The Mommy Roller Coaster

This is a hard post to write...

I don't know if any of my relatives or people that know my mom read this and if it might get back to her. I'm not the biggest fan of Mother's day. Yes I admit to having severe mommy issues... but then again, who doesn't? I am not sure where these issues stem from. From what I understand I was such a momma's boy, always clinging to her skirt. I was cared for and pampered by the females of my maternal family (aunts and cousins). When my parents separated I went to live with my biological father for the next six years and I only saw my mother once in that time and went back to live with her in my early teens. I read somewhere that during that time living at my dad's I likely experienced some form of Attachment Disorder although this is much more common in younger children--I have no scientific evidence for this so it is just my own opinion/conclusion.

As I learned to live again with a mom a lot of emotional connections were lost. I remember clamming  up and not knowing how to react when she'd have a blow up over something I may or may not have done during my teens. I would just stand there while she yelled and threw things and I had no reaction for her, good or bad. I couldn't yell back, I couldn't cry, I just stood there and said nothing. Since I hated making her mad I dedicated my life to pleasing her with good boy words and actions. I could never say anything wrong or that would contradict her and I would do everything possible (cleaning the kitchen, the house, the yard) and pitching in every possible way to not making her mad and of course being the perfect Mormon son who did everything to make her happy--it was exhausting! I remember that she caught me playing with my sister's barbies once and took me to therapy. I don't remember talking or saying anything to the therapist, she did all the talking--and I never went back--don't know why...

When I came home from my mission and wanted to start school she had issues with where I wanted to study. When I wanted to move away from home she had the bishop 'have a talk' with me about staying home. When I finally made the move to Utah the family ended up moving up later on and she had the new bishop "advise me" that I should move back into the family home. She had me kick one of my roommates out of my apartment because she and my dad thought he was too effeminate...ugh!! I can't say that she was the most happy about who I married more than probably her relief to "finally getting married". However the relationship between my X and mom was horrible. Years ago when the X and I we were having marital problems she gave me an ultimatum that I should leave everything--including my family and dedicate myself to the church and being a perfect Mormon---This pushed me over the edge and I forbade her to talk to me or come close to my family, it was horrible and of course I'm sure I projected A LOT of my issues on my X. After some therapy I made peace with a lot of these things--but they obviously resurface ever so often, say--every MOTHER's DAY?!?!  The most progress made was/is that I talk to her once a week, we exchange short pleasantries and say goodbye over the phone--5-10 minutes tops.

When I told her I was separating/divorcing I said: "Mom, you know that I'm gay; you've known this for many years. I'm not asking your permission, I'm not asking for your approval" and that was that. We're still renegotiating a lot of our roles even as adults but it is very hard. I can't bring myself to tell her I love her--I do, I really do but just thinking about saying the words makes me clam up again and I can't get them out--it sucks!  A lot of the mom issues I've had with her have obviously been passed on to the X and that's probably my fault, but I have no clue how to fix that.

I'm not even sure what I can do about it, if there's anything that can be done at this time. One of the shrinks I talked to at one point said I should write a letter with all my issues and mail it to my mom or at the very least take it somewhere and burn it or meet with her one day and talk about it long and hard, unleash all my emotions and let it all out---both suggestions easier said than done....I just don't get how the easiest, most natural relationship in the world (Mom-Child) can be such a  torment!! I see other people's relationships with their moms and while it makes me happy to see that not everyone has mommy issues, it almost makes me jealous that I don't have that.

Today (May 10th) is when Mother's day is celebrated in Mexico. I didn't make calls on Sunday so instead I called mom (5 minutes--yes) my ex-mom in law and two older aunts. By the time I was done calling people I was in tears and a wreck. I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with mom next time when I see her in August I'll have to set some time aside to deal with this, although I've tried in years past (a long, long time ago) and I didn't feel like I got anywhere--so we'll see. I guess that while I respect the role of moms and women in life I have to refrain from being too congratulatory and excited about mother's day. This posting has already gone too long already and if anyone is still reading this far I admire you. I just have the hardest time dealing with issues like this and big surprise---it doesn't stop being exhausting!!