March 12, 2011

So what is it really about?

I have been following the answers that my friend Invictus Pilgrim and others have posted to the anonymous question from his blog. This is the question (so I don't make a mistake in paraphrasing it wrong):

“Sincere question for you here … Assuming you're 45, and will live to be 76, you're approximately 60% of the way through your life. Up to this point, you've been a faithful member of the Church, paid your tithing, etc. So, you've only got 40% of life to go and if you can just keep on the path for that last stretch, you'll very likely receive exaltation and be together with your family, as the LDS Church teaches.  On the other hand, if you choose to live a homosexual lifestyle, you've got, on average, 31 years (assuming you're 45) left. Keeping in mind that after 65 you're pretty much "old" (no offense intended) which brings the "wild oats" years down to roughly 20. Are those 20 years worth it … [i.e.,] worth what you're giving up?”

I debated whether to post my own response or not, but decided I needed to do it. First off I love how as LDS church members we somehow feel that we have the right to make assumptions about people, their lives and their choices. I suppose it comes from being the most righteous and worthy of people on earth and owning the copyright to salvation, but hey, what do I know?

The part that I really want to comment on is about the "wild oats". I am not sure what that means but if it means sex, well being gay is not only about sex or who I have it with, is being straight only about sex? If I have learned anything about this coming out process is that it is more about being me, being true to myself--and others and comfortable with who I am. Being gay to me means that I don't have to hide behind the facade of being over-righteous or religious, or living unhappy in a relationship that doesn't work for me---and yes--I'm very aware that gay guys are also capable of being in unhappy relationships as well. It means that I can finally be me!!

I understand that before I got married I should have answered many of those questions but again, when your life is pretty much prescribed for you, knowing around which ages to date, go on a mission, marry, etc, etc very little of a person is left to self-discovery and expression. I really admire those who were able to figure these things out before making a mess out of my own, my X's and my kids, but if I were to just settle for what I have/had and what's prescribed then what would be the purpose of fulfilling the measure of my creation?--or wait, is that just another couplet that applies upon my strict and unquestionable adherence to the church's policies? Why can't that work in every aspect of life?

But I believe that the answer to the anonymous question has many more layers:

Why do people move if they already live somewhere?
Why do people change careers if they're unhappy in their job?
Why do people change religions--oh wait, that's OK if they give up their religion to become LDS, right?)
Why do people get married?
Why do people have children?
Why do people get divorced?
Why do people rock the boat?
Why do we all feel like the grass is always greener somewhere else?

I think the answer is that we're always searching for that something that seems and feels better than what we have. If we stopped searching for happiness we would have a sad existence, even if that search took us places that we didn't expect. That's part of the magic!

But again, what do I know, right?


  1. Thanks for adding your voice to this discussion, Miguel. I liked everything you wrote, but I particularly liked this insightful comment: "When your life is pretty much prescribed for you, knowing around which ages to date, go on a mission, marry, etc, etc very little of a person is left to self-discovery and expression." How true this is - not only for young Mormons, but also more mature ones. Thanks for this insight.

  2. I like your response to the question. Change is hard and the process is not always pleasant but it is out of hope for a better tomorrow that we go through it. I am glad I am gay but being where I am out now was not very easy at first. But it was worth it

  3. Thanks IP & Cinder.

    I know it is hard to step in other's shoes and feel what they feel, it is a human thing but I believe that we learn to respect people more when we try to at least know that their feelings are as real as ours. Thanks again for your comments!