April 10, 2011

Coming out to God?

I've had this love/hate relationship with God or the concept of God anyway. I've been very vocal in the past but so far had not really had one of those Come To Jesus Awakenings that people talk about and for better or worse have concluded that I'm somewhere between a Quasi-believer and a Hopeful Agnostic, I suppose it helps me keep the concept somewhere in my sleeve should the opportunity ever arise to need a favor, a miracle or blessing or for those times when someone says: "Please pray for _______".

I went to see a friend sing in a concert last night in one a small Christian church. The concert was good, certainly not something that I'm used to seeing or attending all the time, but just different. There were the standard "Amens" being shouted out ever so often that I'm not sure if I find them uncomfortable or just plain distracting. The songs were of course of praise to Jesus and all that is good, saving souls, curing people from illness and affliction of all kinds and at the end they asked people if they wanted to pray there'd be people available to pray individually with them. Of course I didn't go up but I have to say that I enjoyed the stories and the music.

Towards the end of the concert I heard the phrase: "I didn't have to come out to God, he knew me then, he knows me now, he knows my heart and I'm his creation--" and caught me by surprise. I remember those dark days way back when I used to loathe myself, thinking how scared, lost and alone I felt because in my mind the only way to hide my "condition" was to keep it to myself and not ever let it out. You can imagine the pain I felt when I'd hear things like "let your light so shine before men" and me thinking: "There's no light to shed here, if anyone knew what I have to share they wouldn't like it"... yeah I know such are the thoughts of being scared and lonely in the closet--or something like it anyway.

I suppose I had felt it before, but until last night it the thought that God could possibly know me, be there for me or just there looking out for me--the real me without conditions or because of covenants I had made-- had not really sank in. Back when I was a strong believer (LDS-style of course) I always pictured God as a loving father who knew, loved and cared for his children, but I suppose I never thought of him in the context of being one of the children he loved because I wasn't like the rest and perhaps there were explicit conditions for his love---now I think I understand it better but I also have some self-reflexion and thinking to do. Funny how somethings just catch you by surprise. I can't say that I'm more of a believer or still agnostic still. I guess this will be something I'll have to continue during my life, finding just where is it that I fit in with God. If you have had anything similar or even if you've had something of a confirmation, epiphany please share?


  1. This is beautiful, Miguel. Thank you for sharing. And thank you for reminding me that, if I am to find God, I must seek Him as I truly am, not as I think I should be.

  2. I don't have any wonderful words for you. I just wanted to share that I always had an image of God that loved conditionally. I thought he loved everyone EXCEPT me. I was the ONLY mistake in His plan. I had no reason to believe that but for years I did. Then one day I admitted to myself that I am a gay woman and everything changed. All of a sudden I liked myself and stopped the self destructive behaviors. And that was when my view of God changed. It suddenly all added up in my mind... God loves me just as He loves everyone else. He created me this way and He doesn't want me to change! It's still confusing at times, that my gay revelation was what changed my view of God, but it's been the best feeling in the world!