May 22, 2013

No Place At The Table...



 
Yesterday afternoon I was riding trax (the lightrail system in Salt Lake City) home and at a certain station, a bunch of missionaries heading out to their assignment got on the train dragging big suitcases. Turns out that instead of being bussed from Provo to the airport, they're pretty much handed a train ticket and sent to catch their flight at the airport on their own--interesting change.
Anyway, once they managed to get in and set their stuff down a couple of them sat nearby and a conversation started almost immediately: where are you going--(these ones are assigned to Cambodia), where are you from, etc, etc, etc. One missionary asked me where I was from and after the normal formalities he asked if I attended church. I said that I don't; he asked if he could know why? I answered "I'm assuming if you're asking me why I don't attend the LDS church and I'll tell you it is because I'm gay and there's no place for me at the table..."
 
The look on his companion went from friendly to a little guarded to serious, but they both still kept the conversation going, it wasn't many stations before I got off the train, but the one chatty elder kept asking some follow up questions and my answer kept revolving around: "there's no room for me at the LDS table, I don't fit in as a gay individual, much less with a partner on your Plan of Salvation elder, think about it--how do I fit in when all the talk is about mom, dad, 3.2 kids and all happily ever after each Sunday in church?".
 
I don't think he was prepared to hear that, but he still managed to say, "God still loves you" and I think he was surprised to hear from me that I know that, I've felt God's love and care for me and that my life is good, I manage to live a full life, I contribute to society, I told them I realize that the LDS church is leaps and bounds from where it was even years ago when the only answer I could get to deal with my situation was to get married hoping to heal it, but lots more needed to be done and I told them: "when you two are apostles, please make it happen so I have a place at your table, until then, there's not a lot that interests me there" at which time they smiled, my stop came, I wished them well and got off the train.
 
I thought about my encounter for a while. Even a few years back I would have never dared tell a complete stranger, let alone a set of LDS missionaries that I am gay and feel as confident expressing myself as anything in life and I honestly don't feel the anxiety I used to feel before talking about it. To me that is a good thing and I've come a long ways; but the bottom line is that indeed there's no place for me at the LDS table--I know a lot of people try to find a place in their own terms perhaps, or based on whatever the church is willing to give them--not me, no thanks--I will NOT fight for a place where all I can hope to do is a figurative place as a server, a cleaner or licking the crumbs that fall on the floor (in the figurative sense again--I don't want church scraps).
 
It is what it is and I'm quite content with my life to beg for full recognition in a place where it doesn't exist, regardless of what people may want me to believe otherwise and well, I've made a life outside that is just as worthwhile without needing their validation--that is a huge thing for me. I know staying in the church helps a lot of people change it from within and hoping something will change sometime and that is great, but I find no use in it...it is what it is.

7 comments:

  1. I agree completely with you on this topic. There is no place for me at the table, either.

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  2. Thanks for your comment Dean,

    At times these thoughts make me sad because I spent so much time, effort, sweat, tears working to belong and at times the same thought is freeing--so weird!
    Hugs,Miguel

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  3. Isn't it interesting to see how far we come in our acceptance of what others might think of us? I know I accepted myself a while ago, but I wasn't for others to know about me. It all comes in time. :)

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  4. And even as they try to pretend that they are making room for us at the table, it's the 2nd class kids' table off to the side.

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  5. Hi Trevor,

    Yes, I'm actually amazed that I don't have issue saying I'm gay, something like that would have made me break out in hives or hide under a table in the fetal position, now I don't make an issue of how others feel, it is for them to process...

    Hello Dadsprimalscream:
    I found this to be the best way to illustrate not fitting in the LDS church and the easiest way for people to at least get a snap-shot of what it all means in the big picture and it is true, no matter how it may be spinned, kids table, off to the side is just not how I want to be treated, giving as it seems (it isn't!)

    Hugs,Miguel

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  6. The thing is, I admit it. I like to argue and debate. As such, Mormon blogs about gay (male) Mormons married to women and trying to convince themselves that all is well (have you seen some of the North Star Voices of hope videos?) are an easy place to go. My bad probably for stirring them up. It's not particularly compassionate on my part.
    All that said, the idea that any religion would have the gall really to decide who is worthy and not worthy to sit at God's table, goes beyond merely the love of arguing for me. That one gets me in the gut or even deeper than that, to the core. It makes me grieve. I attend a very small United Church (I live in Canada, not sure what the equivalent is in the U.S.). Every communion the lesbian minister makes a point of saying that this is God's table and all are welcome. Alas, there are many lesbian and gay United church ministers because sadly very few other denominations will allow them.
    Mormonism and other religions, by not allowing all at the table, are practicing a form of apartheid really.

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  7. Thanks for your thoughts Anonymous--you are spot on with your assessment: "any religion would have the gall really to decide who is worthy and not worthy to sit at God's table, goes beyond merely the love of arguing" so true!
    Hugs,Miguel

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