March 04, 2014

Things that keep me awake at night...

It has been a while since I've written.

I doubt that it is because of lack of things to talk about. Since the last time I wrote on here Utah and several other states have jumped head on the Marriage Equality fray and depending on who you talk to the cause will either prevail or fail; many people have become accidental activists because of this, can't wait to see how it all unravels.

Work has been insane to say the least, but keeps me on my toes, thankfully. Things on the home front are okay, we've taken on the stance that this year will be the year to travel a little, so far we've taken a long weekend to Vegas and more possible adventures to come...

My daughter requested a few months ago to cut back on our weekly visits which I initially struggled but have since realized that our visits now have become more about quality than the quantity. Still as a parent I often times feel ill-equipped to handle the curb-balls that parenting throws at me. When I lived with my children full time I felt I had a good handle on their lives, their needs and I could be there to help them with anything. Since the separation/divorce years ago that has stopped. I've had to learned to let go of many things, sometimes guilt sets in (sometimes others love to impose it on me--but that's a whole other story....).

Still--there are times when I look at my children and I see well-adjusted people muddling through life like everyone else and then I see things like this, often times posted at 2 or 3 in the morning by my 19yr old son:

Immediately followed by panic, what can I do, how can I comfort him, make his life better, what drove him to write that? Guilt, rationalization, processing... In the end I conclude he knows he can ask for my help if he really needs it; after all--what were my own thoughts when I was his age? The difference is I didn't have social media to sort through my vague thoughts...such is life.

I suppose in the order of probabilities the things that keep me awake at night are minor--they could always be worse, and I realize they are for others. I'm extremely lucky in many senses and the small moments of wavering confidence come and go...just had to get that out today, but I guess I have to ask:

What keeps you awake at night?