Where are you from? No really--where are your originally from?

I've had the first question asked of me for more than 30 years since living in Utah.

"Where are you from?"

I used to think that it was just an innocent question--and would happily answer: "Mexico City, but grew up in Houston, Texas"

A few years ago I started thinking, is there some other meaning to this question? I figured I lived in Utah for long enough to consider it my home so I started answering: Salt Lake City, over by the West side. Surprisingly enough, I got the follow up: 

"No, really where are you from?"

"Um--well, if you must know--my family is from Mexico and I grew up in Texas, but Utah has been my home longer than any other place I've lived in, how's that?"

It almost felt like a "you're not white, surely you're from somewhere else, certainly not from Utah"--I'll admit it stung a little, but not really much--I'm not into being offended about everything so I just let things go whenever I get that question asked and to be fair, I still have an accent so it is pretty obvious I wasn't born in Utah, so there's that...

The other day a friend posted the question: "Where is home to you?" I like that question a lot more.

Maybe I blame my mother--she was sort of a nomad and I honestly she never felt home anywhere. To her home was her birthplace in Mexico City and moving around and changing scenery was never a big deal to her, I swear in the 10 years I lived in Texas we moved 10 times (maybe I exaggerate--not sure) but we sure shuffled around a lot. 

Texas never really felt like home, I love Mexico City, where I was born but Utah has a special place in my life--no other place has felt like home--not just when I was active/Mormon and believing, it continued after my church activity ended (lord knows I tried leaving a couple of times but returned to Utah), and any other lifetimes---and it still feels like home. 

I'll admit that living in Utah wasn't all flawless either--I also moved a ton--I don't even want to think of the times I moved until I landed in my current place years ago that has been home and have managed to remain still (and plan on it for several more).

But overall--Utah is home, it feels like home--I love to travel and go see new places but there's a certain level of familiarity and comfort that comes with living here, and I like it, even as an out-gay man living in a state with a predominant religion that isn't that accepting. The reality is that Salt Lake City itself is a big-ol gay-borhood and anyone who thinks otherwise is not looking.

So next time I get asked "where are you from?" I'll try blurting out "Salt Lake City" then move on to elaborating my whole life story, but I'll end up saying "Utah is home".

Life is Short...

 It's been a couple rough months in our household...

Not because of finances or internal issues--rather because in that time frame we've lost 2 people that were close parts of our lives. There's a lot to be said for having a family of one's choosing, even if your blood family dynamic is good, there are those close to you that mean the same and sometimes even more than if they were related to you.

Through the last few years we've managed to create such a circle, the ones that you invite to each other's homes for dinner, birthdays and events, the ones that you've grown close to, have seen new love and relationships grow, children grow, things happen and the people that you know will be there for you for the good times but more important, when life doesn't go according to the script in our heads.

The first loss it was the husband of one of our dear friend's. Not that it makes any loss less catastrophic, but we had known for a while that Mark was ill and his health had been deteriorating slowly (or too fast, depending on who you ask).  Their time together was cut too short after it had seemed that the life we all dreamed of had finally materialized.

It was rough to watch our dear friend Joseph lose his love, go through the motions of taking care of arrangements, talking to people, doing what needed to be done. Sometimes words don't do anything to help the pain. All you can do is hope to be there when/if your loved one needs you. I had been holding things in and at the end of Mark's beautiful memorial service I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably in a friend's arms--the sadness was just too much.

Not that there was any time to recover & start healing from losing Mark, a little over a week ago we got word to run up to the hospital, another close friend, Kurt and his fiance had been in a car accident and Kurt didn't make it. There was so much going on for them, they had just bought a house, they were planning a wedding. We probably spent 2-3 days in shock, trying to comfort Kurt's fiance but also trying to comfort each other. Nothing prepares you for such a thing. We met with Kurt's mother and siblings in the middle of last week and that may have been the start of some healing, but sitting in a memorial service again brought lots of emotions.

It is true the funerals are for the living--in the end, you celebrate the lives that have touched you, hang on to the good times and memories--again this is very important--hope to be able to be there for their loved ones and tell your heart to hurt, be angry, resign itself and finally learn to live with the hole left by the departure of those you love. I think the most important thing I can say is that the last time I spoke to the two people mentioned there was no question of the love/care felt for them.


I learned a lot from Mark and Kurt--very different situations but both lived full lives, the kind of lives that you have no regrets, the kind that while you know there was so much left undone, there were few things left crossed off the checklist of things that make you truly happy because of their relationships and they way they found love, enjoyed whatever time was available and at the end of the day you lived it to the fullest. 

 The biggest lesson learned from all this for me:

Yes, why the heck not?

Getting personal--Tarot Card Reading

I was recently at a party and when the host mentioned that a friend of his did Tarot Card readings and would be happy to do for the guests for a modest price--my curiosity pinged!!

Before I go on--growing up Mormon I seem to remember that reading cards or fortune telling in most ways is frowned upon--some members will even go as far as not playing cards of any kind, who knew that a spade could bring doom and gloom to anyone? I honestly don't know whether that is official policy, doctrine or just a cultural quirk. Still the ever cautious me from the past would never go to the extent of having cards/fortune read or even go to a psychic--that kind of stuff was on my definite list of no-no's (more on that later).

I figured if there was ever a time to explore any of this stuff now was the perfect opportunity (okay I confess the wine pushed me over the curiosity edge!). Still--I went in with an open mind. The card reader asked me to hold the deck in my hands, have an open my mind, share the energy with the deck and then proceeded to set the cards in the same order as the picture above.

She mentioned a few things that were interesting. She did say she was not a psychic, she merely went to take some courses at the university and learned to get comfortable with the Celtic Tarot cards. She also said repeatedly that she didn't know me from Jack. The next thing she said was that she only deals the cards right-side-up, never upside-down, because, well--who wants to give a negative reading at a party (not that I would know the difference) right?!? So then she went on to talk about my cards--the revelations were interesting to say the least, but there was really nothing new or juicy and scandalous about me that I didn't already know--sorry to disappoint...

The stuff about my life that she spoke of was fairly spot on--granted they were pretty broad generalities in the reading but they were very positive, so positive that the experience brought some tears to my eyes--I know it was the wine--what else would have made me weepy!?!?!? But it really made me feel good!!. Afterwards I asked if I could give her a hug and she said yes.

Back to the part about my old self never wanting to get cards read or going to a psychic or fortune teller---in my old lives I would have NEVER, ever agreed to do that due to all the obvious dark closets that I used to live in--the last thing I would have wanted was someone seeing right through me and I would like to think that I used to make pretty calculated moves and decisions that involved low risk in my life to make sure of that--at least in my head.

In contrast, my life is in a whole different plane now; I suppose the moral is that I have nothing left to hide and it feels pretty good to be in that state and not be afraid. Maybe it is that I'm out and happy, maybe it is my age and feeling comfortable in my skin, maybe it was the wine...who knows! Have you ever had your fortune read or had tarot cards? how was that experience?

*For the record...some people in my circles now talk about Mormon Patriarchal Blessings as a form of fortune telling. I know some folks hold those pretty sacred and I respect those who do so --I wouldn't personally dare make fun--but I also understand that not everyone sees things the same way and people have the right to their opinion based on their personal perceptions and experiences--so there, hows that for disclosure?

Labeling Families

It's been a while since I last updated this blog. Part of me feels like I may have moved on enough to let all Moho things go, but almost without a doubt, every April and October topics of general discussion revolve around whatever someone has said at the LDS Church General Conference, sure a lot has to do with the place I live, I get it and then I don't really get it.

For the record, I stopped minding what is said there a long time ago, most of it does not affect me and frankly most of it is repetitive in nature. The only conscious thing I do during GC is to avoid driving downtown--it is usually a madhouse there--besides I rely on the news to re-cap something that might be considered outstanding (new temples announced, etc).  I also see some of the feed on friend's Facebook posts--this might sound harsh, but even as a believing member I don't recall paying so much attention to most of what was said in General Conference as I see a lot of Ex-Mormons and Mohos do. Is it that we may be looking for key words to incite controversy? I am not sure...

I responded to one friend's rant about the latest controversy of someone or other calling some types of family "counterfeit" by noting that it has been a while since most of what is said up there means much to me, good or bad. I certainly don't allow my life to be guided by what they say, I don't define my relationship based on what they think. I'm more or less at the point of let the haters spew perceived hate (or whatever) and I don't give them credit one way or the other--so why do others still allow that?

I have read from some posters that they're complaining on behalf of anyone-- perhaps that kid or a grownup in the closet that might feel angst and might go into depression or suicide attempts after hearing those words--I get it, I would like to think there's validity to this issue, is there more that could be done, do we all have an obligation to do something?

Where is the balance?

I really don't have the drive to become an activist at this point, I really don't--I appreciate those who find it in themselves to scream and shout and let it all out--after all, most changes have not happened because someone just sits back... Sure, there's things that rub me the wrong way if I look hard enough just about anywhere, but that's just not my personality. In my mind there's more to be said by letting things be, don't give haters the time of day by propagating their messages, sharing what someone might say that is offensive and spend my time doing better things with my life.

Is it apathy?

Is it carelessness?

Is there a point where I should rise up with the masses and burn my proverbial bra in protest?

I honestly don't know...

I realize now that the topic of this post & picture really don't have much to do with what I actually wrote...

How do you feel, if you made it this far down?

Things that keep me awake at night...

It has been a while since I've written.

I doubt that it is because of lack of things to talk about. Since the last time I wrote on here Utah and several other states have jumped head on the Marriage Equality fray and depending on who you talk to the cause will either prevail or fail; many people have become accidental activists because of this, can't wait to see how it all unravels.

Work has been insane to say the least, but keeps me on my toes, thankfully. Things on the home front are okay, we've taken on the stance that this year will be the year to travel a little, so far we've taken a long weekend to Vegas and more possible adventures to come...

My daughter requested a few months ago to cut back on our weekly visits which I initially struggled but have since realized that our visits now have become more about quality than the quantity. Still as a parent I often times feel ill-equipped to handle the curb-balls that parenting throws at me. When I lived with my children full time I felt I had a good handle on their lives, their needs and I could be there to help them with anything. Since the separation/divorce years ago that has stopped. I've had to learned to let go of many things, sometimes guilt sets in (sometimes others love to impose it on me--but that's a whole other story....).

Still--there are times when I look at my children and I see well-adjusted people muddling through life like everyone else and then I see things like this, often times posted at 2 or 3 in the morning by my 19yr old son:

Immediately followed by panic, what can I do, how can I comfort him, make his life better, what drove him to write that? Guilt, rationalization, processing... In the end I conclude he knows he can ask for my help if he really needs it; after all--what were my own thoughts when I was his age? The difference is I didn't have social media to sort through my vague thoughts...such is life.

I suppose in the order of probabilities the things that keep me awake at night are minor--they could always be worse, and I realize they are for others. I'm extremely lucky in many senses and the small moments of wavering confidence come and go...just had to get that out today, but I guess I have to ask:

What keeps you awake at night?

I Want My Dad to Finally Come Out

I read this link today from the Advocate:

http://www.advocate.com/commentary/2013/09/20/op-ed-i-want-my-dad-finally-come-out

My heart broke in many pieces reading the writings of this gay man's child.

I saw myself and yes, even the pain of my ex and kids in many of the paragraphs, the pain that is felt between the lines. Quite honestly when my ex-wife told me that I was not only hurting her (I had known that for a long time) but that the kids were also being hurt with all of the mess we were causing I couldn't handle it anymore and decided it was time to come out---in many ways even at the price paid, things never got as bad as the article.

Often times as parents we think we're protecting others from pain and misery, but in reality I think I was trying to protect myself. I can't say it was easy, I can't say it wasn't painful--there have been few if anything more painful than separating, not being able to tuck my kids in bed every night and be there for their waking up time, but after many years I can say it has been worth it.

Any Moho (and non) contemplating marrying a woman for the sake of family, society, church or themselves ought to read this and consider where will their life be down the road.

Word....

Being Here But Not Here

I’ve heard this reference a couple of times in the last week or so which made me think of how many times I may be there in body, but not particularly there in mind. When I’m aware of what’s happening, sometimes my brain races looking for reasons that sent me to be in that state of mind and then I think, is it just me?

Is it my fault or is it technology’s fault?

I find it interesting that it used to be that in order to get news a person had to read the morning paper or stay up until late evening hours. Nowadays information is readily at my fingertips if I just want to search; then again there’s the option of getting blasted with texts, emails, alerts about things may happen all around me, perhaps even in my neighborhood, city, state, country or the other side of the world, is all of that too distracting for me to stay focused in the here and now at a given time?

Seems humans to yearn for connection while wanting to have all the conveniences of a modern world. I can call relatives on the other side of the country, check my bank account balance, purchase movie tickets on my phone all at the same time while possibly ignoring the person who met me at the movie theater to spend some time doing something fun. See the irony there? I consider myself to be a social & extrovert, and good at multitasking, but it may just be a cop out for bad behavior...

I seem to have no problem connecting with someone on another continent and share experiences, personal feelings down to intimate details yet I don’t know my own neighbors. I sit at work with open cubicles, navigate daily life on trains and city walks with my headphones on because, well--I don’t want to offend people with the music or podcasts I listen to, but is it really a ploy keep others away? Have I have turned my life into headphone city? When did that happen and why?

There are events, parties, social occasions to meet others face to face and interact with fellow human beings and yet it isn’t uncommon for two or three (or many) of us to whip out our mobile devices to text someone who is not there, chat with so and so 1 mile away or stay ‘in touch’ with a virtual world while the real world passes us by but hey, as long as everyone else is doing it it is okay for me to do it right? Isn’t that an interesting phenomenon? I’ve seen two people sitting in a restaurant across from each other (as in a possible dinner date?) and place their phones right by their silverware--is it because our virtual lives are THAT important? Some people some people might call it the 21st. Century--some might just call it right down disrespectful and rude,

Sure I live in what is turning to be a global community. I connect with people, information, science, sports, world events, politics, entertainment in many forms of  media, but I’m realizing that all of that noise may be keeping me away from real life itself. Is that a new level of social awareness? Is it healthy? For additional illustration purposes I tried expressed my thoughts in first person--hard exercise, and not just because how hard it is to own up to my own issues--but if any change may be needed it needs to start with me.

Any opinions/thoughts?

Can I have you ignore the real person in front of you, next to you or around you so you can address my virtual, random ponderings? :-)

How do I undo what’s been done?

Sorry this is long...

Background:  more than a few years ago when I first came out to my mother (I was still married, trying to make sense of what it all meant, how it affected me, my now ex-wife and children) mom came to see me from Texas at my request. I wasn’t sure how I needed her at the time, but asking her to “be there” was all I could think of. That request turned nightmarish, she projected the entire experience onto herself—she always loved making things about herself—and in true fashion before heading home and in a ditch effort to ‘rope me back in’ told me to leave everything, my wife/children and fully return to the LDS church, an ultimatum of sorts. 

I reacted the only way I could at the moment--that she had no right to ask me to do anything,  that she was a dangerous person, she always made things about her, manipulated people into doing what she wanted using whatever means and ways she could (there’s stories I don’t even want to write about). I told her I didn’t want her anywhere near my family, I wanted no contact until I felt it was safe for me to do that. It took a few months for me to feel comfortable talking to her again, slowly and very much at a distance. Additionally my ex and mom never really found any common ground, not having to deal with each other was/is probably 85% of my problems being solved so I don’t think my ex-wife really has many courteous things to say about my mom.

Coming out fully a few years ago, I explained to my mother that I wasn’t seeking any kind of approval or permission. While our relationship has sort of improved at a respectable level, I never supported any kind of reconnection with my two kids, in my mind I kept seeing her manipulative ways with some of my nephews and nieces so in sort of a selfish way, I protected them from her—I don’t know if cancer has made her reflect on a lot of things—maybe because I don’t see her every day, but she seems to have calmed her ways—perhaps not and it just seems like it to me. 

Recently my sister made mom a Facebook profile and requested to have my kids added as friends of hers. My kids’ reaction to that initially was “mmmh, not now” which I think is fair. I saw some of my son’s postings about it, he feels she has not made an effort to make contact, get to know them; she’s apparently kept in some kind of contact with the other grandchildren. Yes they’re resentful, but a big part of it was my doing—and I admit it is my fault—I don’t know that their relationship would have gone sour or improved had I not explicitly asked her not to contact them. She is not even on Facebook that much that I can tell, but I honestly don’t know what kinds of things reconnecting them would cause, positive/negative ones? She does ask me about the kids on our phone conversations and I talk in generalities to both.

Gaaaaah, this has gone too long already--if you're still reading: I’m a little torn, but I’m willing to accept my share of blame in causing much of this, I just don’t know if it is now too late to fix it. She is 71 so it isn’t like we have all the time in the world to see what happens in the future. It’s a mix of guilt and wanting to get this resolved ASAP. Maybe I’ll talk to the kids, do some explanations and see what evolves from that—the thought has been in my head for a few weeks. What if anything can be done at this point? Is it my job to intercede, explain, resolve? Do I drag the kids to Texas in person? Do I leave it alone? So much I don’t even know where to begin.... thoughts anyone?

Utah State Legislature Strikes Again

I have to admit that as much as I should be involved in the political process I am not as comfortable navigating in the mess that appears to be a legislative session in the State of Utah, but it doesn't take a genius to know that some of the laws that passed this session are just a little far-fetched. 

That's the case of House Bill 363 which basically teaches abstinence as the only recommended form of sex education and prohibits teachers to teach anything else. Not to be a negative voice of the people here, but I understand that the primary job for teaching children about sex belongs to the parents and I don't think anyone disagrees with me. However where I have a problem is that a lot of Utah parents are not interested in discussing sexual topics with their children--in any context and it could very well be that the parent chooses to call themselves conservative, but at least from my point of view (where I have teenage children myself) I don't think that a parent can afford to dig their head in the sand not address all of the good and bad issues of sex and hope that their kids will somehow choose to make the right decisions based on morals or what's being assumed as the popular belief. 

There's an online petition going around that has surpassed 40,000 signatures in which people are asking the governor to veto the bill, which might or might not make any difference because 1. The governor may ignore everyone's opinion and sign it into law, or 2. He might veto it which only means that the legislature might reconvene and override it--which leaves everyone pretty much in the same place

I think the state of Utah (or is it just the legislators?) must seem really backwards in this regard to the rest of the world when in reality is a pretty amazing place to live, great opportunities for outdoor recreation pretty much year around and great diversity---we just need to make the people who really help move all the crazy stuff die off fast and have the more open-minded folks take over; or simply involve more people in the political process and make it a more balanced system. 

I hope that at least those who dare make a statement show that slowly but surely Utah is starting to turn things around and becoming more than one-sided, right-wing, red state....until then, we may just have to be patient!!!

Gay fathers coming out of the woodwork

We've seem to have had a rash of gay dads who've joined the Utah Gay Fathers group lately. Not sure if it is one of those: "I'll just wait and do this after the holidays" thing but it seems that there are a few who are either coming out to themselves, maybe trying to figure out how is their coming out going to affect their families and such. Some are still married, some are going through separations or just newly divorced.

I have said it before that anytime I hear about a new guy going through the process I have a twinge of PTSD kind of reliving my own experience, but lately things have gotten better for me. I think that the old addage of "time heals everything" really is true. Still as I see more guys take the leap from being married to accepting themselves, coming out and whatever their lives mean from there I can't help but think how many more are out there who are still living in angst.

To anyone going through any of these steps, even if it is just discovering who you are I'll write a couple of points that may be helpful. They're in other blogs and lists so they're nothing new, yet it feels like these points needs to be repeated over and over again. They also don't only apply to gay fathers, I think they're good for anyone coming out or going through almost any kind of transition:

1. You're not alone-- I remember feeling that I was the only gay person who was married in the entire world. There are literal networks around that can make you feel included and that you matter--find one. The gay dad's group I participate in is not a public group for various reasons but there are lots of guys still in the closet and all other steps that a certain amount of anonimity is still needed for them and it also allows for some rants and issues that can't be expressed in the open. 

2. You're not a monster-- It think it has become more mainstream to come out. Sure, not everyone is going to like it, accept you with open arms and march with you at the next Pride parade, but I believe there's a certain amount of empathy and understanding from people in regards to being gay and coming out. I have not had any kind of negative experience coming out, even as an adult, having been married and having kids--sure I've heard rumors through the grapevine but nothing face-to-face. Better yet if individuals fear that their families won't accept them, it may only be the difference between knowing someone gay and not being aware of how many of "us" are out there.

3. Find a tribe-- Find someone you can talk to, confide in. Someone you can be vulnerable with and that will hold you when you need it. Someone that will allow you to scream when you feel like doing it and that will help you move through the process. Find friends that will allow you to grow and help you out of your cocoon. For some reason a lot of people think that all that gay guys do is hook-up and hunt for their next sexual conquest. This could not be further from the truth but because that seems to be the notion, a lot of guys coming out feel like that's the only thing they're supposed to do and while there's a place for that "gay adolescent" stage it doesn't have to be the only thing in a person's life. Most cities have sports, gardening, cooking, brown bag and other interest groups that will provide you with a social outlet-- get out of your shell and find them. Don't be the person who only has gay friends--don't forget your straight ones--who else is going to give them style advice? :-)


4. Man up-- Own up to the possible "mistakes" that you've made, the relationships you've affected, the people that in some way or another you may have "lied to" even if it was just to survive. Hindsight is always 20/20 but think of the things you couldn't have learned otherwise, the relationships you've had and yeah even the blessing of being a father to children if you have them--. But once you've apologized and owned up, move on. Do the manly thing and take care of your ex and the kids financially (get divorced and set your obligations--child support/alimony--in writing as fast as possible), be fair but also make sure you can still survive and as much as you can, don't dwell on your mistakes and don't make any excuses. Don't allow people to use you for guilt or give them entitlement over your life, your money or any aspect of your person.


5. Live your life. Show people that being gay is only part of who you are. You may be a son, brother, father, husband, employee, boss, church leader, a neighbor, a friend--whatever it may be, but being gay is not THE ONLY thing about you. Sure, it may drive a lot of what you say, think and do; but by all means it shouldn't be the only driving force. Still move on with your life and show yourself and everyone that you still have to put on your gay underwear and gay pants one leg at a time! Don't make rash decisions, you don't have to dissolve your life, your employment, even your married life if that's not in the works, but feel the freedom of accepting yourself and knowing what works for you.

I'm sure there are lots of other things that could be said about this, but if I think about it more I won't ever get this posted, so here are just some thoughts, take them for what they're worth, I'm not licensed, trained or paid for any of it. I just have a big mouth and a not-so-humble opinion! :-)

"Turn It Off"

Confession time: I've been meaning to post about this for a while and I keep saving the draft for later, it is time to just get it published. I think I've become obsessed with the Book of Mormon Musical (no, really?!?!?) Maybe it is because I'm only just catching up with campy tunes from musicals and I happen to like them--I don't know. I like almost all of the songs, but this one in particular always makes me crack up the most; however by the time the song ends I'm usually in tears---can anyone explain that?

TURN IT OFF

I wish YouTube still had the boot-legged copy of the play to show the actual song with the actors, it is much more visual than what's available now, but at least there's something to show.

I can't speak for anyone else, this is just my personal experience but as an active Mormon I think I was constantly self-pressured to shelve things up. If I had questions on faith, doubts, fears and anything that was not edifying I was pretty much under the impression that I needed to "turn it off" in other words, don't think about it and it doesn't exist. Funny thing is that I don't remember ever reading it in any official talk or manual about this, it may be more cultural than anything, yet in retrospect it affected so much of my life. I think my tears might originate from the sadness that I allowed this coping mechanism to become my way of life, any one who can explain, you know "free-advising, I'm not a shrink but play one on the internet" types out there?

Sometimes when talking to other members the concept of "if it isn't useful for your salvation it isn't important" would come up and be held as the general consensus; but then again there are plenty of things in life that are important enough to question but the rule of thumb is again, if it doesn't lead you to be good, do good and possibly even show how good you are then turn off the thoughts. I haven't made a point to sit and think about the number of items that I may have turned off during my active Mormon life and at this point maybe it isn't even worth it, but for two or three--or probably many more very obvious things--turning it off made a huge impact in my life...

Who knows maybe I'm still turning a lot of things off...don't we all?

What Makes Someone Attractive?

I was talking to the babe about who may be attractive what makes someone attractive (ok fine, HOT!) . When I asked him if he was playing "two truths and one lie" he said that he just wanted an idea of what kind of person I found attractive. Um, really? well, I hadn't really thought about it in a long while, so I thought it might be fine to write the stuff down. If I was asked about what kind of men I find attractive I'd probably have to put it in pictures, so I did a little fun googling:

 

Yes it is no secret that I find Mark Ruffalo hot!  

Some of you may know this local weather man, someone please hand me a fan!! :-)

There's other examples of attractive guys in my mind, but let's be realistic; #1 the chances of meeting these guys in real life are probably next to none--well I can always stalk them, but hey, I have to work, pay rent, child support and alimony , I don't think I'd have the time honestly---er, so where was I? Oh yeah what makes a person attractive... #2 there's no telling if their personalities are really a match to their good looks, I mean they're celebrities, their job is to be liked and wanted by the masses, right?

I hate to be cliquish but to me attraction goes far beyond a good looking man. I mean I could have a teenage girl type-crush on someone but it may be more because of what the person might represent to me than what their actual personality is. To me an attractive man (heck or a woman but work with me here!) is someone who carries themselves with confidence. I don't necessarily mean the A-type person that walks into a room and demands attention from everyone but the one that might move through the room and mingle, at least be open to talking to a perfect stranger and if nothing else try to find something in common. I suppose someone funny and nice and certainly in a non-threatening way, just someone who is level-headed and grounded enough to know that you might find good to maybe bad conversations and everything else in between. Some of you that have met the babe know what I've described is some of what attracts me to him so freaking much--but the person I'm describing can also be young or older, slim, bald, nerdy, whatever we may want to label it, physical traits come and go and although they may dictate the first laws of attraction let's face it, bodies age...

I don't know if that covers what I'm trying to say. I also realize that the first time I meet a person I may or may not be able to capture that attractive personality that I enjoy. It might take a few meetings as people get more familiar and comfortable talking and disclosing themselves and by all means it doesn't mean that once a person fits the criteria I want to develop a romantic relationship. There are layers, lots and lots of layers here. This is why in my opinion first (possibly even second) dates are not the kind of place to think: Where is this going? It takes much, much more than that to find that common attraction. I have no scientific basis for anything I'm saying, these are just my personal observations.

So, now it is your turn, what (or who) do you find attractive?

Ever been a foreign exchange student?

My son is taking Arabic in school and was shown a scholarship program that will basically pay for airfare, school, room and board in a foreign country depending on the language. His choice is of course, Egypt (and the Middle East). If he gets picked, all he has to take is his luggage and spending money. I asked him why can't he go to China or Russia? He says that he'd probably have to take a year of the language to get some basic understanding, but that's not what the website says. He seems to be mesmerized by the whole Arab thing and at 15 years old he is still very impressionable.

Of course I have concerns for safety in a place like this, but hey, things happen everywhere, not just he Middle East. I also have to confess that I worry about the possibility that he might get just a bit too much Arab/Muslim propaganda that tends to very anti-Israel--I'm sure the teacher he has touches on these things a lot, I've heard him comment on the whole Gaza events.. I've talked to him about these things and tell him he has to have an open mind and understand that each side has many valid points, both are probably right but both are probably wrong too, it is nice to know all the points of view.

Whoa...I went on a tangent there, but I think it is important.

Basically everything the program looks good, he meets all the requirements and already has a passport. Mom says she'd probably be ok if he went for the Summer, I say I can handle a semester but he thinks he could handle a whole year if necessary. I think the experience regardless of how long he goes for would be priceless and the type of exposure he'd have to the world would not be learned anywhere else. He seems to be very into politics, sociology and is seriously considering some kind of career in Political Science and this trip would be a chance of a lifetime, but I want to make sure I touch on all the possible points, and ask the right questions if he gets selected, I'm sure we'd have to meet someone about this in person. So any ideas/thoughts, perhaps bad experiences that you can relate?