The Time I almost Went to my Mormon Mission Reunion

A couple of weeks ago I received 3 messages from people: "Hey, the mission president wants to have a reunion, why don't you come?" or some variation of that. 

I joked with 1 of the messengers:

Me: "Sure, can I bring the husband along?" 

Messenger: "I don't see why not"

Me: "You're right--I don't see why not--I'll plan on it"

I then informed the husband what the plan was and he was fully on board joining me. My thoughts at the time were that it has been a long, long time since I'd seen anyone from the mission and surely 30+ years later, I don't know how much longer the president/wife will be around and I honestly did think how little things like me not being an active Mormon (or a member at all), being totally out and having a husband would not be a big deal, right?

Right?

I am out on social media--those that are friends with me from the mission days know, I don't hide anything and while we don't really talk about it and I had decided when I came out that I wasn't going to live different lives. Aside from maybe Pride and National Coming out Day I honestly don't spend lots of time flaunting rainbow flags, etc. Being gay is just a part of who I am just as much as being a former missionary, a dad, a worker, a human etc.

 I didn't think much more of it until the morning of the reunion when I felt cold feet. I messaged a few friends to ask their opinion. Most of their opinions were why would I bother going to a place where I haven't seen anyone i n years, have nothing in common and put myself in a place where I might incur the judgement and wrath of someone who might be self-righteous? 

Let alone in the middle of a pandemic.  

I'll admit to having at least morbid curiosity about attending.

Only one friend was of the opinion that it was a good idea and that a gay couple in the middle of all those Mormons would be a good thing.  

By noon, I made the decision not to go--I think the cons outweighed the pros and I basically chickened out. I saw some pictures the next day, but part of me wished I had gone. 

I can't figure out what gave me the feeling that I missed out (while logically this all makes no sense!).

Do I still want to be liked and get approval from people that mean nothing to me?  

I don't know how others feel, but after all is said and done, I don't regret having gone on a mission--I honestly didn't have anything better to do with my life at the time. It was a huge influence in my life, for future life decisions and unlike others, I don't feel like many that it was the BEST TWO YEARS--nah, but it also wasn't the worst two years either. 

On the other hand, I don't feel the need to relive the glory days of being 20 and thinking I knew everything there was to know about life, religion and spirituality--(as if!). I did talk to someone that reassured me that there was self-righteous talk, after all--it is a Mormon mission reunion--duh!

I don't even know why I felt the need to write about it, so here I am.

If anyone reads this, in my situation--what would you have done?

Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

Up to a few years ago--I'm going to say 5 years I was NOT a fan of Christmas.

I won't talk about the details of how I came to hate the holidays but when someone right about September of every year would bring up drawing names for Secret Santa and how much money was expected to be spent--the rest of the time up to the day was one big anxiety attack. I recall literally going into a dark place when I would hear

I'm dreaming, of a White Christmas...

..and have literal body convulsions. It wasn't the most wonderful time of the year, it wasn't a season of love, it was everything but--I didn't want to be part of it. I used to fall for the tear-jerker movies like The Family Stone, Love Actually and others because they could make me cry and release some of that hate for the season. I actually enjoyed being called a Scrooge, a Grinch--yeah I owned that and the last thing I ever wanted to hear was a Christmas carol--none of that!!!

Move forward a couple of years after coming out, divorcing and being only in charge of my own and my kid's Christmas--money was sooooooo tight, every extra penny was spent on what to get the kids, every bit of extra credit on my card was carefully spent on something they would love--not the best of times but much, much better times--I had a much narrower purpose and I could handle that.

With time I started feeling better about the holidays--gift exchanges, showing up to events, festivals and lights were much better on my soul--but there was a piece of me that I couldn't shake off: Christmas Carols--I still had the same retching sensation when I'd  hear the first one of the season. I wanted to be home for Christmas, I wanted the Snow and Mistletoe and presents on the tree... I didn't want to have a Blue Christmas and oh lord--don't even throw Christmas shoes into that mix--I was trying to re-build my life with a new love, a new life, give it meaning but those songs and themes made me sad--really sad and bring me to tears--sometimes ugly, snot-bubble, open wailing cries...

In spite of having a new-great life I was still having Hard Candy Christmases...

Then one day I thought, what is this home I want to go home to? What is this Blue Christmas I want to propagate? What in the world is there to be sad about? I have a great partner, great children who love me, a place to live, great family, great friends, a good life--what is this melancholy about? I had to have an attitude adjustment and instead of focusing on the sad stuff I started having better thoughts and enjoying the great songs and themes:

All I want for Christmas, is you!!

I can now sing along without getting depressed, I can now feel good to hark the harold Angel's sing, I can laugh along with Rudolph The Rednose Reindeer, Sleighbell, Jingle Bells and others-- I can even make it through

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas---

...and not lose it--unless I'm watching Meet Me In St. Louis--then I lose it completely--but if it is just on the radio I can do it--I'm proud of where I am now and the progress I've made. This post has got long (as usual).

How do you handle Christmas?

Life is Short...

 It's been a couple rough months in our household...

Not because of finances or internal issues--rather because in that time frame we've lost 2 people that were close parts of our lives. There's a lot to be said for having a family of one's choosing, even if your blood family dynamic is good, there are those close to you that mean the same and sometimes even more than if they were related to you.

Through the last few years we've managed to create such a circle, the ones that you invite to each other's homes for dinner, birthdays and events, the ones that you've grown close to, have seen new love and relationships grow, children grow, things happen and the people that you know will be there for you for the good times but more important, when life doesn't go according to the script in our heads.

The first loss it was the husband of one of our dear friend's. Not that it makes any loss less catastrophic, but we had known for a while that Mark was ill and his health had been deteriorating slowly (or too fast, depending on who you ask).  Their time together was cut too short after it had seemed that the life we all dreamed of had finally materialized.

It was rough to watch our dear friend Joseph lose his love, go through the motions of taking care of arrangements, talking to people, doing what needed to be done. Sometimes words don't do anything to help the pain. All you can do is hope to be there when/if your loved one needs you. I had been holding things in and at the end of Mark's beautiful memorial service I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably in a friend's arms--the sadness was just too much.

Not that there was any time to recover & start healing from losing Mark, a little over a week ago we got word to run up to the hospital, another close friend, Kurt and his fiance had been in a car accident and Kurt didn't make it. There was so much going on for them, they had just bought a house, they were planning a wedding. We probably spent 2-3 days in shock, trying to comfort Kurt's fiance but also trying to comfort each other. Nothing prepares you for such a thing. We met with Kurt's mother and siblings in the middle of last week and that may have been the start of some healing, but sitting in a memorial service again brought lots of emotions.

It is true the funerals are for the living--in the end, you celebrate the lives that have touched you, hang on to the good times and memories--again this is very important--hope to be able to be there for their loved ones and tell your heart to hurt, be angry, resign itself and finally learn to live with the hole left by the departure of those you love. I think the most important thing I can say is that the last time I spoke to the two people mentioned there was no question of the love/care felt for them.


I learned a lot from Mark and Kurt--very different situations but both lived full lives, the kind of lives that you have no regrets, the kind that while you know there was so much left undone, there were few things left crossed off the checklist of things that make you truly happy because of their relationships and they way they found love, enjoyed whatever time was available and at the end of the day you lived it to the fullest. 

 The biggest lesson learned from all this for me:

Yes, why the heck not?

Goodness--where have I been?

Time flies...

It is not that I don't have enough things to say on a blog, in fact I have several drafts on thoughts that I've started, saved and think that I'll come back to finish some other time and then I don't...

I do check my page a few times a week and that's where I usually catch up with the blogs I follow or the good ol' Moho Directory.

Life is just busy, not the best explanation but probably the best reason...

I guess it goes to show for those that wander where will the deplorable path of the gay agenda that people warn you about--if you ever want to follow it:

Get up
Get ready for work (being awake is debatable)
Get to work and put in a full day
Come home
Make dinner
Clean up dinner
Go take a class if there's one going on (guitar, cooking, there's lots of that)
Catch up on the DVR if there's time

Sometimes you're lucky enough to have friends over for dinner so entertaining is a must and a very re-charging activity

Sometimes you're lucky enough to get invited to a friend's place for dinner and be entertained--works both ways and that's great when it happens.

On weekends:
Catch up on chores and cleaning, laundry, etc, etc (blah!)
Catch up with family activities
Check in on parents
Get to work on whatever project is going on at the time.
Clear out the mail basket, pay bills, plan for the week.

Lather--rinse--repeat...

A couple times a year:
You get lucky enough to get away for a week somewhere maybe fly out or drive off for a long weekend.
Explore the place (oddly enough be dead tired by 9pm and crash).
Get out of the normal grind.

Somewhere in between life happens, friends and family call/text, you check in on a loved one who is sick, you watch a new relationship bloom, another relationship end, babies born, babies grow, people grow, some get sick and some of them die...

YEP gays are causing all kinds of horror and distress on the world --personally I am not certain where I could find the time and energy for it--I might just be too exhausted. 

I have no time or energy to rack up my brains about what was said at the last LDS general conference, or what apostle or public relations media release says about me, my husband, our lives--I'd rather spend my time/energy on other stuff (I still see the stuff, I live in the middle of it--just choose not to let take a prominent place in my life).

I have made a conscious decision not to get too political on social media--what I may have to say will not change or help sway anyone's mind--so what's the point?


And that--is the story of my life...

Where have I been? 
Probably trying to live it...
Enjoy the sunset...
Enjoy a flock of birds fly by...

Funny how some things seem to be more significant as time flies (read get old)....

What's the point of this post?

Oh yeah--I'm still around

Whirlwind of events and emotions...

I had the fortune to spend two weeks out of the last month traveling with my children--in an ideal world I would have taken them both and my partner together on all the trips; however, situations were such that I was only able to go with one kid at a time--but that also made for some really needed 1-1 time with each of them--Jeff was very supportive of me doing this so I was glad he understood the circumstances and how it all evolved.


The first round was traveling with my 15yr old daughter for a trip I had promised her in lieu of not being able to celebrate her Quinceañera (Latin version of a sweet sixteen) and it was our way to celebrate. I was hoping to be able to have time to talk to her about some things that we never had a chance to do during the separation/divorce, things from my point of view, when I had been told not to discuss 'my gay life' with her, things about her life, her point of view on many things and get a general feeling of where she is/was. Let's just say  that being stuck in airplanes for a long time sure helped--we had many heart-to-heart discussions, no limits on topics, no judgements.

She blew me away on her views on the world, my life, her life and how it all sort of fits together in her mind. Things that I had been worried about her that are really not issues and realized that there are things she does worry about that I had not considered. She also amazed me at what a good navigator she is--she did screen shots of places we were going to and was able to pull them up on her phone to get to places she wanted to visit--of course I'm biased--but I'm so proud of her level of maturity and how she is facing the world and how she sees life, she makes me a proud papa.

Fast-forward to the last week of July. My son asked me to come along with him on a trip--his original plans sort of fell through so he asked if I could go and I was more than happy to step in and being able to pull it off. We spent a few days trekking around, went to a sporting event he really wanted to see for a long time and just wandered. I had had many conversations with him in the past so this situation was different but we still managed to have a lot of good talks, reassure where our relationship is as a father/son and how it is evolving now that he is learning to be an adult.

He also did his homework, figuring out how we could get around, costs, times, etc--he put a lot of effort into this trip and as usual he is very easy going, just ready to take on the next place, walk for blocks, ride subways, etc & keep things flowing without a specific schedule and just enjoy the time. Sure, I'll be paying for all of this in due time, but then I read this and makes perfect sense in my head:

We certainly made a lot of good memories, and I hope to be able to make a lot more in the future, whether in similar format or whatever we are able to do. The saddest parts for me were to say goodbye to them at the airport once they were heading back to their home--it never gets easy whether it is dropping them off at their mom's house or an airplane, a parent's heart hurts just the same, I did my best to hide the tears and broke down once I didn't have them in front of me, but life goes on and so must I...

This year sure has been one to make up a lot of the past years I have not been able to travel. I had forgotten how much fun it is, but I also confess that it gets tiring, the allure of getting on an airplane does get old after a while but again, it is a small price to pay for the good times...

Transitions...whoever gets used to change?

It's been a while since I posted. Last time I did I was heading home so my partner could meet my parents and other relatives. The visit went swimmingly (as expected). When we returned from Texas we shortly headed out to Cancun for about 8 days, some of it part of a work conference for Jeff and part to explore Mayan ruins and have some beach time--it was awesome!

After the return (early May) life has been in constant change/transition. We moved, my kids are moving out of the state with their mother, my partner's father passed away; there's definitely been some changes in our lives and we've really not had a lot of time to sit and think about them.

Most of these things didn't dawn on me until someone brought it up--granted, I'm used to living in some or other form of chaos at a given time and it while it never is fun, it really sends me into auto pilot than anything else and at some point things just explode--I don't know-- I was just chalking things up to "wow--things are moving fast" but not giving much thought to the impact that each and every one of these changes have or may have. The moving part is alright, it is seemingly okay, as we move into routines it will just get better with time. The part about Jeff's dad--while sad did put his family into an unexpected mode, having to deal with preparations of the funeral, family, etc, etc and having to deal with grief all of the sudden. All I can do is be there for my partner and his family in as much as I'm able to be there for them and offer my support. I can handle that as well.

The part of my children moving away is a little trickier. My ex had mentioned the moving away part a few years ago so this isn't quite a surprise, but each summer I would just figure it may not happen again, but this time she sold her house and made all arrangements to move. Granted, my kids don't spend a lot of time with me now. My daughter is 15--what kid wants to be close to a parent that much right?!?! Yet she knows I have her back, anytime she calls/texts I'm there for her--I've made a point to show this and come through and even with the distance, I'm not planning to change that. My son is already 20, I don't have a lot of say in his decision to move but he is looking forward to new beginnings. I've been in his shoes so I don't blame him for wanting to seek out a place for himself in the world.

People have asked me how I feel about this whole thing. I really don't have much of a say (although I've already said I wish they weren't moving--like it mattered!!) but the more I think about it, the harder time I'm having dealing with my kids going away. It is one thing to have them living in the next neighborhood, then I moved 20 minutes away, now they're moving a whole state away....there's plans for us to still do things together, me and them 1-1 still--so that might just have to become the new normal....it will be alright--just one more thing to adjust in life...maybe life itself gets easier to handle, it maybe more about me dealing with life changes and curves that has become the standard...just some food for thought.

Things that keep me awake at night...

It has been a while since I've written.

I doubt that it is because of lack of things to talk about. Since the last time I wrote on here Utah and several other states have jumped head on the Marriage Equality fray and depending on who you talk to the cause will either prevail or fail; many people have become accidental activists because of this, can't wait to see how it all unravels.

Work has been insane to say the least, but keeps me on my toes, thankfully. Things on the home front are okay, we've taken on the stance that this year will be the year to travel a little, so far we've taken a long weekend to Vegas and more possible adventures to come...

My daughter requested a few months ago to cut back on our weekly visits which I initially struggled but have since realized that our visits now have become more about quality than the quantity. Still as a parent I often times feel ill-equipped to handle the curb-balls that parenting throws at me. When I lived with my children full time I felt I had a good handle on their lives, their needs and I could be there to help them with anything. Since the separation/divorce years ago that has stopped. I've had to learned to let go of many things, sometimes guilt sets in (sometimes others love to impose it on me--but that's a whole other story....).

Still--there are times when I look at my children and I see well-adjusted people muddling through life like everyone else and then I see things like this, often times posted at 2 or 3 in the morning by my 19yr old son:

Immediately followed by panic, what can I do, how can I comfort him, make his life better, what drove him to write that? Guilt, rationalization, processing... In the end I conclude he knows he can ask for my help if he really needs it; after all--what were my own thoughts when I was his age? The difference is I didn't have social media to sort through my vague thoughts...such is life.

I suppose in the order of probabilities the things that keep me awake at night are minor--they could always be worse, and I realize they are for others. I'm extremely lucky in many senses and the small moments of wavering confidence come and go...just had to get that out today, but I guess I have to ask:

What keeps you awake at night?

I Want My Dad to Finally Come Out

I read this link today from the Advocate:

http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/09/20/op-ed-i-want-my-dad-finally-come-out

My heart broke in many pieces reading the writings of this gay man's child.

I saw myself and yes, even the pain of my ex and kids in many of the paragraphs, the pain that is felt between the lines. Quite honestly when my ex-wife told me that I was not only hurting her (I had known that for a long time) but that the kids were also being hurt with all of the mess we were causing I couldn't handle it anymore and decided it was time to come out---in many ways even at the price paid, things never got as bad as the article.

Often times as parents we think we're protecting others from pain and misery, but in reality I think I was trying to protect myself. I can't say it was easy, I can't say it wasn't painful--there have been few if anything more painful than separating, not being able to tuck my kids in bed every night and be there for their waking up time, but after many years I can say it has been worth it.

Any Moho (and non) contemplating marrying a woman for the sake of family, society, church or themselves ought to read this and consider where will their life be down the road.

Word....

Being Here But Not Here

I’ve heard this reference a couple of times in the last week or so which made me think of how many times I may be there in body, but not particularly there in mind. When I’m aware of what’s happening, sometimes my brain races looking for reasons that sent me to be in that state of mind and then I think, is it just me?

Is it my fault or is it technology’s fault?

I find it interesting that it used to be that in order to get news a person had to read the morning paper or stay up until late evening hours. Nowadays information is readily at my fingertips if I just want to search; then again there’s the option of getting blasted with texts, emails, alerts about things may happen all around me, perhaps even in my neighborhood, city, state, country or the other side of the world, is all of that too distracting for me to stay focused in the here and now at a given time?

Seems humans to yearn for connection while wanting to have all the conveniences of a modern world. I can call relatives on the other side of the country, check my bank account balance, purchase movie tickets on my phone all at the same time while possibly ignoring the person who met me at the movie theater to spend some time doing something fun. See the irony there? I consider myself to be a social & extrovert, and good at multitasking, but it may just be a cop out for bad behavior...

I seem to have no problem connecting with someone on another continent and share experiences, personal feelings down to intimate details yet I don’t know my own neighbors. I sit at work with open cubicles, navigate daily life on trains and city walks with my headphones on because, well--I don’t want to offend people with the music or podcasts I listen to, but is it really a ploy keep others away? Have I have turned my life into headphone city? When did that happen and why?

There are events, parties, social occasions to meet others face to face and interact with fellow human beings and yet it isn’t uncommon for two or three (or many) of us to whip out our mobile devices to text someone who is not there, chat with so and so 1 mile away or stay ‘in touch’ with a virtual world while the real world passes us by but hey, as long as everyone else is doing it it is okay for me to do it right? Isn’t that an interesting phenomenon? I’ve seen two people sitting in a restaurant across from each other (as in a possible dinner date?) and place their phones right by their silverware--is it because our virtual lives are THAT important? Some people some people might call it the 21st. Century--some might just call it right down disrespectful and rude,

Sure I live in what is turning to be a global community. I connect with people, information, science, sports, world events, politics, entertainment in many forms of  media, but I’m realizing that all of that noise may be keeping me away from real life itself. Is that a new level of social awareness? Is it healthy? For additional illustration purposes I tried expressed my thoughts in first person--hard exercise, and not just because how hard it is to own up to my own issues--but if any change may be needed it needs to start with me.

Any opinions/thoughts?

Can I have you ignore the real person in front of you, next to you or around you so you can address my virtual, random ponderings? :-)

What a week it has been!!

 

Last week was a whirlwind of activity. After it was announced on Tuesday that the Supreme Court was going to roll out all of their rulings on Wednesday things got crazy on social media. I could hardly sleep on Tuesday night and kept refreshing my web browsers for a while trying to make sense of it all. 

So in short (at least as far as my brain understands): DOMA is down, at least parts of it. Still kind of unclear if some or any of the federal benefits that are awarded to marriages translate to a couple living in a state where same-sex marriage is not recognized--some days it really depends on who is talking about it. Proposition 8 is dead and California gay marriages  are back and happening. 

Now comes another part of this. How do we make Equality Marriage possible in all 50 states. I keep thinking that it may actually be up to the courts--forget referendums, forget elections-if California's constitution can be challenged as to what defines a marriage, the same can certainly happen in the rest of the states that have done the same.One of my relatives went as far as to tell me on Facebook that Utah may not be the place for me to live. I think that's bunk--instead of running off somewhere else I want to stay here and fight for it in as much as I can, it is hard to tell exactly how right now, but that's what I believe.

I posted the following link with my own commentary:

"We have to work hard and make this happen. 

Yes, I could go and live/work to any other state that currently allows Marriage Equality but I am not going anywhere Utah...

I'm going to do what I can so that younger generations of kids and people

 (of any religion or cultural origin),

 are not afraid to come out and be themselves. 

If it takes 5 years, 10 years--however long it takes, bring it on!"

Marriage Equality in Utah Within 5 Years

So here we go, what can we do? Who can I talk to? How is it going to happen? Those are just some of my thoughts. I know I can't do it all alone, but I can certainly try to contribute in my own way. So I say get out the boxing gloves, learn about activism and hang on for a wild ride, it's going to be interesting!

Get Your Pride On!!!

 

Pride is here. It is a good time to celebrate--a few years ago I never imagined that I would get to celebrate, let alone participate in any kind of Pride events. Thank heavens that has changed. I posted a link to Seth Anderson's blog on my Facebook wall as a means to get some attention and possibly conversation going, it hope it helps a little--I did get someone at Zumba ask me about it and from the comments, it appears that their impression of Pride are still the debauchery, sinful and sex-driven attitudes--I get it, I used to think the same way so I don't blame them, but I also asked them to give things a chance and see for themselves--we'll see...

I was also talking to someone online who is getting his own wings at being gay and he asked me about what things I thought were important for coming out. I don't know if the things I said meant much to him, or others--those of us who have been out a week, a month, a year or a decade--but today this means a lot to me-but I told him some of the following as one of the things to remember in the process of coming out:

In this day and age, people have a wonderful world and global community at their disposal. Being gay isn't the taboo that it was 30, 20, and even 10 years ago. There are gay people on TV, government, movies, sports, media. More US states have passed gay marriage in the last six months and we are even waiting for decisions to come from the US Supreme Court.

However, it certainly hasn't always been that way and lots of people in all walks of life have fought, lobbied, suffered and have even died (Milk, Stewart and others-- some of whom we might only read obscure references in daily obituaries, or might even mention a partner in an awkward way) have all paved the way and allowed that for us--we need to celebrate them and we need to honor them equally.

Maybe it is just my point of view--but we are living in the best of times--or the worst of times, depending on the side of the fence one sits when it comes to gay issues. I see it as a good thing, if being vocal helps people be aware of the good things that being true to themselves at any of the L-G-B-T-Q (or as someone said: "Whatever") labels or conditions attached to their identity and if it helps someone gain better understanding and awareness (and why not, even gain respect) then it is a very good thing.

So get your rainbow on, celebrate, make good of this great time and just

BE PROUD!!!

No Place At The Table...

 Yesterday afternoon I was riding trax (the lightrail system in Salt Lake City) home and at a certain station, a bunch of missionaries heading out to their assignment got on the train dragging big suitcases. Turns out that instead of being bussed from Provo to the airport, they're pretty much handed a train ticket and sent to catch their flight at the airport on their own--interesting change.

Anyway, once they managed to get in and set their stuff down a couple of them sat nearby and a conversation started almost immediately: where are you going--(these ones are assigned to Cambodia), where are you from, etc, etc, etc. One missionary asked me where I was from and after the normal formalities he asked if I attended church. I said that I don't; he asked if he could know why? I answered "I'm assuming if you're asking me why I don't attend the LDS church and I'll tell you it is because I'm gay and there's no place for me at the table..."

 

The look on his companion went from friendly to a little guarded to serious, but they both still kept the conversation going, it wasn't many stations before I got off the train, but the one chatty elder kept asking some follow up questions and my answer kept revolving around: "there's no room for me at the LDS table, I don't fit in as a gay individual, much less with a partner on your Plan of Salvation elder, think about it--how do I fit in when all the talk is about mom, dad, 3.2 kids and all happily ever after each Sunday in church?".

 

I don't think he was prepared to hear that, but he still managed to say, "God still loves you" and I think he was surprised to hear from me that I know that, I've felt God's love and care for me and that my life is good, I manage to live a full life, I contribute to society, I told them I realize that the LDS church is leaps and bounds from where it was even years ago when the only answer I could get to deal with my situation was to get married hoping to heal it, but lots more needed to be done and I told them: "when you two are apostles, please make it happen so I have a place at your table, until then, there's not a lot that interests me there" at which time they smiled, my stop came, I wished them well and got off the train.

 

I thought about my encounter for a while. Even a few years back I would have never dared tell a complete stranger, let alone a set of LDS missionaries that I am gay and feel as confident expressing myself as anything in life and I honestly don't feel the anxiety I used to feel before talking about it. To me that is a good thing and I've come a long ways; but the bottom line is that indeed there's no place for me at the LDS table--I know a lot of people try to find a place in their own terms perhaps, or based on whatever the church is willing to give them--not me, no thanks--I will NOT fight for a place where all I can hope to do is a figurative place as a server, a cleaner or licking the crumbs that fall on the floor (in the figurative sense again--I don't want church scraps).

 

It is what it is and I'm quite content with my life to beg for full recognition in a place where it doesn't exist, regardless of what people may want me to believe otherwise and well, I've made a life outside that is just as worthwhile without needing their validation--that is a huge thing for me. I know staying in the church helps a lot of people change it from within and hoping something will change sometime and that is great, but I find no use in it...it is what it is.

New Zealand's Maurice Williamson: 'Rainbow across my electorate'

Great speech by this New Zealand's member of Parliament. Lots of common sense words and feeling. It really makes other countries (hint, hint USA) look like they're still in the dark ages...

Equality Signs go Viral

Unless you live in a remote village in the Congo or the Amazon with no news outlets you've seen this sign all over the place. It all started sometime Monday evening, I saw a few people change their Facebook profiles to this and I thought to myself: "great--here we go again, everyone will fall for it and change their profile picture" By the time Tuesday morning rolled around my feed was virtually a sea of red. Part of my reluctance in not changing my profile picture was that I did not want to offend anyone so I still waited but around 7:00 am I could not hold it anymore and pretty much told myself "F*@%-it" and jumped on the bandwagon.

Several of my gay friends liked the new picture--no brainer there, but most impressive was to see several of my "hetero" friends and a couple of family members who are very much allies in gay causes change their own profile pictures the same--several times during the day I chocked up tears of joy--it was electrifying to see more and more people change their pictures to red or some kind of version of it and voicing their support and cheers for us homos...

**I know several of my LDS and/or conservative friends and family are supportive, no question there, but oddly enough most were awkwardly silent all this time--I understand what it feels like to be afraid of what others will think, that people will interpret their 'likes' or even semi-friendly comments the wrong way--I get it. I would like to think that they were silently cheering for gay people in general but most important, thinking of my partner and I--instead of silently disagreeing or hating; and at the end of the day--have to admit that it is kind of hard not to take it personally-

"Sometimes actions 

Speak Louder 

than words"

-heck even an outward disagreement but in good respect would have probably been welcome--oh well, such is life and it is what it is; I'd like to think that I should just leave alone but how? I'll have to think more about this issue eventually, but for now I can not and will not let it bother me.

Of course anything that becomes viral has the chance of getting out of hand--the following pictures have the potential to go either way, so just for pure amusement and delight:

How about some equality bacon?

How about companies jumping on the Marketing fray? A local hotel that is likely grabbing lots of customers now!

Dogs will never discriminate against you--ha!!

In all seriousness:

This movement is happening--now or people will keep fighting for it to happen later. There's no going back. I know there are those who don't agree or don't understand and they may mask it all under the banner of:

"I love my gay friends/relatives

even if I disagree with 

their lifestyle" 

If you think this way, please, get off your high horse!! 

The way I see this whole issue is more about breaking barriers of misunderstanding if we just give people who are 'not like us' a chance. We live in a global society, rich in diversity, beliefs and customs that can enhance each others lives immensely. What we each believe in is irrelevant--it has more to do with how we treat each other because whether we live next door or 2000 miles away we're all connected and it affects our lives directly. In this day and age it is unfathomable to think that gay marriage would affect anyone negatively. There has been gay marriage in countries of Europe, Canada, Argentina, South Africa and even Mexico that have not affected morals, religions or society--for heaven's sake, why is the United States behind the times?

Gay marriage is not out to destroy anyone's marriage, the only gay agenda that exists is to get the same rights and privileges that a marriage contract brings which apparently go way beyond 1000--some of the are the right to be in the hospital with my partner if he/I get sick, right to inheritance, right to make life decisions, file taxes and have access to each others retirements without having to jump through hurdles that legal contracts now have-there are lots of laws that affect this and that's all.

I don't necessarily wish to marry my partner in a religious ceremony--and especially not in a church that is not affirming. I don't want to demand a LDS temple marriage, that is not the focus of this movement at all and anyone who thinks the contrary is out on left field--gay marriage doesn't put anyone's morals, values in question, but those who fight against it are showing their true colors--just think a little bit about that!

Feel free to share this with anyone you see fit--let's get the word out:

--it is time...

it really is time!!

Downtown Escapades

Small shops on 300 South

Signs of Spring are finally showing--yay!!

It has been a particularly cold winter in Utah and while I've learned to deal with most of it, there comes a moment when it would really be nice to start feeling the warmth of the sun and the season that is starting to change. Since work moved me right smack to Downtown Salt Lake City, I've been taking little adventures on foot during lunch.

Interesting how some places show start contrasts between the new and the old!

I believe Salt Lake is a good walking city. Of course everyone is used to seeing mainly the most popular spots (Temple Square, State Capitol) and while they're beautiful in their own right, there are a lot of other quirky places that have lots of local charm, history and oddly enough plenty of diversity.

Entrance to the First Methodist Church in SLC

What is most interesting to me is the level of interesting stuff that I'm able to find while walking around town, rather than riding in a car--yes I know there's a difference but I really enjoy this and of course I get to take advantage of the physical exercise wandering around town. I set up an album on Facebook to keep track of these findings and while I do want to also take shots of the popular areas--I want to be able to find good places that just beg to be photographed.

Interesting Mural on a Wall

The Perks of Being Human...

 

I saw The Perks of Being a Wallflower last weekend. My daughter had told me it was pretty good and I happened to see it at Red Box so I decided to rent it. I think I have a new tear-jerker movie (you know, the kind that you pop in the VCR when you need a good cry--Steel Magnolias is in that category).

The story (without giving too much away) is of a teen-aged writer who is starting High School the anxiety of the social patterns of teenagers, his family dynamics and the friends that take him under his wing. I couldn't make it more than 10 minutes between scenes without crying...yeah I'm a sappy old man...

There are lots of things I wish I could go back and do-over in my life but High School and my teenage years is NOT one of them, I identified very much with the wallflower character, unsure of what was going on at any given time, not really even aware of my surroundings, not even knowing what made me tick and afraid of finding any of it out at the same time if that makes sense, not knowing which adults to trust--and trusting the ones with their own agenda who managed to ruin it for me.

Still, I do think it was a good movie, lots of things to reflect on and if nothing else just a good story. I probably give it 3.5 stars (like the good movie reviewer that I am!) There's one phrase that stuck with me from the movie that has given me a lot to think about:

"We all accept the love we think we deserve"

deep....

Lots of thoughts about living, learning, observing, exploring, hurting and a lot of other human emotions. Don't watch it without tissues, you will need them!

If you've seen it, what do you think?

Song on the Sand - From La Cage Aux Folles

I try not to be too sappy on Valentine's day--after all if I want to profess love to my partner it should be done any day and every day if I want to--no need to have a day to remind me, but I find it both funny and maybe ironic that a song from a musical takes me there and I got to learn that this show is the musical version of the movie The Birdcage which I really like.

Anyway...

While browsing around Facebook I saw a message from Carol Lynn Pearson where she talks about stories related to this video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYAHkm0t-mY

La Cage Aux Folles--the play was significant to Carol Lynn's husband who was dying of AIDS and wanted to see it--for the first time in theater it was the story of 2 guys in romantic love, something that even in the early 80's was not so open. In contrast she says that times are better, we can now be more open about our love, talk about it, show pictures and make it an open and public issue. Yes, times change, people's perceptions and even self-acceptance change.

Something about sharing...
Something about always...

okay, I'll stop the sappiness...

Still, long before knowing songs about love, I grew up knowing that Valentine's day was more than a day to celebrate romantic love:

In Spanish we say: Feliz Dia del Amor y la Amistad = Happy day of love and friendship and in my mind, love isn't only romantic, it should be shared in its many wonderful forms--that's just how it should be!

Adventures in Mass Transit

 

This is a story about how I messed what should have been a pleasant experience into a nightmare just because I didn't pay attention to 1 vital detail. I was going to ride the bus home on a weeknight after work. I looked at the UTA Transit website for possible routes and alternatives. Narrowed it down to 2 and decided to head out to take a short ride on Trax (the Salt Lake City light rail system) to catch my bus connection that would leave me literally steps away from my complex. I have taken this bus home before (but probably not within the last couple of months).

What I failed to check was the map for my connection bus. Apparently the system has changes ever so often and I waited for what I expected to be my connection bus that never came. By the time I realized the error (after browsing on my phone and calling UTA) I hurried to catch Trax again to a central station which took about 10 minutes to get there, I hoped that I would be able to catch the next bus but missed it just barely as the train was turning I saw my missed bus turning opposite corners. Once I got to the central station the next line was not due for at least 1/2 hour, so I looked for an alternative route which was not due for at least 20 minutes.

I texted Jeff to alert him that I was on my way and not to panic (I should have been home at least a 1/2 hr by this time and was still waiting to get on a bus) frustration can not even begin to describe how I was feeling. I finally took a bus that took forever because by now traffic is full on rush hour. I made it home about 1.5 hours after leaving work---I could have probably walked home and be home way sooner than that. 

I felt so tired from that ordeal that I was about to write an angry letter to UTA but then again, it was my fault for assuming that nothing had changed--which had and from a conversation with a co-worker it appears that things are changing again in a couple of weeks, so I better beware. Still--and I'm not trying to blame anyone here, what happened was my fault--Salt Lake City has never really been a mass-transit premier city. I get that they're trying to get on a level of other major cities in the US but it really is a long ways before this happens and until then people are probably not going to feel comfortable enough to leave their cars home and opt for an alternative ways of transportation.

One positive thing though is that in a couple of months there will be a direct light-rail line that will be running right by my house and will drop me about a block from work. I better get my navigation skills sharpened until this happens, I don't want to be stuck in mass transportation hell again!

* 2012 In Review *

Last year I made some vague goals that didn't have specific tasks attached to them. I left things kind of open because I honestly didn't want to break any given resolution and I also wanted to leave the opportunity open for whatever adventures might come throughout the year. The things I listed as wanting to do were:

Something Magical

Something New

Something Unexpected

Something Scary

Well here's my interpretation of what happened in all those areas:

Something magical:  Moving in with Jeff--well this was actually the one resolution we made together, basically figure out a way to make it happen sometime in the year. We talked about the logistics, what it would mean in many different aspects and time frames. I ran this past my kids so they felt like I didn't make this decision arbitrarily and they were both cool with it. We had a couple of stressful months trying to make it all happen, because I was supposed to leave my place by certain time in April but then had to wait a couple of weeks to get into the new place, turns out that I was told my place had been rented so I HAD to be out....well one way or another it all worked out somehow and we got a nice place that has worked out for us in lots of good ways. 

It all came together around Memorial Day and the experience has been beyond my hopes and expectations. Sure we've had to learn new ways to adapt to each other and learning yet lots of cool (and quirky) things about each other even now. In many people's eyes this was long overdue--almost 2.5 years after being together as a couple, but in our eyes it felt right and I'm glad we made it happen---who would have thought that in the midst of my angst years ago I would find myself in this situation? Not in my wildest dreams...

Something New: For the first time in about 20 years I wanted a birthday party for me. I am not one to call attention to myself--I just learned to draw away celebrations or the possibility in many years of marriage and many other situations. But this year was different and although our place is not big at all and conducive for parties I invited my kids, relatives and friends from different walks of life to come and celebrate. It was a lot of fun--it was interesting to watch some of my worlds collide (my kids meeting some of gay friends, straight friends hanging and chatting with everyone). I heard from some people that it was a great experience, definitely a chance to put themselves out of their comfort zone and have a good experience. I should probably make this a yearly tradition... we'll see!

Something unexpected: Had my name removed from the LDS church--I actually had this in my head for a long while. I am not sure why I had waited so long to make it happen. Somehow or other the letter had just never been written and sent, so before the move in with Jeff I decided I wanted it done. I wrote the letter, sent certified-mail copies to the bishop listed on the LDS church website, the stake president and headquarters and heard back from headquarters about two weeks later with a pamphlet asking me to come back....um--okay---the official name removal about six weeks later. No hassles, no nightmares. 

I was glad to be able to move on and all the previous imagined anxiety I had about doing this fizzled out. In my best LDS-speak: "I'm forever grateful" for the time I spent being Mormon--I learned a lot, I grew as a person a lot, I enjoyed many relationships and friendships-some of which are still going even after coming out; my mission is still one of the best things that happened to me in my then 20-year old life--I don't regret any of it--but I also realize as Jeff calls it--that there's no place for me at the Mormon table and if for any reason that were to ever change, it would likely not change my feelings. It really was time to move on, so I'll just leave it at that.

Something scary: Some people know about this and some don't. I got a piercing--this is something that I wanted to do as part of my divorce back when--something for me, about me that the old me would have never done. Jeff got me a gift certificate last year so I really had no excuse. It did take me a few months to build the courage and yes I won't deny it, the experience was scary and full of adrenaline but it was not nearly as bad as I had expected (or as bad as the YouTube videos showed). I won't go into more details because, well--this is still my thing, LOL...

So it was a good year. I'm glad I saw the chances to make the things I wanted to do happen and here's to many great things happening this year and in the future---cheers!!

Why I hate Christmas Carols

Maybe hate is too strong of a word...

Then again, maybe not. I noticed my dislike for Christmas songs a few years ago. My life was in such a crazy place then that the only meaning that I could attach to it was in a negative tone. I remember the first time I'd hear White Christmas in a season and feeling a dark, sadness that would come over me and even draw me to tears--it was usually a month or two after I felt that pit in my stomach around Labor Day when things would start going downhill that I mentioned in my previous post.




Some radio stations will go as far as start playing carols before Halloween, but it is usually after that when the songs start peeking. If I had my way I would outlaw Christmas carols until after Thanksgiving, but that's just me. I do realize other people like them and I suppose it is fair to allow everyone a chance to enjoy them--heck I even find myself singing along with some of them. But eventually I find myself needing to withdraw from them and my escape is to play Pandora Radio music on everything BUT Christmas! :-)

I was telling Jeff stories of my family's Christmas back in Mexico and Texas, gatherings, mission and church programs, some of the family dynamics between my family and my ex-in laws back when I was married, how some of those situations a few years ago started turning me sour for the season and such and then the thought came to me: "Christmas music makes me horribly sentimental" It could be me trying to sensationalize some of the good memories, or longing for as my ex used to call it the age of innocence, realizing the fact that it has been years since I've spent time with my parents and siblings...I don't know--. Just for the record my life is in such a different place emotionally and otherwise, so once I realized this I asked myself why do I feel like I do about Christmas carols and it threw me into an emotional spin- I have no psychology training but I figure it is the one thing that makes the most sense to me at this time...

Maybe I'm just turning into a sentimental old coot!

I think after realizing this I'm feeling much better. I'm not sure this means that I like Christmas carols any more (or any less) I guess I just have a better awareness of where some of my sadness comes from and I'll have to figure out how to get out of that funk when I feel it. Again, I don't know that it is a good thing or a bad thing but crazy how we learn/realize something new about oneself in a snap!