Where are you from? No really--where are your originally from?

I've had the first question asked of me for more than 30 years since living in Utah.

"Where are you from?"

I used to think that it was just an innocent question--and would happily answer: "Mexico City, but grew up in Houston, Texas"

A few years ago I started thinking, is there some other meaning to this question? I figured I lived in Utah for long enough to consider it my home so I started answering: Salt Lake City, over by the West side. Surprisingly enough, I got the follow up: 

"No, really where are you from?"

"Um--well, if you must know--my family is from Mexico and I grew up in Texas, but Utah has been my home longer than any other place I've lived in, how's that?"

It almost felt like a "you're not white, surely you're from somewhere else, certainly not from Utah"--I'll admit it stung a little, but not really much--I'm not into being offended about everything so I just let things go whenever I get that question asked and to be fair, I still have an accent so it is pretty obvious I wasn't born in Utah, so there's that...

The other day a friend posted the question: "Where is home to you?" I like that question a lot more.

Maybe I blame my mother--she was sort of a nomad and I honestly she never felt home anywhere. To her home was her birthplace in Mexico City and moving around and changing scenery was never a big deal to her, I swear in the 10 years I lived in Texas we moved 10 times (maybe I exaggerate--not sure) but we sure shuffled around a lot. 

Texas never really felt like home, I love Mexico City, where I was born but Utah has a special place in my life--no other place has felt like home--not just when I was active/Mormon and believing, it continued after my church activity ended (lord knows I tried leaving a couple of times but returned to Utah), and any other lifetimes---and it still feels like home. 

I'll admit that living in Utah wasn't all flawless either--I also moved a ton--I don't even want to think of the times I moved until I landed in my current place years ago that has been home and have managed to remain still (and plan on it for several more).

But overall--Utah is home, it feels like home--I love to travel and go see new places but there's a certain level of familiarity and comfort that comes with living here, and I like it, even as an out-gay man living in a state with a predominant religion that isn't that accepting. The reality is that Salt Lake City itself is a big-ol gay-borhood and anyone who thinks otherwise is not looking.

So next time I get asked "where are you from?" I'll try blurting out "Salt Lake City" then move on to elaborating my whole life story, but I'll end up saying "Utah is home".

Losing a Parent

I've debated whether to post about this or not; after all, sharing one's vulnerabilities online is not really something that I like to do, but I also feel like people don't really talk about this stuff a lot and I feel like I kinda need an outlet.

So my mother died a little over a month ago. It wasn't unexpected, she had been fighting cancer for many years--lots of treatments, scans, radiation, chemo, side effects, many things that healthy people probably don't even realize can happen when someone is diagnosed with the big C.

I also feel like I need to explain that my mother had a personality that brought on a lot of issues to others--aside from my standard mommy issues as a gay man, there were so many other layers of issues that we dealt with: My leaving the LDS church--that was probably more traumatic for her than my coming out of the closet (since she knew that part since I was a kid and all) and other things that frankly at this point don't matter anymore. Anyway, long story short--mom and I had kept a respectful-once-a-week-call-over-the-phone relationship since she lived in another state. It was cordial but really superficial 'how's the weather, how's your health?' kind of a thing.

The point of my story--I did get a chance to say goodbye in person about a week or two before she passed. I'll admit that while there was high drama going on everywhere around mom, siblings, family and others, I think I managed to keep most of my wits about me during the trip to see her--thank heavens for my husband who was a huge help during that time and pulled me away from a few situations when I asked and was a huge support!

We made it back home and she went into a hospice center where after a few days I got the notice that she had just passed. When I heard of her passing, which I had anticipated and had told myself for years how I was going to handle things, my reaction was more or less calm but also a rush of thoughts and emotions--some good, some bad--but I still went through some emotions I was not entirely ready to process.

I noticed that friends and other family reached out, showed care, love and concern in unusual ways. Of course you have to be grateful for caring and thoughtful people who surround you with love, condolences and offers for "if you need anything". I thought about this for a while and realized that some of these people had also lost a  parent and have been through the emotional rollercoaster of losing someone that significant in your life or at the very least dread someday having to deal with that situation, hence the extended empathy.

I don't think it mattered that mom and I were not the best of friends or that we were not super close as other mom-child relationships seem to be; I think at the end of the day, nothing prepares you to lose a parent, it is a hard thing to go through, I rank it up there with the high traumas of my life. I think it just sucked to lose her and I hope I will feel like I'm processing things by writing about it.

Crazy hu?

So there's been some ups and downs; a lot of the feelings have come through, maybe a song I hear and I know she loved, it may be through a picture someone posted or a note from a sibling or my step-dad who is still sorting through things. Sometimes there's tears, sometimes there's just feelings and I'll be honest, sometimes there's nothing...

I loved my mom but it was really difficult to love her at times. I know she loved me too and maybe a lot of things she did were out of love--I don't know and at this point I honestly, don't care to know. Part of me makes me feel like an ungrateful son, part of me feels like I have the right to feel any way I want and I shouldn't be making excuses for the way I chose to maintain the kind of relationship I had with her even up until the end.

Funny how humans and relationships and feelings work!

So there's that!

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

Up to a few years ago--I'm going to say 5 years I was NOT a fan of Christmas.

I won't talk about the details of how I came to hate the holidays but when someone right about September of every year would bring up drawing names for Secret Santa and how much money was expected to be spent--the rest of the time up to the day was one big anxiety attack. I recall literally going into a dark place when I would hear

I'm dreaming, of a White Christmas...

..and have literal body convulsions. It wasn't the most wonderful time of the year, it wasn't a season of love, it was everything but--I didn't want to be part of it. I used to fall for the tear-jerker movies like The Family Stone, Love Actually and others because they could make me cry and release some of that hate for the season. I actually enjoyed being called a Scrooge, a Grinch--yeah I owned that and the last thing I ever wanted to hear was a Christmas carol--none of that!!!

Move forward a couple of years after coming out, divorcing and being only in charge of my own and my kid's Christmas--money was sooooooo tight, every extra penny was spent on what to get the kids, every bit of extra credit on my card was carefully spent on something they would love--not the best of times but much, much better times--I had a much narrower purpose and I could handle that.

With time I started feeling better about the holidays--gift exchanges, showing up to events, festivals and lights were much better on my soul--but there was a piece of me that I couldn't shake off: Christmas Carols--I still had the same retching sensation when I'd  hear the first one of the season. I wanted to be home for Christmas, I wanted the Snow and Mistletoe and presents on the tree... I didn't want to have a Blue Christmas and oh lord--don't even throw Christmas shoes into that mix--I was trying to re-build my life with a new love, a new life, give it meaning but those songs and themes made me sad--really sad and bring me to tears--sometimes ugly, snot-bubble, open wailing cries...

In spite of having a new-great life I was still having Hard Candy Christmases...

Then one day I thought, what is this home I want to go home to? What is this Blue Christmas I want to propagate? What in the world is there to be sad about? I have a great partner, great children who love me, a place to live, great family, great friends, a good life--what is this melancholy about? I had to have an attitude adjustment and instead of focusing on the sad stuff I started having better thoughts and enjoying the great songs and themes:

All I want for Christmas, is you!!

I can now sing along without getting depressed, I can now feel good to hark the harold Angel's sing, I can laugh along with Rudolph The Rednose Reindeer, Sleighbell, Jingle Bells and others-- I can even make it through

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas---

...and not lose it--unless I'm watching Meet Me In St. Louis--then I lose it completely--but if it is just on the radio I can do it--I'm proud of where I am now and the progress I've made. This post has got long (as usual).

How do you handle Christmas?

Life is Short...

 It's been a couple rough months in our household...

Not because of finances or internal issues--rather because in that time frame we've lost 2 people that were close parts of our lives. There's a lot to be said for having a family of one's choosing, even if your blood family dynamic is good, there are those close to you that mean the same and sometimes even more than if they were related to you.

Through the last few years we've managed to create such a circle, the ones that you invite to each other's homes for dinner, birthdays and events, the ones that you've grown close to, have seen new love and relationships grow, children grow, things happen and the people that you know will be there for you for the good times but more important, when life doesn't go according to the script in our heads.

The first loss it was the husband of one of our dear friend's. Not that it makes any loss less catastrophic, but we had known for a while that Mark was ill and his health had been deteriorating slowly (or too fast, depending on who you ask).  Their time together was cut too short after it had seemed that the life we all dreamed of had finally materialized.

It was rough to watch our dear friend Joseph lose his love, go through the motions of taking care of arrangements, talking to people, doing what needed to be done. Sometimes words don't do anything to help the pain. All you can do is hope to be there when/if your loved one needs you. I had been holding things in and at the end of Mark's beautiful memorial service I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably in a friend's arms--the sadness was just too much.

Not that there was any time to recover & start healing from losing Mark, a little over a week ago we got word to run up to the hospital, another close friend, Kurt and his fiance had been in a car accident and Kurt didn't make it. There was so much going on for them, they had just bought a house, they were planning a wedding. We probably spent 2-3 days in shock, trying to comfort Kurt's fiance but also trying to comfort each other. Nothing prepares you for such a thing. We met with Kurt's mother and siblings in the middle of last week and that may have been the start of some healing, but sitting in a memorial service again brought lots of emotions.

It is true the funerals are for the living--in the end, you celebrate the lives that have touched you, hang on to the good times and memories--again this is very important--hope to be able to be there for their loved ones and tell your heart to hurt, be angry, resign itself and finally learn to live with the hole left by the departure of those you love. I think the most important thing I can say is that the last time I spoke to the two people mentioned there was no question of the love/care felt for them.


I learned a lot from Mark and Kurt--very different situations but both lived full lives, the kind of lives that you have no regrets, the kind that while you know there was so much left undone, there were few things left crossed off the checklist of things that make you truly happy because of their relationships and they way they found love, enjoyed whatever time was available and at the end of the day you lived it to the fullest. 

 The biggest lesson learned from all this for me:

Yes, why the heck not?

Goodness--where have I been?

Time flies...

It is not that I don't have enough things to say on a blog, in fact I have several drafts on thoughts that I've started, saved and think that I'll come back to finish some other time and then I don't...

I do check my page a few times a week and that's where I usually catch up with the blogs I follow or the good ol' Moho Directory.

Life is just busy, not the best explanation but probably the best reason...

I guess it goes to show for those that wander where will the deplorable path of the gay agenda that people warn you about--if you ever want to follow it:

Get up
Get ready for work (being awake is debatable)
Get to work and put in a full day
Come home
Make dinner
Clean up dinner
Go take a class if there's one going on (guitar, cooking, there's lots of that)
Catch up on the DVR if there's time

Sometimes you're lucky enough to have friends over for dinner so entertaining is a must and a very re-charging activity

Sometimes you're lucky enough to get invited to a friend's place for dinner and be entertained--works both ways and that's great when it happens.

On weekends:
Catch up on chores and cleaning, laundry, etc, etc (blah!)
Catch up with family activities
Check in on parents
Get to work on whatever project is going on at the time.
Clear out the mail basket, pay bills, plan for the week.

Lather--rinse--repeat...

A couple times a year:
You get lucky enough to get away for a week somewhere maybe fly out or drive off for a long weekend.
Explore the place (oddly enough be dead tired by 9pm and crash).
Get out of the normal grind.

Somewhere in between life happens, friends and family call/text, you check in on a loved one who is sick, you watch a new relationship bloom, another relationship end, babies born, babies grow, people grow, some get sick and some of them die...

YEP gays are causing all kinds of horror and distress on the world --personally I am not certain where I could find the time and energy for it--I might just be too exhausted. 

I have no time or energy to rack up my brains about what was said at the last LDS general conference, or what apostle or public relations media release says about me, my husband, our lives--I'd rather spend my time/energy on other stuff (I still see the stuff, I live in the middle of it--just choose not to let take a prominent place in my life).

I have made a conscious decision not to get too political on social media--what I may have to say will not change or help sway anyone's mind--so what's the point?


And that--is the story of my life...

Where have I been? 
Probably trying to live it...
Enjoy the sunset...
Enjoy a flock of birds fly by...

Funny how some things seem to be more significant as time flies (read get old)....

What's the point of this post?

Oh yeah--I'm still around

Remembering A Gentle, Loving Soul

A year ago my partner's dad died. He had been in the hospital for a few days and we had visited him just the day before. Still in spite of knowing he had health issues, no amount of warning prepares another human being to get the news that a parent has died--it was a shock.

I have seen my partner struggle for a year missing his dad and that has been hard to watch. There are somethings in life that you can't just fix--this being one of those. He was the most loving, caring and accepting man I have ever met, he had nothing but love for everyone he came across, he truly had no guile. He was a handy man and loved tools--many of which my partner learned to use because his dad taught him. While working on some projects in the house there have been several instances where a phrase: "dad taught me this" or "dad would have told me to do this"--to me, this speaks volumes of the relationship they had. My partner speaks of his childhood home growing up as the safe place where no matter what was going on in their lives, everyone knew that home was where they were loved unconditionally and scratches his head when he hears horror stories of Mormon families who disown their kids for being gay or XYZ reasons.

Partner's dad had a way to find a common ground with everyone. One time the topic of our LDS missions came up--as it often happens with returned missionaries; his mission was in the Navajo reservation and he told me he never wore a white shirt and a tie--he wore jeans and boots, rode horses & hardly preached. He was more interested in getting the people's trust and taught them lots of things on bettering their lives. He said that when he came home from his mission he was asked to share his testimony in Navajo--and because he only learned so much--decided to count from 1-10 in Navajo and throw in a GA name here and there--who would ever know right? When I heard this story I laughed, and laughed--then in somewhat of a somber way he said: "I've never told this to anyone before--except for my wife"---oh wow!! Hard not to get the feels when I remember this experience.

The family has been talking about ways to honor him at the year of his passing. Each of them is finding their own personal way of doing it and the best way I can think is to write and thank him here for his unconditional love--which I was lucky enough to receive for a a few years since I met him; he truly loved everyone genuinely--and the example of a loving human being whose legacy still runs in that family that remembers him, misses him and somehow manages to go on while honoring his name.

He lived, he loved, he didn't just talk the talk--he walked it all the way. In Mormon doctrine there is no such thing as "Rest In Peace"--you work when you live, you keep working even after you die and heaven knows if that ever stops--and if that's indeed the case he is probably busy watching after everyone, and I have a feeling that this would have just been his style...

Getting personal--Tarot Card Reading

I was recently at a party and when the host mentioned that a friend of his did Tarot Card readings and would be happy to do for the guests for a modest price--my curiosity pinged!!

Before I go on--growing up Mormon I seem to remember that reading cards or fortune telling in most ways is frowned upon--some members will even go as far as not playing cards of any kind, who knew that a spade could bring doom and gloom to anyone? I honestly don't know whether that is official policy, doctrine or just a cultural quirk. Still the ever cautious me from the past would never go to the extent of having cards/fortune read or even go to a psychic--that kind of stuff was on my definite list of no-no's (more on that later).

I figured if there was ever a time to explore any of this stuff now was the perfect opportunity (okay I confess the wine pushed me over the curiosity edge!). Still--I went in with an open mind. The card reader asked me to hold the deck in my hands, have an open my mind, share the energy with the deck and then proceeded to set the cards in the same order as the picture above.

She mentioned a few things that were interesting. She did say she was not a psychic, she merely went to take some courses at the university and learned to get comfortable with the Celtic Tarot cards. She also said repeatedly that she didn't know me from Jack. The next thing she said was that she only deals the cards right-side-up, never upside-down, because, well--who wants to give a negative reading at a party (not that I would know the difference) right?!? So then she went on to talk about my cards--the revelations were interesting to say the least, but there was really nothing new or juicy and scandalous about me that I didn't already know--sorry to disappoint...

The stuff about my life that she spoke of was fairly spot on--granted they were pretty broad generalities in the reading but they were very positive, so positive that the experience brought some tears to my eyes--I know it was the wine--what else would have made me weepy!?!?!? But it really made me feel good!!. Afterwards I asked if I could give her a hug and she said yes.

Back to the part about my old self never wanting to get cards read or going to a psychic or fortune teller---in my old lives I would have NEVER, ever agreed to do that due to all the obvious dark closets that I used to live in--the last thing I would have wanted was someone seeing right through me and I would like to think that I used to make pretty calculated moves and decisions that involved low risk in my life to make sure of that--at least in my head.

In contrast, my life is in a whole different plane now; I suppose the moral is that I have nothing left to hide and it feels pretty good to be in that state and not be afraid. Maybe it is that I'm out and happy, maybe it is my age and feeling comfortable in my skin, maybe it was the wine...who knows! Have you ever had your fortune read or had tarot cards? how was that experience?

*For the record...some people in my circles now talk about Mormon Patriarchal Blessings as a form of fortune telling. I know some folks hold those pretty sacred and I respect those who do so --I wouldn't personally dare make fun--but I also understand that not everyone sees things the same way and people have the right to their opinion based on their personal perceptions and experiences--so there, hows that for disclosure?

Labeling Families

It's been a while since I last updated this blog. Part of me feels like I may have moved on enough to let all Moho things go, but almost without a doubt, every April and October topics of general discussion revolve around whatever someone has said at the LDS Church General Conference, sure a lot has to do with the place I live, I get it and then I don't really get it.

For the record, I stopped minding what is said there a long time ago, most of it does not affect me and frankly most of it is repetitive in nature. The only conscious thing I do during GC is to avoid driving downtown--it is usually a madhouse there--besides I rely on the news to re-cap something that might be considered outstanding (new temples announced, etc).  I also see some of the feed on friend's Facebook posts--this might sound harsh, but even as a believing member I don't recall paying so much attention to most of what was said in General Conference as I see a lot of Ex-Mormons and Mohos do. Is it that we may be looking for key words to incite controversy? I am not sure...

I responded to one friend's rant about the latest controversy of someone or other calling some types of family "counterfeit" by noting that it has been a while since most of what is said up there means much to me, good or bad. I certainly don't allow my life to be guided by what they say, I don't define my relationship based on what they think. I'm more or less at the point of let the haters spew perceived hate (or whatever) and I don't give them credit one way or the other--so why do others still allow that?

I have read from some posters that they're complaining on behalf of anyone-- perhaps that kid or a grownup in the closet that might feel angst and might go into depression or suicide attempts after hearing those words--I get it, I would like to think there's validity to this issue, is there more that could be done, do we all have an obligation to do something?

Where is the balance?

I really don't have the drive to become an activist at this point, I really don't--I appreciate those who find it in themselves to scream and shout and let it all out--after all, most changes have not happened because someone just sits back... Sure, there's things that rub me the wrong way if I look hard enough just about anywhere, but that's just not my personality. In my mind there's more to be said by letting things be, don't give haters the time of day by propagating their messages, sharing what someone might say that is offensive and spend my time doing better things with my life.

Is it apathy?

Is it carelessness?

Is there a point where I should rise up with the masses and burn my proverbial bra in protest?

I honestly don't know...

I realize now that the topic of this post & picture really don't have much to do with what I actually wrote...

How do you feel, if you made it this far down?

It IS a big deal and it is NOT a big deal...

Two weeks ago (yes I'm late writing about it)--I got to work and things went haywire on Social media as the US Supreme Court had decided that they did not want to hear anything about the State of Utah's appeal for equality marriage, therefore making the Federal District Court's decision stand, no more appeals and no more waiting:

Gay marriage was/is finally legal in my home-state of Utah!!

Of course it is a big deal--the media was probably expecting the rush of couples racing to the court house, it was interesting to watch the broadcasts of the county buildings with only a handful of couples but otherwise not a big rush like what we were seeing in December, it is a big deal because of all the controversy involved in a conservative state like Utah where one religious entity still appears to call many of the shots at several levels of life. It is a big deal because no matter how vocal some people are, it is the new law of the land, much sooner than anyone expected.

The reason I don't necessarily think it is a big deal is that equality marriage has been happening for more than 10 years in many countries and US States, governments have somehow managed to still operate, life has adapted and moved on--the world did not stop turning. It is a formality of things that we've seen coming for a while. I don't think it should be confusing what to do with rules, statutes and current laws because--well, this has been happening already. I hear the voices of "what if churches are obligated to perform same-sex marriages under the new law?" (they're not, by the way)--and even if for some weird notion were, why would I go ask a religious leader of a church that does not accept me to do it?

 

So my stance is that it is a good thing, we've been waiting for it, we'll move on--isn't that how it happens elsewhere? Why is Utah any different? Of course people have asked about why aren't we rushing, when is the date, what's the plan? We have talked about getting married but it is still very much a discussion right now. I've had this conversation with my kids and both are pretty supportive. Still, our lives are such at this moment that it isn't a huge rush to have to make a decision

BUT

If we were to decide to get married it is great to know that it is a valid and available option for me, my partner and many other people in whatever situation they live. I realize that there are certain benefits that we want to take advantages of and many rights that we would not have otherwise and when the right time comes--it isn't a question of if, but when and we'll go from there.

 

What does need to happen is for people--myself included--to stop calling it "Same-sex-marriage, equality marriage, gay marriage, non-traditional marriage, traditional marriage, heterosexual marriage" and just call it "Marriage"--I can get on board with that!

Whirlwind of events and emotions...

I had the fortune to spend two weeks out of the last month traveling with my children--in an ideal world I would have taken them both and my partner together on all the trips; however, situations were such that I was only able to go with one kid at a time--but that also made for some really needed 1-1 time with each of them--Jeff was very supportive of me doing this so I was glad he understood the circumstances and how it all evolved.


The first round was traveling with my 15yr old daughter for a trip I had promised her in lieu of not being able to celebrate her Quinceañera (Latin version of a sweet sixteen) and it was our way to celebrate. I was hoping to be able to have time to talk to her about some things that we never had a chance to do during the separation/divorce, things from my point of view, when I had been told not to discuss 'my gay life' with her, things about her life, her point of view on many things and get a general feeling of where she is/was. Let's just say  that being stuck in airplanes for a long time sure helped--we had many heart-to-heart discussions, no limits on topics, no judgements.

She blew me away on her views on the world, my life, her life and how it all sort of fits together in her mind. Things that I had been worried about her that are really not issues and realized that there are things she does worry about that I had not considered. She also amazed me at what a good navigator she is--she did screen shots of places we were going to and was able to pull them up on her phone to get to places she wanted to visit--of course I'm biased--but I'm so proud of her level of maturity and how she is facing the world and how she sees life, she makes me a proud papa.

Fast-forward to the last week of July. My son asked me to come along with him on a trip--his original plans sort of fell through so he asked if I could go and I was more than happy to step in and being able to pull it off. We spent a few days trekking around, went to a sporting event he really wanted to see for a long time and just wandered. I had had many conversations with him in the past so this situation was different but we still managed to have a lot of good talks, reassure where our relationship is as a father/son and how it is evolving now that he is learning to be an adult.

He also did his homework, figuring out how we could get around, costs, times, etc--he put a lot of effort into this trip and as usual he is very easy going, just ready to take on the next place, walk for blocks, ride subways, etc & keep things flowing without a specific schedule and just enjoy the time. Sure, I'll be paying for all of this in due time, but then I read this and makes perfect sense in my head:

We certainly made a lot of good memories, and I hope to be able to make a lot more in the future, whether in similar format or whatever we are able to do. The saddest parts for me were to say goodbye to them at the airport once they were heading back to their home--it never gets easy whether it is dropping them off at their mom's house or an airplane, a parent's heart hurts just the same, I did my best to hide the tears and broke down once I didn't have them in front of me, but life goes on and so must I...

This year sure has been one to make up a lot of the past years I have not been able to travel. I had forgotten how much fun it is, but I also confess that it gets tiring, the allure of getting on an airplane does get old after a while but again, it is a small price to pay for the good times...

Transitions...whoever gets used to change?

It's been a while since I posted. Last time I did I was heading home so my partner could meet my parents and other relatives. The visit went swimmingly (as expected). When we returned from Texas we shortly headed out to Cancun for about 8 days, some of it part of a work conference for Jeff and part to explore Mayan ruins and have some beach time--it was awesome!

After the return (early May) life has been in constant change/transition. We moved, my kids are moving out of the state with their mother, my partner's father passed away; there's definitely been some changes in our lives and we've really not had a lot of time to sit and think about them.

Most of these things didn't dawn on me until someone brought it up--granted, I'm used to living in some or other form of chaos at a given time and it while it never is fun, it really sends me into auto pilot than anything else and at some point things just explode--I don't know-- I was just chalking things up to "wow--things are moving fast" but not giving much thought to the impact that each and every one of these changes have or may have. The moving part is alright, it is seemingly okay, as we move into routines it will just get better with time. The part about Jeff's dad--while sad did put his family into an unexpected mode, having to deal with preparations of the funeral, family, etc, etc and having to deal with grief all of the sudden. All I can do is be there for my partner and his family in as much as I'm able to be there for them and offer my support. I can handle that as well.

The part of my children moving away is a little trickier. My ex had mentioned the moving away part a few years ago so this isn't quite a surprise, but each summer I would just figure it may not happen again, but this time she sold her house and made all arrangements to move. Granted, my kids don't spend a lot of time with me now. My daughter is 15--what kid wants to be close to a parent that much right?!?! Yet she knows I have her back, anytime she calls/texts I'm there for her--I've made a point to show this and come through and even with the distance, I'm not planning to change that. My son is already 20, I don't have a lot of say in his decision to move but he is looking forward to new beginnings. I've been in his shoes so I don't blame him for wanting to seek out a place for himself in the world.

People have asked me how I feel about this whole thing. I really don't have much of a say (although I've already said I wish they weren't moving--like it mattered!!) but the more I think about it, the harder time I'm having dealing with my kids going away. It is one thing to have them living in the next neighborhood, then I moved 20 minutes away, now they're moving a whole state away....there's plans for us to still do things together, me and them 1-1 still--so that might just have to become the new normal....it will be alright--just one more thing to adjust in life...maybe life itself gets easier to handle, it maybe more about me dealing with life changes and curves that has become the standard...just some food for thought.

Going home...

 I'm going to do something this month that I have not done for so-very-long. I'm going home to Houston to see my parents and taking my partner with me. Last time I went to Houston in 1999 my parents actually lived in Utah so technically I have not been to my parent's Houston home for over 20 years. I realize I don't HAVE to go home but it appears that the planets have aligned and it is a good time to make it happen.

How am I feeling? Depends on the moment I'm thinking about it. There has been a lot of excitement, coupled with anxiety, some uncertainty, a couple of "breathe, man, breathe!!" moments but overall I'm excited to go back, to go home and see family and some old friends, again, it is time to just do it.

See this is the first time I'll be going home as an all-out-gay-man. Not only that, I'm bringing my partner and while most of my siblings have met Jeff, my parents have not. At this point it isn't a matter of winning their acceptance, permission, even their blessing. It is a matter of them seeing me in my present life situation and where it has taken me. Now this will not be a surprise to them--I am out to them, they know about my partner and we've had several phone conversations about all of this, in fact we're staying in their house for a few days, in the same room with their approval, so none of that will be a shock to them.

The part that freaks me out a little is the always lingering thought that one goes through in the process of coming out to a new person, a new job or in a new situation, that someone will NOT be okay with it and make things uncomfortable all around. I'm not confrontational by nature so this issue creeps in my mind to a certain extent but I am also at a point in my life where I basically don't care who accepts and who doesn't, who is comfortable and who isn't. The best way I've learned to deal with uncertain situations is to NOT make a big deal out of things in the first place and most people are able to go from there. That's what I did when my very LDS siblings and spouses came to visit a couple of years ago, that's what I did when my non-active brother and his family came to visit and that is what I do with my family and frankly, Jeff's family when we attend family events and such.

Since that's what has worked in the past, that's what will be my plan, I just need to keep this in the back of my mind and move forward:

I trust it will be a positive experience--if, for some obscure reason it turns out to not be positive, then I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it but for now, I'll just remember to breathe, breathe, breathe!!

Things that keep me awake at night...

It has been a while since I've written.

I doubt that it is because of lack of things to talk about. Since the last time I wrote on here Utah and several other states have jumped head on the Marriage Equality fray and depending on who you talk to the cause will either prevail or fail; many people have become accidental activists because of this, can't wait to see how it all unravels.

Work has been insane to say the least, but keeps me on my toes, thankfully. Things on the home front are okay, we've taken on the stance that this year will be the year to travel a little, so far we've taken a long weekend to Vegas and more possible adventures to come...

My daughter requested a few months ago to cut back on our weekly visits which I initially struggled but have since realized that our visits now have become more about quality than the quantity. Still as a parent I often times feel ill-equipped to handle the curb-balls that parenting throws at me. When I lived with my children full time I felt I had a good handle on their lives, their needs and I could be there to help them with anything. Since the separation/divorce years ago that has stopped. I've had to learned to let go of many things, sometimes guilt sets in (sometimes others love to impose it on me--but that's a whole other story....).

Still--there are times when I look at my children and I see well-adjusted people muddling through life like everyone else and then I see things like this, often times posted at 2 or 3 in the morning by my 19yr old son:

Immediately followed by panic, what can I do, how can I comfort him, make his life better, what drove him to write that? Guilt, rationalization, processing... In the end I conclude he knows he can ask for my help if he really needs it; after all--what were my own thoughts when I was his age? The difference is I didn't have social media to sort through my vague thoughts...such is life.

I suppose in the order of probabilities the things that keep me awake at night are minor--they could always be worse, and I realize they are for others. I'm extremely lucky in many senses and the small moments of wavering confidence come and go...just had to get that out today, but I guess I have to ask:

What keeps you awake at night?

I Want My Dad to Finally Come Out

I read this link today from the Advocate:

http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/09/20/op-ed-i-want-my-dad-finally-come-out

My heart broke in many pieces reading the writings of this gay man's child.

I saw myself and yes, even the pain of my ex and kids in many of the paragraphs, the pain that is felt between the lines. Quite honestly when my ex-wife told me that I was not only hurting her (I had known that for a long time) but that the kids were also being hurt with all of the mess we were causing I couldn't handle it anymore and decided it was time to come out---in many ways even at the price paid, things never got as bad as the article.

Often times as parents we think we're protecting others from pain and misery, but in reality I think I was trying to protect myself. I can't say it was easy, I can't say it wasn't painful--there have been few if anything more painful than separating, not being able to tuck my kids in bed every night and be there for their waking up time, but after many years I can say it has been worth it.

Any Moho (and non) contemplating marrying a woman for the sake of family, society, church or themselves ought to read this and consider where will their life be down the road.

Word....

Being Here But Not Here

I’ve heard this reference a couple of times in the last week or so which made me think of how many times I may be there in body, but not particularly there in mind. When I’m aware of what’s happening, sometimes my brain races looking for reasons that sent me to be in that state of mind and then I think, is it just me?

Is it my fault or is it technology’s fault?

I find it interesting that it used to be that in order to get news a person had to read the morning paper or stay up until late evening hours. Nowadays information is readily at my fingertips if I just want to search; then again there’s the option of getting blasted with texts, emails, alerts about things may happen all around me, perhaps even in my neighborhood, city, state, country or the other side of the world, is all of that too distracting for me to stay focused in the here and now at a given time?

Seems humans to yearn for connection while wanting to have all the conveniences of a modern world. I can call relatives on the other side of the country, check my bank account balance, purchase movie tickets on my phone all at the same time while possibly ignoring the person who met me at the movie theater to spend some time doing something fun. See the irony there? I consider myself to be a social & extrovert, and good at multitasking, but it may just be a cop out for bad behavior...

I seem to have no problem connecting with someone on another continent and share experiences, personal feelings down to intimate details yet I don’t know my own neighbors. I sit at work with open cubicles, navigate daily life on trains and city walks with my headphones on because, well--I don’t want to offend people with the music or podcasts I listen to, but is it really a ploy keep others away? Have I have turned my life into headphone city? When did that happen and why?

There are events, parties, social occasions to meet others face to face and interact with fellow human beings and yet it isn’t uncommon for two or three (or many) of us to whip out our mobile devices to text someone who is not there, chat with so and so 1 mile away or stay ‘in touch’ with a virtual world while the real world passes us by but hey, as long as everyone else is doing it it is okay for me to do it right? Isn’t that an interesting phenomenon? I’ve seen two people sitting in a restaurant across from each other (as in a possible dinner date?) and place their phones right by their silverware--is it because our virtual lives are THAT important? Some people some people might call it the 21st. Century--some might just call it right down disrespectful and rude,

Sure I live in what is turning to be a global community. I connect with people, information, science, sports, world events, politics, entertainment in many forms of  media, but I’m realizing that all of that noise may be keeping me away from real life itself. Is that a new level of social awareness? Is it healthy? For additional illustration purposes I tried expressed my thoughts in first person--hard exercise, and not just because how hard it is to own up to my own issues--but if any change may be needed it needs to start with me.

Any opinions/thoughts?

Can I have you ignore the real person in front of you, next to you or around you so you can address my virtual, random ponderings? :-)

How do I undo what’s been done?

Sorry this is long...

Background:  more than a few years ago when I first came out to my mother (I was still married, trying to make sense of what it all meant, how it affected me, my now ex-wife and children) mom came to see me from Texas at my request. I wasn’t sure how I needed her at the time, but asking her to “be there” was all I could think of. That request turned nightmarish, she projected the entire experience onto herself—she always loved making things about herself—and in true fashion before heading home and in a ditch effort to ‘rope me back in’ told me to leave everything, my wife/children and fully return to the LDS church, an ultimatum of sorts. 

I reacted the only way I could at the moment--that she had no right to ask me to do anything,  that she was a dangerous person, she always made things about her, manipulated people into doing what she wanted using whatever means and ways she could (there’s stories I don’t even want to write about). I told her I didn’t want her anywhere near my family, I wanted no contact until I felt it was safe for me to do that. It took a few months for me to feel comfortable talking to her again, slowly and very much at a distance. Additionally my ex and mom never really found any common ground, not having to deal with each other was/is probably 85% of my problems being solved so I don’t think my ex-wife really has many courteous things to say about my mom.

Coming out fully a few years ago, I explained to my mother that I wasn’t seeking any kind of approval or permission. While our relationship has sort of improved at a respectable level, I never supported any kind of reconnection with my two kids, in my mind I kept seeing her manipulative ways with some of my nephews and nieces so in sort of a selfish way, I protected them from her—I don’t know if cancer has made her reflect on a lot of things—maybe because I don’t see her every day, but she seems to have calmed her ways—perhaps not and it just seems like it to me. 

Recently my sister made mom a Facebook profile and requested to have my kids added as friends of hers. My kids’ reaction to that initially was “mmmh, not now” which I think is fair. I saw some of my son’s postings about it, he feels she has not made an effort to make contact, get to know them; she’s apparently kept in some kind of contact with the other grandchildren. Yes they’re resentful, but a big part of it was my doing—and I admit it is my fault—I don’t know that their relationship would have gone sour or improved had I not explicitly asked her not to contact them. She is not even on Facebook that much that I can tell, but I honestly don’t know what kinds of things reconnecting them would cause, positive/negative ones? She does ask me about the kids on our phone conversations and I talk in generalities to both.

Gaaaaah, this has gone too long already--if you're still reading: I’m a little torn, but I’m willing to accept my share of blame in causing much of this, I just don’t know if it is now too late to fix it. She is 71 so it isn’t like we have all the time in the world to see what happens in the future. It’s a mix of guilt and wanting to get this resolved ASAP. Maybe I’ll talk to the kids, do some explanations and see what evolves from that—the thought has been in my head for a few weeks. What if anything can be done at this point? Is it my job to intercede, explain, resolve? Do I drag the kids to Texas in person? Do I leave it alone? So much I don’t even know where to begin.... thoughts anyone?

Equality Signs go Viral

Unless you live in a remote village in the Congo or the Amazon with no news outlets you've seen this sign all over the place. It all started sometime Monday evening, I saw a few people change their Facebook profiles to this and I thought to myself: "great--here we go again, everyone will fall for it and change their profile picture" By the time Tuesday morning rolled around my feed was virtually a sea of red. Part of my reluctance in not changing my profile picture was that I did not want to offend anyone so I still waited but around 7:00 am I could not hold it anymore and pretty much told myself "F*@%-it" and jumped on the bandwagon.

Several of my gay friends liked the new picture--no brainer there, but most impressive was to see several of my "hetero" friends and a couple of family members who are very much allies in gay causes change their own profile pictures the same--several times during the day I chocked up tears of joy--it was electrifying to see more and more people change their pictures to red or some kind of version of it and voicing their support and cheers for us homos...

**I know several of my LDS and/or conservative friends and family are supportive, no question there, but oddly enough most were awkwardly silent all this time--I understand what it feels like to be afraid of what others will think, that people will interpret their 'likes' or even semi-friendly comments the wrong way--I get it. I would like to think that they were silently cheering for gay people in general but most important, thinking of my partner and I--instead of silently disagreeing or hating; and at the end of the day--have to admit that it is kind of hard not to take it personally-

"Sometimes actions 

Speak Louder 

than words"

-heck even an outward disagreement but in good respect would have probably been welcome--oh well, such is life and it is what it is; I'd like to think that I should just leave alone but how? I'll have to think more about this issue eventually, but for now I can not and will not let it bother me.

Of course anything that becomes viral has the chance of getting out of hand--the following pictures have the potential to go either way, so just for pure amusement and delight:

How about some equality bacon?

How about companies jumping on the Marketing fray? A local hotel that is likely grabbing lots of customers now!

Dogs will never discriminate against you--ha!!

In all seriousness:

This movement is happening--now or people will keep fighting for it to happen later. There's no going back. I know there are those who don't agree or don't understand and they may mask it all under the banner of:

"I love my gay friends/relatives

even if I disagree with 

their lifestyle" 

If you think this way, please, get off your high horse!! 

The way I see this whole issue is more about breaking barriers of misunderstanding if we just give people who are 'not like us' a chance. We live in a global society, rich in diversity, beliefs and customs that can enhance each others lives immensely. What we each believe in is irrelevant--it has more to do with how we treat each other because whether we live next door or 2000 miles away we're all connected and it affects our lives directly. In this day and age it is unfathomable to think that gay marriage would affect anyone negatively. There has been gay marriage in countries of Europe, Canada, Argentina, South Africa and even Mexico that have not affected morals, religions or society--for heaven's sake, why is the United States behind the times?

Gay marriage is not out to destroy anyone's marriage, the only gay agenda that exists is to get the same rights and privileges that a marriage contract brings which apparently go way beyond 1000--some of the are the right to be in the hospital with my partner if he/I get sick, right to inheritance, right to make life decisions, file taxes and have access to each others retirements without having to jump through hurdles that legal contracts now have-there are lots of laws that affect this and that's all.

I don't necessarily wish to marry my partner in a religious ceremony--and especially not in a church that is not affirming. I don't want to demand a LDS temple marriage, that is not the focus of this movement at all and anyone who thinks the contrary is out on left field--gay marriage doesn't put anyone's morals, values in question, but those who fight against it are showing their true colors--just think a little bit about that!

Feel free to share this with anyone you see fit--let's get the word out:

--it is time...

it really is time!!

Dinner Parties or Friendly Dinners?

The idea started a few months ago after we hosted a birthday party in October, we had a huge turnout and honestly, our apartment was too small and crowded to feel comfortable. We realized that the layout of our place is not good for big gatherings so being social creatures we talked about what would be a possible good alternative.

I remember my parent’s house being a gathering place for family and friends and once I moved out on my own, before I was married my little apartment became the place to go to after church, make a batch of whatever we were eating and share with about 5-6 friends. Once I got married I tried to keep this going but busy lives for us and my friends-and our/their wives just got in the way---see what I did there? he, he--they mainly didn't get along with each other so what was the point?...um; probably best to just leave that one alone. Also while growing up my parents had us kids set the table-it wasn’t anything more than get out the place mats, plates, utensils and drinking cups but it still had the feeling of a formal time to sit and eat together. I’ve gone back and do all those things when the kids come over to eat dinner on Wednesdays or Sundays as much as possible—I don’t know why I lost that and at what point eating with paper plates, and disposable cups became the norm—funny how some things happen in life.

Um...sorry about the tangent!

Back to the issue--Jeff and I decided that we would host smaller dinners with fewer people to get more of the intimate feeling and still be able to have a good time with others once in a while. So we’ve been inviting people over for dinner—at first it was once a week but then it became too much of a production and it seems to work best if we do it once every couple of weeks—typically a Monday night or adjust as needed based on schedules; but we go all out with the good plates, the good wine glasses, fabric napkins, napkin rings, full utensil set up the whole nine yards, what's the use of having fancy dishes if they never get used?—and I LOVE IT!

The best part is that we are able to reconnect with people from different points of life, singles, couples, we had Jeff’s ex-partner; we've also invited the first friend I ever admitted being gay to, new friends and old friends—It is fun to come up with “who are we inviting over next?” and figure out all the details. People are super-nice, we get to know them a little better and have a good meal, dessert, and wine or whatever drinks to share and good conversation. Most important we are back to what both of us enjoy doing, being social and hosting people at the house.

We’ve talked about branching out and consider inviting people we would normally not have over; maybe a married couple from my old days at church, or a couple of people from our Zumba class, a straight couple and yes, even some relatives without making it an official family function--in short invite people and yes, possibly even someone that would very much put us out of our comfort zone (sounds silly in my head, I know but we need to add all of these people to our list). 

I've loved bringing this part of myself back--I really do like doing it. So if you read this and have not been invited yet, or if you’ll be in Salt Lake City soon and have an evening to spare and some flexibility let me know, we would love to have you over and as the old saying goes:  “break bread", share some wine-or whatever your drink of choice is-have good conversation and laugh ourselves silly--really, do it!