May 26, 2011

Social Change

I'm trying to catch up with some fellow blogs (don't always have the chance so I try to read as much as I can here and there). Rob in his blog,  Scrum Central  talks about how progress on so many levels is being made and mentions Cesar Chavez, I love the quote, so I'll re-post it here. It resonates with me very much and I hope that I'm able to elaborate more about this later on, but for now here it is:

"Once social change begins, it cannot be reversed. You cannot uneducate the person who has learned to read. You cannot humiliate the person who feels pride. You cannot oppress the people who are not afraid anymore. We have seen the future, and the future is ours."
- Cesar Chavez

May 20, 2011

Madonna - Dress You Up

I set up a new Pandora Radio station that I called Lucky Star. Mainly 80's music. I LOVE 80's music, makes me feel so freaking liberated---don't you young-whipper snappers start calling me old now and get off my lawn!!!!!

Last night Jeff and I started singing to this song out loud back up vocals and everything...

Reason #45878984 I LOVE THAT MAN! :-)

May 14, 2011

Coming Out Stories on Netflix

I've been getting hooked on streaming shows on Netflix lately and ran across a series from Logo called "Coming Out stories".

I've loved watching all the different backgrounds and points of view yet they all as as poignant and touching about the difficulties of coming out to loved ones. A couple of points that I keep hearing:

1. I don't want to disappoint my ___________
2. The anxiety and shame of feeling like they can't be themselves--their true selves by holding out this information from their loved ones.
3. Most of the relatives (parents, siblings, ex-spouses) first reaction is: "I already know" or "I've known but I wanted to give you time"
4. Tears... Make sure you have tissue close by...

It has been great to watch. I recommend that you watch it if you can!

May 13, 2011

I'm not gay but I think my boyfriend is...

He, he ,he!

No worries, this is not a Dear Abby story in which a very suspecting woman asks Dear Abby about the man in her life who is very sensitive, has a high fashion sense and loves to watch chick flicks... This posting is more to welcome the boyfriend (FKA--formerly known as-The Babe since he also said he doesn't like to be called that). I finally gave him the blog address and he said he is going to read it---he better post comments too since the blog is 1/2 about him anyway! :-) He has a name, and while this blog is just about as public as anything can get, I forgot to ask if it is OK to use his real name---

So everyone please waive and say: "Hi!" to the boyfriend!!

May 10, 2011

The Mommy Roller Coaster

This is a hard post to write...

I don't know if any of my relatives or people that know my mom read this and if it might get back to her. I'm not the biggest fan of Mother's day. Yes I admit to having severe mommy issues... but then again, who doesn't? I am not sure where these issues stem from. From what I understand I was such a momma's boy, always clinging to her skirt. I was cared for and pampered by the females of my maternal family (aunts and cousins). When my parents separated I went to live with my biological father for the next six years and I only saw my mother once in that time and went back to live with her in my early teens. I read somewhere that during that time living at my dad's I likely experienced some form of Attachment Disorder although this is much more common in younger children--I have no scientific evidence for this so it is just my own opinion/conclusion.

As I learned to live again with a mom a lot of emotional connections were lost. I remember clamming  up and not knowing how to react when she'd have a blow up over something I may or may not have done during my teens. I would just stand there while she yelled and threw things and I had no reaction for her, good or bad. I couldn't yell back, I couldn't cry, I just stood there and said nothing. Since I hated making her mad I dedicated my life to pleasing her with good boy words and actions. I could never say anything wrong or that would contradict her and I would do everything possible (cleaning the kitchen, the house, the yard) and pitching in every possible way to not making her mad and of course being the perfect Mormon son who did everything to make her happy--it was exhausting! I remember that she caught me playing with my sister's barbies once and took me to therapy. I don't remember talking or saying anything to the therapist, she did all the talking--and I never went back--don't know why...

When I came home from my mission and wanted to start school she had issues with where I wanted to study. When I wanted to move away from home she had the bishop 'have a talk' with me about staying home. When I finally made the move to Utah the family ended up moving up later on and she had the new bishop "advise me" that I should move back into the family home. She had me kick one of my roommates out of my apartment because she and my dad thought he was too effeminate...ugh!! I can't say that she was the most happy about who I married more than probably her relief to "finally getting married". However the relationship between my X and mom was horrible. Years ago when the X and I we were having marital problems she gave me an ultimatum that I should leave everything--including my family and dedicate myself to the church and being a perfect Mormon---This pushed me over the edge and I forbade her to talk to me or come close to my family, it was horrible and of course I'm sure I projected A LOT of my issues on my X. After some therapy I made peace with a lot of these things--but they obviously resurface ever so often, say--every MOTHER's DAY?!?!  The most progress made was/is that I talk to her once a week, we exchange short pleasantries and say goodbye over the phone--5-10 minutes tops.

When I told her I was separating/divorcing I said: "Mom, you know that I'm gay; you've known this for many years. I'm not asking your permission, I'm not asking for your approval" and that was that. We're still renegotiating a lot of our roles even as adults but it is very hard. I can't bring myself to tell her I love her--I do, I really do but just thinking about saying the words makes me clam up again and I can't get them out--it sucks!  A lot of the mom issues I've had with her have obviously been passed on to the X and that's probably my fault, but I have no clue how to fix that.

I'm not even sure what I can do about it, if there's anything that can be done at this time. One of the shrinks I talked to at one point said I should write a letter with all my issues and mail it to my mom or at the very least take it somewhere and burn it or meet with her one day and talk about it long and hard, unleash all my emotions and let it all out---both suggestions easier said than done....I just don't get how the easiest, most natural relationship in the world (Mom-Child) can be such a  torment!! I see other people's relationships with their moms and while it makes me happy to see that not everyone has mommy issues, it almost makes me jealous that I don't have that.

Today (May 10th) is when Mother's day is celebrated in Mexico. I didn't make calls on Sunday so instead I called mom (5 minutes--yes) my ex-mom in law and two older aunts. By the time I was done calling people I was in tears and a wreck. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with mom next time when I see her in August I'll have to set some time aside to deal with this, although I've tried in years past (a long, long time ago) and I didn't feel like I got anywhere--so we'll see. I guess that while I respect the role of moms and women in life I have to refrain from being too congratulatory and excited about mother's day. This posting has already gone too long already and if anyone is still reading this far I admire you. I just have the hardest time dealing with issues like this and big surprise---it doesn't stop being exhausting!!

May 07, 2011

Another item off my Bucket List

Today I ran my first ever 5K. I've had this goal in mind for a couple of years but honestly it always made me uneasy. We've heard the horror stories of people that got hurt or worse, dropped dead somewhere during the race. Last year when the babe (on the left there) told me he ran with his co-workers on the Susan Komen Race for the Cure I immediately told him: "I want to do that next year" which meant that all fears and excuses had to be put aside.

Now to some people a 5K is not a big deal, they can probably run it in their sleep. I was the biggest couch potato, I would run out of breath just walking up the stairs at work. I would pretend to go to the gym and run for 1 mile but most of it was fast walking. I knew that if I really wanted to do this I HAD to get some serious dedication and prepare, because unless you're young and in perfect physical shape, no one just gets up and runs a 5K out of nowhere. So I had been running, figuring out routes and playing with distances, inclination, terrains. When I hurt my knee two months ago I wasn't going to let that stop me.

My goal was to make it in less than 30 minutes. I went to bed last night with a lot of anticipation and a little anxiety. I woke up this morning around 5:00 am feeling like a kid that was going to Disneyland! We finally made it to the race and when it was time to start running my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. I ran the first mile pretty much alongside the babe and I started feeling tired. Almost a mile 1/2 into it he started pulling ahead and I had to let him go ahead of me. By the second mile I started counting the distance in blocks and telling myself, just make it another block, you can do this. By the time I made it back to the Gateway and I turned the corner I didn't think that I could do it, then saw the 3 mile marker and it gave me my last wind. I crossed the 5K line at about 28 minutes and I saw the babe waiting for me just after the end line and all I could do was fall in his arms and cry. I DID IT! Wow, I couldn't believe it--one of my proudest moments and another item off my bucket list!

My legs felt like Jello for a couple of hours. I posted some pictures on  like the one above on Facebook. I had never posted pictures of the babe before--not that I was ashamed, I just wanted to respect his privacy since he doesn't Facebook so to a lot of people this is also sort of a public 'coming out' yet I'm still not announcing anything, it just is what it is and I've decided to stop censoring my posts from now on and let whatever happens, happen. So I'm excited, tired but most of all feel this sense of satisfaction that I was able to do this and accomplish something that even a couple of years ago seemed so impossible!

May 05, 2011

¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

I was going to post a picture from when I used to do Mexican Folk Dancing but that was such a long time ago (and 30 pounds earlier oddly enough) so instead I'll just post this instead:

May 04, 2011

Google Chrome: It Gets Better

I was watching Glee last night with the babe and out of nowhere, this commercial comes on. It was quite moving and we were just about left in tears. It was nice to log on to Facebook this morning and see all the nice comments and reactions that The Trevor Project is getting. LOVE IT!!