Mixed Orientation Marriages (MOM)

There's been a lot of buzz about this topic lately.

I suppose I could list all of the links to the different posts and discussions about it, not sure if I can even keep up and frankly, I don't know what that would accomplish. I tried abstaining from making an opinion about these stories because first I wanted to process what it all meant and if I honestly had a say on the topic at this point in my life.

Turns out maybe I do!!

I think I'm going to summarize my feelings in a couple of sentences (Okay, they ended up being paragraphs--I tried my best). First off, I'm glad that a lot of guys felt comfortable enough to let their future wives know that they were gay. If I had a time machine that is the ONE THING in life I would go back and do-over---keeping something like this to myself and not telling my now ex-wife was huge mistake--granted she said once that had I come out to her when we were dating she wouldn't have married me and that's fair. I admire the women who in-spite of knowing about their guys they still want to marry them--is it faith? is it being naive? is it being a realist? I don't know if they're aware what they're giving up...I suppose only they can answer for themselves and it still is much better to know that one is entering into a Mixed-Orientation Marriage consciously rather than only one party being semi-aware what it all means...

Hell, even being semi-aware, I spent 15 years in one!!


But once the awareness of one spouse being gay is out, there's always the proverbial  rainbow elephant in the room that everyone knows is there as much as they would like to ignore it. Some people have described this as coming out only to drag one's spouse (and potentially other family) into a closet of their own. There's feelings of self-worth, inadequacy, lack of trust, confusion that weigh horribly on two people who are merely trying to have a relationship without knowing why are the square pegs are not fitting in the round holes.

For any of these Mixed Orientation Marriages that claim to be doing alright (maybe 3-4) who knows maybe there's lot of them who are not as vocal and open-- there are at least 20 marriages that I'm personally aware that are either breaking up or didn't make it--and the list grows, the numbers on the Utah gay father's group expands more and more each time and 99% of them came from these kinds of marriages--bottom line, even for someone with poor math skills like me, the odds don't look so good, I hope there's a lesson to be learned from this. Some of these marriages have ended up amicably and some not-so amicably at a great price and suffering from all parties involved (spouses, children, etc).

Of course, I can stand here and write about this now. What do they say, hindsight is always 20/20?

Still knowing what I know now and knowing how I felt and thought back when I was venturing into marriage, reading about club unicorn of these modern days, it would have probably made my decision much more clear that if these guys could do it, heck, I can do it too!!--which could very well be the underlying message coming from these guys and at least it seems to be the meta-message heard by plenty of people out there; sure they say it is THEIR life, THEIR choices and THEIR marriages, but where I think they do a disservice is when they stop short of acknowledging that they're aware of the odds and risks and that all other forms of relationships--not just theirs--is as valid without having to comply with any society or traditions--for those that do, more power to them and God bless them!

Let's face it, relationships are hard even if the person you love has the right body parts--but that may be a posting of its own someday, I think I've said too much already...

Time flies when you're having flan...

 

I haven't done a good job at updating this blog, life has been busy and yes--some of it did include having Flan, in case you were wondering...

Last month came and went so fast I was having a hard time keeping up:

--I made Flan for a Spicy Dinner potluck in May and won the prize for best dessert, yeah!!!

--Between wrapping up the last apartment contract, setting up the new one and everything in between, the move to the new place finally happened. Combining two households was kind of fun, probably because aside from clothes and a couple of pieces of furniture, I got rid of almost anything that wasn't worth bringing to the new place. I'm glad I was able to take a week off work so things were not as hectic and was somehow able to pace things a little better. I was happy that Jeff would pack some of his stuff, bring it over and then I'd open the box and have a mini-Christmas morning episode opening boxes, unpacking and putting away pretty dishes and things! :-) 

--My son turned 18 one week and graduated the next one. His birthday dinner was nice, he chose Brazilian food--we had a great time. The next week I came up to his high school graduation and when I saw him wearing his cap and gown I just held him and I started crying--my baby boy made it through this milestone--I spent the commencement ceremony 1/2 crying and remembering how hard he has worked to get there.

--Pride 2012 came and went--had a lot of fun meeting new friends and seeing some that I don't get to see often. One of the things that I love about Pride is watching some of the new guys on the Utah Gay Father's group who have either recently come out or are in the process attend their first Pride festival, parade or event--it really must be what watching an angel get his wings must be like in my mind--it is nice to watch someone else go through that experience. It was way fun to volunteer, march and be completely exhausted by the end of the event, all great feelings.

Life is now back to normal--well I don't know that life has ever been normal--if someone knows what that is, please let me know, ha! But at least we're getting into routines and while Jeff and I are navigating through the newness of being/living together and all that it entails I'm especially excited to move forward with this part of my life--excited is probably not the right word, I'm ecstatic that this is happening to me! I'm one lucky man.  Who'd knew that 3 years ago I'd be in this place and I for one can't wipe the silly grin off my face!

Here's to moving on to bigger and better things, that's for sure!!!!

The ackward moment when I pinched a straight man's butt

                                                           

Last Friday I went to a wine-tasting party. I had never been to an actual event where different wines were tasted and scored according to colors, aromas, consistency, etc, etc. Who knew that there were so many things to judge wine for? I tried to keeping up as the bottles were being passed and explanations were given, until about the 4th of 5th serving--then I don't know what happened to my score card...

I don't think I had met a lot of the folks who were at this party. I get chatty when I'm buzzed (well I'm chatty even if I'm sober), but this time there were more people to meet and I just naturally start asking questions from them to get to know them and find some common ground, so I tried my best to work my way around the room to get a chance to strike a conversation with other attendees.

I was talking to a guy that is just now starting to navigate through the coming out process and figuring out what is like to be an out-gay man. He had been telling me about his efforts to try groups that wouldn't necessarily have him change his orientation, but rather be comfortable in his own skin and basically stay celibate (I don't know if this is an LDS-oriented organization or not). Anyway he is finally in a place where he wants to be out, proud and live his life. I was telling him that it was eye-opening for me when I first came out and was told that people are flirty, some touching (like hugging) and like banter and such-- but it didn't mean anything serious, it was just that-- and now I get to share that with newly gays--yes, that's my small contribution to humanity--thank you very much!

As we were involved in our discussion a young guy that I had not had a chance to meet came by to refill his drink and I said: "See, so if I pinch this guy's butt, it is just for fun--nothing wrong with it" so the young guy turns around and lets me do it--he stays behind and starts chatting with us, turns out he is a BYU student who likes to get out of Utah County to breathe and find fun places to hang out that are not restrictive and suffocating. He is almost done with school so he only has to endure a few more months and then he said: "oh, by the way, I'm straight"---at which time I felt horribly embarrassed and apologized profusely for pinching his butt--he found this more amusing and he said it was alright, he didn't mind the attention, loves his gay friends and is used to it without feeling like his masculinity/orientation is being threatened--how refreshing is that?!?!?!

Anyway, my point here is that sometimes we assume things from people--we may be right, but sometimes we just never know and it is nice to be pleasantly surprised. Had a great time and left after the buzz wore off---oh yeah I still have no clue what happened to my score card, but I sure as heck know which wines I had seconds of and which ones I liked best; new friends, new experiences--love evenings like that!!

Visiting Temple Square

 

A friend came to visit Salt Lake recently and while thinking of the many different places to show him around town Temple Square was on the MUST-DO list. On the way to Temple Square we stopped by Brigham Young's grave site which is only about a block away. While trying to explain to this friend who is buried there and why all the last names were Young = a lot of his wives were buried there which brought on the awkward discussion on Polygamy and then I thought: "Boy this isn't only hard to explain but it is also hard to wrap my head around it now"

Temple Square itself it was fun; it was the middle of a Saturday so it was fun to watch Brideappalooza going on and the bustle of all the weddings going on. I didn't take many pictures but one of the statutes there called my attention, Joseph and Emma Smith--I'm sure I've seen it before but hadn't really paid attention before. I'm sure there's plenty of meaning to this statute and it paints a picture of perfection in many ways (perfect man, perfect woman, perfect marriage, etc).

I really don't want to get all anti-Mormon here--it really isn't my gig, I just found it odd--and maybe a little ironic that while there's a statue of of Joseph and Emma smack in the middle of the plaza, Eliza R Snow who was allegedly one of Joseph Smith's polygamist wives and then became one of Brigham Young's polygamist wives is buried about a block away--in another lifetime the thought would have probably never crossed my mind. However, nowadays with all of the attention that the LDS Church is getting with the Republican Presidential candidate and people searching to learn about the Mormon Church it occurs to me just how are the leaders going to deal with all of the "non-official" history that is really out there for the world to see.

Still, we had a good visit at Temple Square and walked over to the new City Creek mall where I saw a gay couple holding hands and more than a few tattooed folks and it was no big deal--at least not to anyone I was observing at the time. I guess my point here is that there are a lot of things in my life that are changing. Some affect me in lots of ways, some have not affected me in a long time and there are those that every now and then I discover in unexpected ways.

I guess it is called life...

Utah State Legislature Strikes Again

I have to admit that as much as I should be involved in the political process I am not as comfortable navigating in the mess that appears to be a legislative session in the State of Utah, but it doesn't take a genius to know that some of the laws that passed this session are just a little far-fetched. 

That's the case of House Bill 363 which basically teaches abstinence as the only recommended form of sex education and prohibits teachers to teach anything else. Not to be a negative voice of the people here, but I understand that the primary job for teaching children about sex belongs to the parents and I don't think anyone disagrees with me. However where I have a problem is that a lot of Utah parents are not interested in discussing sexual topics with their children--in any context and it could very well be that the parent chooses to call themselves conservative, but at least from my point of view (where I have teenage children myself) I don't think that a parent can afford to dig their head in the sand not address all of the good and bad issues of sex and hope that their kids will somehow choose to make the right decisions based on morals or what's being assumed as the popular belief. 

There's an online petition going around that has surpassed 40,000 signatures in which people are asking the governor to veto the bill, which might or might not make any difference because 1. The governor may ignore everyone's opinion and sign it into law, or 2. He might veto it which only means that the legislature might reconvene and override it--which leaves everyone pretty much in the same place

I think the state of Utah (or is it just the legislators?) must seem really backwards in this regard to the rest of the world when in reality is a pretty amazing place to live, great opportunities for outdoor recreation pretty much year around and great diversity---we just need to make the people who really help move all the crazy stuff die off fast and have the more open-minded folks take over; or simply involve more people in the political process and make it a more balanced system. 

I hope that at least those who dare make a statement show that slowly but surely Utah is starting to turn things around and becoming more than one-sided, right-wing, red state....until then, we may just have to be patient!!!