved making things about herself—and in true fashion before heading home and in a ditch effort to ‘rope me back in’ told me to leave everything, my wife/children and fully return to the LDS church, an ultimatum of sorts. 

I reacted the only way I could at the moment--that she had no right to ask me to do anything,  that she was a dangerous person, she always made things about her, manipulated people into doing what she wanted using whatever means and ways she could (there’s stories I don’t even want to write about). I told her I didn’t want her anywhere near my family, I wanted no contact until I felt it was safe for me to do that. It took a few months for me to feel comfortable talking to her again, slowly and very much at a distance. Additionally my ex and mom never really found any common ground, not having to deal with each other was/is probably 85% of my problems being solved so I don’t think my ex-wife really has many courteous things to say about my mom.

Coming out fully a few years ago, I explained to my mother that I wasn’t seeking any kind of approval or permission. While our relationship has sort of improved at a respectable level, I never supported any kind of reconnection with my two kids, in my mind I kept seeing her manipulative ways with some of my nephews and nieces so in sort of a selfish way, I protected them from her—I don’t know if cancer has made her reflect on a lot of things—maybe because I don’t see her every day, but she seems to have calmed her ways—perhaps not and it just seems like it to me. 

Recently my sister made mom a Facebook profile and requested to have my kids added as friends of hers. My kids’ reaction to that initially was “mmmh, not now” which I think is fair. I saw some of my son’s postings about it, he feels she has not made an effort to make contact, get to know them; she’s apparently kept in some kind of contact with the other grandchildren. Yes they’re resentful, but a big part of it was my doing—and I admit it is my fault—I don’t know that their relationship would have gone sour or improved had I not explicitly asked her not to contact them. She is not even on Facebook that much that I can tell, but I honestly don’t know what kinds of things reconnecting them would cause, positive/negative ones? She does ask me about the kids on our phone conversations and I talk in generalities to both.

Gaaaaah, this has gone too long already--if you're still reading: I’m a little torn, but I’m willing to accept my share of blame in causing much of this, I just don’t know if it is now too late to fix it. She is 71 so it isn’t like we have all the time in the world to see what happens in the future. It’s a mix of guilt and wanting to get this resolved ASAP. Maybe I’ll talk to the kids, do some explanations and see what evolves from that—the thought has been in my head for a few weeks. What if anything can be done at this point? Is it my job to intercede, explain, resolve? Do I drag the kids to Texas in person? Do I leave it alone? So much I don’t even know where to begin.... thoughts anyone?

Reflections on 20 years

Today would have been the 20th wedding anniversary---

I reflect on it, not because I wish I was still married or because I miss all of that craziness that should have never happened, but because of how far I've come since I took a deep breath and decided I had to do something about it all or it was going to end up killing me.

Yes, back then I wanted the fairy tale, I wanted the family, the house with a white picket fence, kids and a dog--hearing from my religious leader at age 23 that getting married would give me a sexual outlet and do away with my feelings felt like the silver bullet I'd been looking for all along--yes it was naive of me to think that way--but even in 1993 there didn't seem to be any other viable alternative. I didn't know any out/open gay person, I didn't know of affirmation, evergreen (thank heavens) or other support groups, although they apparently existed back then--even so, the possibility exists that anyone who would have wanted to knock some sense into me would not have succeeded--I was that determined to make everyone happy--everyone but me--and prove that I could do this.

I struggled for years figuring out how to undo the mess I had created and how dragged my now ex-wife and two children into it all and realized over and over that no matter what I did it was going to be painful if not deadly. How could I say the words out-loud, how could I admit that the choices I had made back then caused more damage and kept increasing the misery day by day? How could I have done that to someone else? To myself? Just how? Sleepless nights were spent thinking about this, crazy days were spent worrying about that; days turned into months, months turned into years, when was the madness going to end?

Years later I very much realize that what didn't kill me did make me stronger, and surprise, it really got better---I have my two children who in spite of it all still want to have a relationship with me, love me and make me proud to be their dad; a relationship with a loving, caring partner who is my best friend and who motivates and encourages me to be a better person every day--something that I couldn't even wrap my head around a few years ago; I have caring friends who have been there for me in many ways in my deepest, darkest times.

My current life can probably only be explained as a combination of luck and blessings--and yet it is still product of the decision made 20 years ago so I really can't complain, it would be silly of me to say it was a mistake, I wouldn't be where I am had it not been for where I was on 7/23/1993.

It is still interesting how life makes one reflect...

Time flies... what 20 years will do to you

This week marks 20 years since I arrived in Utah with my then-best friend. Both of us were naive returned-missionaries, didn't have a penny to our names, but we were ready to take on the world. I had been warned by people (among them my own mother) that moving to Utah would cause me to go inactive.

I've been asked repeatedly throughout my 20 years living here why Utah? I can't help but think, why not? But instead I tell people that I very much enjoyed this place, the scenery, the relatively mild weather (compared to Texas and other places) and yes, the reality was that I was here to be with the saints. It felt like a safe enough place, where I could be on my own, go to school, work and create a life. I learned a lot of interesting things being on my own, some of which scared me (like my first job interview here where I was asked where I went on my mission) some of which were exciting--such as being able to go come and go pretty much whenever I chose and then also discovered things about myself that I was probably not prepared to face or deal with, but I've talked about these before, I'll spare all the dirty details.

As the days turned into weeks and months and years life went on: jobs, friendships, relationships church callings, marriage, children, bills, moves and all the things that come with life---

"We were so happy

we didn't even know how 

miserable we were" 

--Fiddler On The Roof

I am not sure where things started to unravel in life, but something tells me that I never quite had it all together to begin with. The life I had didn't seem to fit quite me no matter how hard I tried. I was just playing a role in a show that just kept going and going and going--sometimes the episodes were interesting, sometimes they were sad and often times they were simply boring. I tried to flee Utah a couple of times to Southern California--the only place I ever found remotely interesting to drop everything and go and as I've told people, only to be chewed up and spit right back to Utah. Perhaps by all outward appearances we were just like any typical family--the normal ones (little does anyone know there are no normal families). But life has happened and continues to happen, isn't it interesting?

Years later I lost faith in the LDS church and left with my family--mom's words became a reality. I can honestly say that losing my religion was one of most traumatic events of my life. I had no compass, I felt lost and abandoned from everything that I knew, even though I actually never quite fit in that world either--ironic, isn't it? A little over three years ago I wondered where would life take me but I wouldn't even dare ask the question out loud. Staying in a sad, sham of a marriage didn't seem any more appealing than the pain it was going to cause to split up, come out and start living my life. I don't even remember where or how I found gay Mormon bloggers, a community of people who at one time thought they were the only one of their kind in the world.

It took probably another six months for me to say the words: "Yes, I am gay" out loud and start the road to claiming my life. The next couple of years have been nothing short of an epic journey. Tears have been shed, pain has been caused, but some wounds have been healing--but on the other hand, I'm finally able to be me, the real me--have the ability to love and be loved for who I am. It was probably only about 2 years ago that I was able to look at myself in the mirror for the first time and liked what I saw. It makes sense to solve the mystery of why I am in Utah (and keep coming back) oddly as it sounds: This is home, this is where my support system is--call it family and/or dear close friends, Moho family and yes, even LOVE!! I don't know how easier I would have been able to make the necessary transitions, meet amazing people and run into a certain someone who has managed to show me a life and a world I dreamed of but could possibly not envision otherwise had I not been where I am now.

Life keeps going on, oddly enough. I'm far from having it together--I still don't have penny to my name, funny how somethings just never change--some days I honestly don't know which way is up and/or down but I do know that I'm in a better place (mentally & physically, emotionally than I was even 2 years ago) and I'm still a work in progress in other areas, I suppose as long as there's hope. If I could go back and tell that young kid that arrived in Utah 20 years ago this week anything worthwhile it would be to expect the unexpected but be open for possibilities, try everything once and yes, in the midst of all crazy things about life, relationships and growing older (not necessarily wiser) I would only add the following:

March is Over...about time!

Don't worry, I'm not going to talk about that March Madness---I'm not into College Basketball and all I really know about it from hearing people talking is sweet sixteen, brackets, going to the dance, foursome (or is it final 4?)---all sounds pretty gay if you really ask me, but hey, what do I know?

There were somethings going on during the month that made me cringe when thinking about it before it even started. This is that time of the year when the weather is cold and hot, the kind that you wait 5 minutes and it changes. Also since last year Daylight Savings happens in March, which throws my sleep patterns so out of rhythm and it takes me a while to recover (and I'm a morning person). This time I thought I wouldn't recover from it until the time falls back again!

Also, the babe had planned to go out of town and it was going to be our first time apart for more than a couple of days in a very long, long time. There was a possibility that he was going leave again for another week towards the end of the month and until word came that he didn't have to,  I was stressing horribly about it but survived this part just fine, thankfully.  The week before he went out of town I managed to I hurt my knee running, then sometime after I caught a cold so between the knee and all I missed a couple of days of work which was alright, it is always a madhouse there so all of it was just waiting for me when I came back.

Somewhere in there I had a bit of a spat with the X and she is not talking to me--it may just be a blessing in disguise in reality--in my perfect world we would all be civil and talking and well, that kind of throws things off whack a little but I'm learning to let go of the things I can't control and focus more on those that I can. So March was a crazy month, it wasn't one particular thing but it was a little bit of everything-- easy to understand right?  Now I can't wait for better weather, where I can get out and be outside more, where I can start thinking of summer activities and moving on which is the perfect time to give the ol' blog a makeover!! :-)

Back when I was stressing about March approaching I didn't think it would actually come and go so fast and yet it did in a mere blink! --must be yet another sign of my old age, not that I'm complaining...he, he, he!

Movie Review: Mulligans

We saw this movie last Friday at Gay Movie Night although it wasn't my first time. I had originally seen it shortly after separating from the X, I knew it was a gay-themed movie & wasn't sure all that it was going to be about--but I remember just sitting there and crying through a good part of it. Everything was very raw and fresh and the experiences that the Dad's character were going through were too much to handle at the time. I got the message but there were so many things I missed about it.

Fast-forward a year and a half. I saw it with a bunch of other people, some of them were watching it for the first time. A few of the guys have only been separated from their X's for a very brief time and some of them lost it here and there. I mentioned to someone that it was nice to watch the movie again and be able to see the other characters and their points of view of the experience of having a grown-married-man come out and the drama that unfolds with his wife and children instead of just bawling.

The main difference for me this time was to realize how far I've come since that raw/emotional time. Not that I didn't think that the movie isn't emotional--that's not the case at all. I guess time does heal all wounds and in some aspects it does get better (yes, I went there; ha!). Someone said that he hoped someday to show this movie to his kids so they at least have a glimpse of how he feels/felt going through his coming-out. I'm not sure that my kids would want to watch it but if they should ever ask about my experience it might be worth bringing it up so I recommend it for the drama, or if you have a gay spouse, son, brother, dad--whatever and you don't think you get it, this movie might give you a small glimpse of their experience and let's also be frank, the dad and Chase do offer nice eye-candy!