Labeling Families

It's been a while since I last updated this blog. Part of me feels like I may have moved on enough to let all Moho things go, but almost without a doubt, every April and October topics of general discussion revolve around whatever someone has said at the LDS Church General Conference, sure a lot has to do with the place I live, I get it and then I don't really get it.

For the record, I stopped minding what is said there a long time ago, most of it does not affect me and frankly most of it is repetitive in nature. The only conscious thing I do during GC is to avoid driving downtown--it is usually a madhouse there--besides I rely on the news to re-cap something that might be considered outstanding (new temples announced, etc).  I also see some of the feed on friend's Facebook posts--this might sound harsh, but even as a believing member I don't recall paying so much attention to most of what was said in General Conference as I see a lot of Ex-Mormons and Mohos do. Is it that we may be looking for key words to incite controversy? I am not sure...

I responded to one friend's rant about the latest controversy of someone or other calling some types of family "counterfeit" by noting that it has been a while since most of what is said up there means much to me, good or bad. I certainly don't allow my life to be guided by what they say, I don't define my relationship based on what they think. I'm more or less at the point of let the haters spew perceived hate (or whatever) and I don't give them credit one way or the other--so why do others still allow that?

I have read from some posters that they're complaining on behalf of anyone-- perhaps that kid or a grownup in the closet that might feel angst and might go into depression or suicide attempts after hearing those words--I get it, I would like to think there's validity to this issue, is there more that could be done, do we all have an obligation to do something?

Where is the balance?

I really don't have the drive to become an activist at this point, I really don't--I appreciate those who find it in themselves to scream and shout and let it all out--after all, most changes have not happened because someone just sits back... Sure, there's things that rub me the wrong way if I look hard enough just about anywhere, but that's just not my personality. In my mind there's more to be said by letting things be, don't give haters the time of day by propagating their messages, sharing what someone might say that is offensive and spend my time doing better things with my life.

Is it apathy?

Is it carelessness?

Is there a point where I should rise up with the masses and burn my proverbial bra in protest?

I honestly don't know...

I realize now that the topic of this post & picture really don't have much to do with what I actually wrote...

How do you feel, if you made it this far down?

It IS a big deal and it is NOT a big deal...

Two weeks ago (yes I'm late writing about it)--I got to work and things went haywire on Social media as the US Supreme Court had decided that they did not want to hear anything about the State of Utah's appeal for equality marriage, therefore making the Federal District Court's decision stand, no more appeals and no more waiting:

Gay marriage was/is finally legal in my home-state of Utah!!

Of course it is a big deal--the media was probably expecting the rush of couples racing to the court house, it was interesting to watch the broadcasts of the county buildings with only a handful of couples but otherwise not a big rush like what we were seeing in December, it is a big deal because of all the controversy involved in a conservative state like Utah where one religious entity still appears to call many of the shots at several levels of life. It is a big deal because no matter how vocal some people are, it is the new law of the land, much sooner than anyone expected.

The reason I don't necessarily think it is a big deal is that equality marriage has been happening for more than 10 years in many countries and US States, governments have somehow managed to still operate, life has adapted and moved on--the world did not stop turning. It is a formality of things that we've seen coming for a while. I don't think it should be confusing what to do with rules, statutes and current laws because--well, this has been happening already. I hear the voices of "what if churches are obligated to perform same-sex marriages under the new law?" (they're not, by the way)--and even if for some weird notion were, why would I go ask a religious leader of a church that does not accept me to do it?

 

So my stance is that it is a good thing, we've been waiting for it, we'll move on--isn't that how it happens elsewhere? Why is Utah any different? Of course people have asked about why aren't we rushing, when is the date, what's the plan? We have talked about getting married but it is still very much a discussion right now. I've had this conversation with my kids and both are pretty supportive. Still, our lives are such at this moment that it isn't a huge rush to have to make a decision

BUT

If we were to decide to get married it is great to know that it is a valid and available option for me, my partner and many other people in whatever situation they live. I realize that there are certain benefits that we want to take advantages of and many rights that we would not have otherwise and when the right time comes--it isn't a question of if, but when and we'll go from there.

 

What does need to happen is for people--myself included--to stop calling it "Same-sex-marriage, equality marriage, gay marriage, non-traditional marriage, traditional marriage, heterosexual marriage" and just call it "Marriage"--I can get on board with that!

Whirlwind of events and emotions...

I had the fortune to spend two weeks out of the last month traveling with my children--in an ideal world I would have taken them both and my partner together on all the trips; however, situations were such that I was only able to go with one kid at a time--but that also made for some really needed 1-1 time with each of them--Jeff was very supportive of me doing this so I was glad he understood the circumstances and how it all evolved.


The first round was traveling with my 15yr old daughter for a trip I had promised her in lieu of not being able to celebrate her Quinceañera (Latin version of a sweet sixteen) and it was our way to celebrate. I was hoping to be able to have time to talk to her about some things that we never had a chance to do during the separation/divorce, things from my point of view, when I had been told not to discuss 'my gay life' with her, things about her life, her point of view on many things and get a general feeling of where she is/was. Let's just say  that being stuck in airplanes for a long time sure helped--we had many heart-to-heart discussions, no limits on topics, no judgements.

She blew me away on her views on the world, my life, her life and how it all sort of fits together in her mind. Things that I had been worried about her that are really not issues and realized that there are things she does worry about that I had not considered. She also amazed me at what a good navigator she is--she did screen shots of places we were going to and was able to pull them up on her phone to get to places she wanted to visit--of course I'm biased--but I'm so proud of her level of maturity and how she is facing the world and how she sees life, she makes me a proud papa.

Fast-forward to the last week of July. My son asked me to come along with him on a trip--his original plans sort of fell through so he asked if I could go and I was more than happy to step in and being able to pull it off. We spent a few days trekking around, went to a sporting event he really wanted to see for a long time and just wandered. I had had many conversations with him in the past so this situation was different but we still managed to have a lot of good talks, reassure where our relationship is as a father/son and how it is evolving now that he is learning to be an adult.

He also did his homework, figuring out how we could get around, costs, times, etc--he put a lot of effort into this trip and as usual he is very easy going, just ready to take on the next place, walk for blocks, ride subways, etc & keep things flowing without a specific schedule and just enjoy the time. Sure, I'll be paying for all of this in due time, but then I read this and makes perfect sense in my head:

We certainly made a lot of good memories, and I hope to be able to make a lot more in the future, whether in similar format or whatever we are able to do. The saddest parts for me were to say goodbye to them at the airport once they were heading back to their home--it never gets easy whether it is dropping them off at their mom's house or an airplane, a parent's heart hurts just the same, I did my best to hide the tears and broke down once I didn't have them in front of me, but life goes on and so must I...

This year sure has been one to make up a lot of the past years I have not been able to travel. I had forgotten how much fun it is, but I also confess that it gets tiring, the allure of getting on an airplane does get old after a while but again, it is a small price to pay for the good times...

Transitions...whoever gets used to change?

It's been a while since I posted. Last time I did I was heading home so my partner could meet my parents and other relatives. The visit went swimmingly (as expected). When we returned from Texas we shortly headed out to Cancun for about 8 days, some of it part of a work conference for Jeff and part to explore Mayan ruins and have some beach time--it was awesome!

After the return (early May) life has been in constant change/transition. We moved, my kids are moving out of the state with their mother, my partner's father passed away; there's definitely been some changes in our lives and we've really not had a lot of time to sit and think about them.

Most of these things didn't dawn on me until someone brought it up--granted, I'm used to living in some or other form of chaos at a given time and it while it never is fun, it really sends me into auto pilot than anything else and at some point things just explode--I don't know-- I was just chalking things up to "wow--things are moving fast" but not giving much thought to the impact that each and every one of these changes have or may have. The moving part is alright, it is seemingly okay, as we move into routines it will just get better with time. The part about Jeff's dad--while sad did put his family into an unexpected mode, having to deal with preparations of the funeral, family, etc, etc and having to deal with grief all of the sudden. All I can do is be there for my partner and his family in as much as I'm able to be there for them and offer my support. I can handle that as well.

The part of my children moving away is a little trickier. My ex had mentioned the moving away part a few years ago so this isn't quite a surprise, but each summer I would just figure it may not happen again, but this time she sold her house and made all arrangements to move. Granted, my kids don't spend a lot of time with me now. My daughter is 15--what kid wants to be close to a parent that much right?!?! Yet she knows I have her back, anytime she calls/texts I'm there for her--I've made a point to show this and come through and even with the distance, I'm not planning to change that. My son is already 20, I don't have a lot of say in his decision to move but he is looking forward to new beginnings. I've been in his shoes so I don't blame him for wanting to seek out a place for himself in the world.

People have asked me how I feel about this whole thing. I really don't have much of a say (although I've already said I wish they weren't moving--like it mattered!!) but the more I think about it, the harder time I'm having dealing with my kids going away. It is one thing to have them living in the next neighborhood, then I moved 20 minutes away, now they're moving a whole state away....there's plans for us to still do things together, me and them 1-1 still--so that might just have to become the new normal....it will be alright--just one more thing to adjust in life...maybe life itself gets easier to handle, it maybe more about me dealing with life changes and curves that has become the standard...just some food for thought.

Going home...

 I'm going to do something this month that I have not done for so-very-long. I'm going home to Houston to see my parents and taking my partner with me. Last time I went to Houston in 1999 my parents actually lived in Utah so technically I have not been to my parent's Houston home for over 20 years. I realize I don't HAVE to go home but it appears that the planets have aligned and it is a good time to make it happen.

How am I feeling? Depends on the moment I'm thinking about it. There has been a lot of excitement, coupled with anxiety, some uncertainty, a couple of "breathe, man, breathe!!" moments but overall I'm excited to go back, to go home and see family and some old friends, again, it is time to just do it.

See this is the first time I'll be going home as an all-out-gay-man. Not only that, I'm bringing my partner and while most of my siblings have met Jeff, my parents have not. At this point it isn't a matter of winning their acceptance, permission, even their blessing. It is a matter of them seeing me in my present life situation and where it has taken me. Now this will not be a surprise to them--I am out to them, they know about my partner and we've had several phone conversations about all of this, in fact we're staying in their house for a few days, in the same room with their approval, so none of that will be a shock to them.

The part that freaks me out a little is the always lingering thought that one goes through in the process of coming out to a new person, a new job or in a new situation, that someone will NOT be okay with it and make things uncomfortable all around. I'm not confrontational by nature so this issue creeps in my mind to a certain extent but I am also at a point in my life where I basically don't care who accepts and who doesn't, who is comfortable and who isn't. The best way I've learned to deal with uncertain situations is to NOT make a big deal out of things in the first place and most people are able to go from there. That's what I did when my very LDS siblings and spouses came to visit a couple of years ago, that's what I did when my non-active brother and his family came to visit and that is what I do with my family and frankly, Jeff's family when we attend family events and such.

Since that's what has worked in the past, that's what will be my plan, I just need to keep this in the back of my mind and move forward:

I trust it will be a positive experience--if, for some obscure reason it turns out to not be positive, then I will have to cross that bridge when I come to it but for now, I'll just remember to breathe, breathe, breathe!!