I've debated whether to post about this or not; after all, sharing one's vulnerabilities online is not really something that I like to do, but I also feel like people don't really talk about this stuff a lot and I feel like I kinda need an outlet.
So my mother died a little over a month ago. It wasn't unexpected, she had been fighting cancer for many years--lots of treatments, scans, radiation, chemo, side effects, many things that healthy people probably don't even realize can happen when someone is diagnosed with the big C.
I also feel like I need to explain that my mother had a personality that brought on a lot of issues to others--aside from my standard mommy issues as a gay man, there were so many other layers of issues that we dealt with: My leaving the LDS church--that was probably more traumatic for her than my coming out of the closet (since she knew that part since I was a kid and all) and other things that frankly at this point don't matter anymore. Anyway, long story short--mom and I had kept a respectful-once-a-week-call-over-the-phone relationship since she lived in another state. It was cordial but really superficial 'how's the weather, how's your health?' kind of a thing.
The point of my story--I did get a chance to say goodbye in person about a week or two before she passed. I'll admit that while there was high drama going on everywhere around mom, siblings, family and others, I think I managed to keep most of my wits about me during the trip to see her--thank heavens for my husband who was a huge help during that time and pulled me away from a few situations when I asked and was a huge support!
We made it back home and she went into a hospice center where after a few days I got the notice that she had just passed. When I heard of her passing, which I had anticipated and had told myself for years how I was going to handle things, my reaction was more or less calm but also a rush of thoughts and emotions--some good, some bad--but I still went through some emotions I was not entirely ready to process.
I noticed that friends and other family reached out, showed care, love and concern in unusual ways. Of course you have to be grateful for caring and thoughtful people who surround you with love, condolences and offers for "if you need anything". I thought about this for a while and realized that some of these people had also lost a parent and have been through the emotional rollercoaster of losing someone that significant in your life or at the very least dread someday having to deal with that situation, hence the extended empathy.
I don't think it mattered that mom and I were not the best of friends or that we were not super close as other mom-child relationships seem to be; I think at the end of the day, nothing prepares you to lose a parent, it is a hard thing to go through, I rank it up there with the high traumas of my life. I think it just sucked to lose her and I hope I will feel like I'm processing things by writing about it.
Crazy hu?
So there's been some ups and downs; a lot of the feelings have come through, maybe a song I hear and I know she loved, it may be through a picture someone posted or a note from a sibling or my step-dad who is still sorting through things. Sometimes there's tears, sometimes there's just feelings and I'll be honest, sometimes there's nothing...
I loved my mom but it was really difficult to love her at times. I know she loved me too and maybe a lot of things she did were out of love--I don't know and at this point I honestly, don't care to know. Part of me makes me feel like an ungrateful son, part of me feels like I have the right to feel any way I want and I shouldn't be making excuses for the way I chose to maintain the kind of relationship I had with her even up until the end.
Funny how humans and relationships and feelings work!
So there's that!
