Remembering A Gentle, Loving Soul

A year ago my partner's dad died. He had been in the hospital for a few days and we had visited him just the day before. Still in spite of knowing he had health issues, no amount of warning prepares another human being to get the news that a parent has died--it was a shock.

I have seen my partner struggle for a year missing his dad and that has been hard to watch. There are somethings in life that you can't just fix--this being one of those. He was the most loving, caring and accepting man I have ever met, he had nothing but love for everyone he came across, he truly had no guile. He was a handy man and loved tools--many of which my partner learned to use because his dad taught him. While working on some projects in the house there have been several instances where a phrase: "dad taught me this" or "dad would have told me to do this"--to me, this speaks volumes of the relationship they had. My partner speaks of his childhood home growing up as the safe place where no matter what was going on in their lives, everyone knew that home was where they were loved unconditionally and scratches his head when he hears horror stories of Mormon families who disown their kids for being gay or XYZ reasons.

Partner's dad had a way to find a common ground with everyone. One time the topic of our LDS missions came up--as it often happens with returned missionaries; his mission was in the Navajo reservation and he told me he never wore a white shirt and a tie--he wore jeans and boots, rode horses & hardly preached. He was more interested in getting the people's trust and taught them lots of things on bettering their lives. He said that when he came home from his mission he was asked to share his testimony in Navajo--and because he only learned so much--decided to count from 1-10 in Navajo and throw in a GA name here and there--who would ever know right? When I heard this story I laughed, and laughed--then in somewhat of a somber way he said: "I've never told this to anyone before--except for my wife"---oh wow!! Hard not to get the feels when I remember this experience.

The family has been talking about ways to honor him at the year of his passing. Each of them is finding their own personal way of doing it and the best way I can think is to write and thank him here for his unconditional love--which I was lucky enough to receive for a a few years since I met him; he truly loved everyone genuinely--and the example of a loving human being whose legacy still runs in that family that remembers him, misses him and somehow manages to go on while honoring his name.

He lived, he loved, he didn't just talk the talk--he walked it all the way. In Mormon doctrine there is no such thing as "Rest In Peace"--you work when you live, you keep working even after you die and heaven knows if that ever stops--and if that's indeed the case he is probably busy watching after everyone, and I have a feeling that this would have just been his style...

Getting personal--Tarot Card Reading

I was recently at a party and when the host mentioned that a friend of his did Tarot Card readings and would be happy to do for the guests for a modest price--my curiosity pinged!!

Before I go on--growing up Mormon I seem to remember that reading cards or fortune telling in most ways is frowned upon--some members will even go as far as not playing cards of any kind, who knew that a spade could bring doom and gloom to anyone? I honestly don't know whether that is official policy, doctrine or just a cultural quirk. Still the ever cautious me from the past would never go to the extent of having cards/fortune read or even go to a psychic--that kind of stuff was on my definite list of no-no's (more on that later).

I figured if there was ever a time to explore any of this stuff now was the perfect opportunity (okay I confess the wine pushed me over the curiosity edge!). Still--I went in with an open mind. The card reader asked me to hold the deck in my hands, have an open my mind, share the energy with the deck and then proceeded to set the cards in the same order as the picture above.

She mentioned a few things that were interesting. She did say she was not a psychic, she merely went to take some courses at the university and learned to get comfortable with the Celtic Tarot cards. She also said repeatedly that she didn't know me from Jack. The next thing she said was that she only deals the cards right-side-up, never upside-down, because, well--who wants to give a negative reading at a party (not that I would know the difference) right?!? So then she went on to talk about my cards--the revelations were interesting to say the least, but there was really nothing new or juicy and scandalous about me that I didn't already know--sorry to disappoint...

The stuff about my life that she spoke of was fairly spot on--granted they were pretty broad generalities in the reading but they were very positive, so positive that the experience brought some tears to my eyes--I know it was the wine--what else would have made me weepy!?!?!? But it really made me feel good!!. Afterwards I asked if I could give her a hug and she said yes.

Back to the part about my old self never wanting to get cards read or going to a psychic or fortune teller---in my old lives I would have NEVER, ever agreed to do that due to all the obvious dark closets that I used to live in--the last thing I would have wanted was someone seeing right through me and I would like to think that I used to make pretty calculated moves and decisions that involved low risk in my life to make sure of that--at least in my head.

In contrast, my life is in a whole different plane now; I suppose the moral is that I have nothing left to hide and it feels pretty good to be in that state and not be afraid. Maybe it is that I'm out and happy, maybe it is my age and feeling comfortable in my skin, maybe it was the wine...who knows! Have you ever had your fortune read or had tarot cards? how was that experience?

*For the record...some people in my circles now talk about Mormon Patriarchal Blessings as a form of fortune telling. I know some folks hold those pretty sacred and I respect those who do so --I wouldn't personally dare make fun--but I also understand that not everyone sees things the same way and people have the right to their opinion based on their personal perceptions and experiences--so there, hows that for disclosure?

Labeling Families

It's been a while since I last updated this blog. Part of me feels like I may have moved on enough to let all Moho things go, but almost without a doubt, every April and October topics of general discussion revolve around whatever someone has said at the LDS Church General Conference, sure a lot has to do with the place I live, I get it and then I don't really get it.

For the record, I stopped minding what is said there a long time ago, most of it does not affect me and frankly most of it is repetitive in nature. The only conscious thing I do during GC is to avoid driving downtown--it is usually a madhouse there--besides I rely on the news to re-cap something that might be considered outstanding (new temples announced, etc).  I also see some of the feed on friend's Facebook posts--this might sound harsh, but even as a believing member I don't recall paying so much attention to most of what was said in General Conference as I see a lot of Ex-Mormons and Mohos do. Is it that we may be looking for key words to incite controversy? I am not sure...

I responded to one friend's rant about the latest controversy of someone or other calling some types of family "counterfeit" by noting that it has been a while since most of what is said up there means much to me, good or bad. I certainly don't allow my life to be guided by what they say, I don't define my relationship based on what they think. I'm more or less at the point of let the haters spew perceived hate (or whatever) and I don't give them credit one way or the other--so why do others still allow that?

I have read from some posters that they're complaining on behalf of anyone-- perhaps that kid or a grownup in the closet that might feel angst and might go into depression or suicide attempts after hearing those words--I get it, I would like to think there's validity to this issue, is there more that could be done, do we all have an obligation to do something?

Where is the balance?

I really don't have the drive to become an activist at this point, I really don't--I appreciate those who find it in themselves to scream and shout and let it all out--after all, most changes have not happened because someone just sits back... Sure, there's things that rub me the wrong way if I look hard enough just about anywhere, but that's just not my personality. In my mind there's more to be said by letting things be, don't give haters the time of day by propagating their messages, sharing what someone might say that is offensive and spend my time doing better things with my life.

Is it apathy?

Is it carelessness?

Is there a point where I should rise up with the masses and burn my proverbial bra in protest?

I honestly don't know...

I realize now that the topic of this post & picture really don't have much to do with what I actually wrote...

How do you feel, if you made it this far down?

It IS a big deal and it is NOT a big deal...

Two weeks ago (yes I'm late writing about it)--I got to work and things went haywire on Social media as the US Supreme Court had decided that they did not want to hear anything about the State of Utah's appeal for equality marriage, therefore making the Federal District Court's decision stand, no more appeals and no more waiting:

Gay marriage was/is finally legal in my home-state of Utah!!

Of course it is a big deal--the media was probably expecting the rush of couples racing to the court house, it was interesting to watch the broadcasts of the county buildings with only a handful of couples but otherwise not a big rush like what we were seeing in December, it is a big deal because of all the controversy involved in a conservative state like Utah where one religious entity still appears to call many of the shots at several levels of life. It is a big deal because no matter how vocal some people are, it is the new law of the land, much sooner than anyone expected.

The reason I don't necessarily think it is a big deal is that equality marriage has been happening for more than 10 years in many countries and US States, governments have somehow managed to still operate, life has adapted and moved on--the world did not stop turning. It is a formality of things that we've seen coming for a while. I don't think it should be confusing what to do with rules, statutes and current laws because--well, this has been happening already. I hear the voices of "what if churches are obligated to perform same-sex marriages under the new law?" (they're not, by the way)--and even if for some weird notion were, why would I go ask a religious leader of a church that does not accept me to do it?

 

So my stance is that it is a good thing, we've been waiting for it, we'll move on--isn't that how it happens elsewhere? Why is Utah any different? Of course people have asked about why aren't we rushing, when is the date, what's the plan? We have talked about getting married but it is still very much a discussion right now. I've had this conversation with my kids and both are pretty supportive. Still, our lives are such at this moment that it isn't a huge rush to have to make a decision

BUT

If we were to decide to get married it is great to know that it is a valid and available option for me, my partner and many other people in whatever situation they live. I realize that there are certain benefits that we want to take advantages of and many rights that we would not have otherwise and when the right time comes--it isn't a question of if, but when and we'll go from there.

 

What does need to happen is for people--myself included--to stop calling it "Same-sex-marriage, equality marriage, gay marriage, non-traditional marriage, traditional marriage, heterosexual marriage" and just call it "Marriage"--I can get on board with that!

Whirlwind of events and emotions...

I had the fortune to spend two weeks out of the last month traveling with my children--in an ideal world I would have taken them both and my partner together on all the trips; however, situations were such that I was only able to go with one kid at a time--but that also made for some really needed 1-1 time with each of them--Jeff was very supportive of me doing this so I was glad he understood the circumstances and how it all evolved.


The first round was traveling with my 15yr old daughter for a trip I had promised her in lieu of not being able to celebrate her Quinceañera (Latin version of a sweet sixteen) and it was our way to celebrate. I was hoping to be able to have time to talk to her about some things that we never had a chance to do during the separation/divorce, things from my point of view, when I had been told not to discuss 'my gay life' with her, things about her life, her point of view on many things and get a general feeling of where she is/was. Let's just say  that being stuck in airplanes for a long time sure helped--we had many heart-to-heart discussions, no limits on topics, no judgements.

She blew me away on her views on the world, my life, her life and how it all sort of fits together in her mind. Things that I had been worried about her that are really not issues and realized that there are things she does worry about that I had not considered. She also amazed me at what a good navigator she is--she did screen shots of places we were going to and was able to pull them up on her phone to get to places she wanted to visit--of course I'm biased--but I'm so proud of her level of maturity and how she is facing the world and how she sees life, she makes me a proud papa.

Fast-forward to the last week of July. My son asked me to come along with him on a trip--his original plans sort of fell through so he asked if I could go and I was more than happy to step in and being able to pull it off. We spent a few days trekking around, went to a sporting event he really wanted to see for a long time and just wandered. I had had many conversations with him in the past so this situation was different but we still managed to have a lot of good talks, reassure where our relationship is as a father/son and how it is evolving now that he is learning to be an adult.

He also did his homework, figuring out how we could get around, costs, times, etc--he put a lot of effort into this trip and as usual he is very easy going, just ready to take on the next place, walk for blocks, ride subways, etc & keep things flowing without a specific schedule and just enjoy the time. Sure, I'll be paying for all of this in due time, but then I read this and makes perfect sense in my head:

We certainly made a lot of good memories, and I hope to be able to make a lot more in the future, whether in similar format or whatever we are able to do. The saddest parts for me were to say goodbye to them at the airport once they were heading back to their home--it never gets easy whether it is dropping them off at their mom's house or an airplane, a parent's heart hurts just the same, I did my best to hide the tears and broke down once I didn't have them in front of me, but life goes on and so must I...

This year sure has been one to make up a lot of the past years I have not been able to travel. I had forgotten how much fun it is, but I also confess that it gets tiring, the allure of getting on an airplane does get old after a while but again, it is a small price to pay for the good times...