Mormon Hyms Triggers

 

I have attended Mormon church twice in the last few weeks. I've always claimed that if anyone knows how to put on a show that tugs at heartstrings it will be the Mormons and that causes personal triggers.

Music has been a huge part of my life, I don't know how to play an instrument, I don't know how to harmonize but that has never been an issue--anyone can sing, whether you sound awful or not.

I attended a funeral, it wasn't a huge deal, I don't mind attending and I know there will be the standard preaching of the plan of salvation and how everyone needs to prepare to be together forever in heaven (that is an issue for another post, maybe) the opening song:

"I am I child of God, and he has sent me here"---my eyes swell w/tears immediately, sigh...

The next time I attend church was a missionary farewell, have to be supportive of family for things that are important to them--opening song:

"You can make the pathway bright, Fill the soul with heaven’s light, If there’s sunshine in your heart; Turning darkness into day, As the shadows fly away, If there’s sunshine in your heart today..." my eyes, my allergies, my unsuccessful effort to keep tears from rolling down...ugh, ugh!

Why is that such a trigger?

By the way, about 95% of my Mormon life was spent in Spanish wards, I don't really know most church songs in English, naturally by the end of the song I've switched to Spanish:

Vivirás en dulce paz,
alegría y solaz,
si hay gozo en tu ser,
y tu alma gozará
del amor que Dios le da,
si hay gozo en tu corazón.

Si hay gozo en tu ser,
tú podrás iluminar tu sendero al andar,
olvidando tu pesar,
si hay gozo en tu corazón.
 

I heard someone mention the term "the age of innocence"--I think that is what happens to my heart and my brain when I hear Mormon hymns--they're so freaking implanted in my psyche. Thoughts of growing up, innocent childhood, learning catchy songs, singing along--that's got to be it!!

 It isn't that I miss church, I don't miss the doctrine, the policies, the unwelcoming homophobia and many at times the front that looks like someone is being super nice when that's not really what's going on.

But I probably miss the music the most and I'll admit of being a fan of the MoTab choir and sometimes catch the broadcasts. I can go years without even thinking about it and suddenly I'll think of an old hymn, it isn't unusual for the husband and I to sing hymns together sometimes out of nowhere (shrug)

Whew! that feels good to get it out of my system! I don't think it is something to be ashamed of, just an observation of what triggers my heart and soul.

If anyone reads this:

What are your triggers?

 

 

 

Where are you from? No really--where are your originally from?

I've had the first question asked of me for more than 30 years since living in Utah.

"Where are you from?"

I used to think that it was just an innocent question--and would happily answer: "Mexico City, but grew up in Houston, Texas"

A few years ago I started thinking, is there some other meaning to this question? I figured I lived in Utah for long enough to consider it my home so I started answering: Salt Lake City, over by the West side. Surprisingly enough, I got the follow up: 

"No, really where are you from?"

"Um--well, if you must know--my family is from Mexico and I grew up in Texas, but Utah has been my home longer than any other place I've lived in, how's that?"

It almost felt like a "you're not white, surely you're from somewhere else, certainly not from Utah"--I'll admit it stung a little, but not really much--I'm not into being offended about everything so I just let things go whenever I get that question asked and to be fair, I still have an accent so it is pretty obvious I wasn't born in Utah, so there's that...

The other day a friend posted the question: "Where is home to you?" I like that question a lot more.

Maybe I blame my mother--she was sort of a nomad and I honestly she never felt home anywhere. To her home was her birthplace in Mexico City and moving around and changing scenery was never a big deal to her, I swear in the 10 years I lived in Texas we moved 10 times (maybe I exaggerate--not sure) but we sure shuffled around a lot. 

Texas never really felt like home, I love Mexico City, where I was born but Utah has a special place in my life--no other place has felt like home--not just when I was active/Mormon and believing, it continued after my church activity ended (lord knows I tried leaving a couple of times but returned to Utah), and any other lifetimes---and it still feels like home. 

I'll admit that living in Utah wasn't all flawless either--I also moved a ton--I don't even want to think of the times I moved until I landed in my current place years ago that has been home and have managed to remain still (and plan on it for several more).

But overall--Utah is home, it feels like home--I love to travel and go see new places but there's a certain level of familiarity and comfort that comes with living here, and I like it, even as an out-gay man living in a state with a predominant religion that isn't that accepting. The reality is that Salt Lake City itself is a big-ol gay-borhood and anyone who thinks otherwise is not looking.

So next time I get asked "where are you from?" I'll try blurting out "Salt Lake City" then move on to elaborating my whole life story, but I'll end up saying "Utah is home".