July 02, 2011

Slow week, crazy week

I started moving out of my old apartment last weekend. As I suspected, I had too much crap, considering that I had been trying to downsize considerably. At some point I sat in the middle of boxes, totes and thought to myself: "Where do I even start?" but little by little things just happened. By Sunday afternoon with a lot of very appreciated help from Jeff we moved most of the bigger stuff to the new, smaller place. 

A couple of days earlier we had also been talking about a lot of the stuff that had happened at this place. This is where I spent more than a few dark, sleepless nights thinking to myself: "What have I done?", this is where I would grab the dog to go on walks at 2:00 am to try to clear my head and where I cried many, many tears mourning the life I tried to live and trying to put the pieces of my life together again. 

But not all was sadness. This is where I remember catching my reflexion in the bathroom mirror one day and finally being able to literally look at myself probably for the first time and say: "You're going to be alright, you deserve to be happy and you're going to get through this". This is the place where I learned to pick my battles with the X. This is also the place where I held a Halloween party for my daughter trying to keep somewhat of a semblance of normalcy--not sure if I accomplished anything by that or not, but try I did. This is the place where I told Jeff I loved him for the first time. This is the place where he met my sisters and my kids and where we had food, learned to cook together, made dinners for people and had company over---great times!!-- I did a lot of growing as a person here. 

As I got ready to close the door for the last time in this place I took these pictures and thought: Why is it so freaking bittersweet? Yeah moving on and moving forward is a good thing. I am still trying to put it all together in my new place and I'm almost done, again not without tremendous help from the boyfriend. I took the week off work to get as much done as possible and by Thursday I was able to literally take a couple of days to just sit back, chill and relax (as much as I'm able to relax!) watch some movies and try to analyze all that has happened and the prospect of the things to come!

Last night at a dinner with friends; one of them is about to embark in a similar journey--he is looking for a place to live, move out of his house and move on--almost the same story but different people with slightly different circumstances--- I mentioned to Jeff that anytime I hear about someone (namely a married gay guy) goes through the process of leaving the house, the wife, the kids knowing that life will never be the same--my heart breaks over and over again and I relive my experience from over 2 years ago in some sort of  PTSD; but I understand that everyone has to walk their own journey and all we can hope is to be there for them, literally, love them, hold them as so many people did for me back then --still do-- and and that time will heal all wounds and people will learn to adapt, we have to in order to be able to allow life to move on...

So here's to new beginnings, new prospects and hopes for a better life, always!

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