A couple of weeks ago I received 3 messages from people: "Hey, the mission president wants to have a reunion, why don't you come?" or some variation of that.
I joked with 1 of the messengers:
Me: "Sure, can I bring the husband along?"
Messenger: "I don't see why not"
Me: "You're right--I don't see why not--I'll plan on it"
I then informed the husband what the plan was and he was fully on board joining me. My thoughts at the time were that it has been a long, long time since I'd seen anyone from the mission and surely 30+ years later, I don't know how much longer the president/wife will be around and I honestly did think how little things like me not being an active Mormon (or a member at all), being totally out and having a husband would not be a big deal, right?
Right?
I am out on social media--those that are friends with me from the mission days know, I don't hide anything and while we don't really talk about it and I had decided when I came out that I wasn't going to live different lives. Aside from maybe Pride and National Coming out Day I honestly don't spend lots of time flaunting rainbow flags, etc. Being gay is just a part of who I am just as much as being a former missionary, a dad, a worker, a human etc.
I didn't think much more of it until the morning of the reunion when I felt cold feet. I messaged a few friends to ask their opinion. Most of their opinions were why would I bother going to a place where I haven't seen anyone i n years, have nothing in common and put myself in a place where I might incur the judgement and wrath of someone who might be self-righteous?
Let alone in the middle of a pandemic.
I'll admit to having at least morbid curiosity about attending.
Only one friend was of the opinion that it was a good idea and that a gay couple in the middle of all those Mormons would be a good thing.
By noon, I made the decision not to go--I think the cons outweighed the pros and I basically chickened out. I saw some pictures the next day, but part of me wished I had gone.
I can't figure out what gave me the feeling that I missed out (while logically this all makes no sense!).
Do I still want to be liked and get approval from people that mean nothing to me?
I don't know how others feel, but after all is said and done, I don't regret having gone on a mission--I honestly didn't have anything better to do with my life at the time. It was a huge influence in my life, for future life decisions and unlike others, I don't feel like many that it was the BEST TWO YEARS--nah, but it also wasn't the worst two years either.
On the other hand, I don't feel the need to relive the glory days of being 20 and thinking I knew everything there was to know about life, religion and spirituality--(as if!). I did talk to someone that reassured me that there was self-righteous talk, after all--it is a Mormon mission reunion--duh!
I don't even know why I felt the need to write about it, so here I am.
If anyone reads this, in my situation--what would you have done?
My president held a reunion several years back, but I didn't go either. It wasn't because of the gay thing, it was because he made it very clear to me that he couldn't stand me. I too saw pictures on Facebook and sort of wished I had attended, but in the end I'm glad I didn't. It would have been another blow to my self-esteem. I'm glad I didn't give that man another chance to make me feel less about myself. He's just one of many people in my past that I've felt the need to cut out of my life. Not because of how they treated me for being gay, rather because they were generally just toxic.
ReplyDelete