Have yourself a Merry Little Christmas...

Up to a few years ago--I'm going to say 5 years I was NOT a fan of Christmas.

I won't talk about the details of how I came to hate the holidays but when someone right about September of every year would bring up drawing names for Secret Santa and how much money was expected to be spent--the rest of the time up to the day was one big anxiety attack. I recall literally going into a dark place when I would hear

I'm dreaming, of a White Christmas...

..and have literal body convulsions. It wasn't the most wonderful time of the year, it wasn't a season of love, it was everything but--I didn't want to be part of it. I used to fall for the tear-jerker movies like The Family Stone, Love Actually and others because they could make me cry and release some of that hate for the season. I actually enjoyed being called a Scrooge, a Grinch--yeah I owned that and the last thing I ever wanted to hear was a Christmas carol--none of that!!!

Move forward a couple of years after coming out, divorcing and being only in charge of my own and my kid's Christmas--money was sooooooo tight, every extra penny was spent on what to get the kids, every bit of extra credit on my card was carefully spent on something they would love--not the best of times but much, much better times--I had a much narrower purpose and I could handle that.

With time I started feeling better about the holidays--gift exchanges, showing up to events, festivals and lights were much better on my soul--but there was a piece of me that I couldn't shake off: Christmas Carols--I still had the same retching sensation when I'd  hear the first one of the season. I wanted to be home for Christmas, I wanted the Snow and Mistletoe and presents on the tree... I didn't want to have a Blue Christmas and oh lord--don't even throw Christmas shoes into that mix--I was trying to re-build my life with a new love, a new life, give it meaning but those songs and themes made me sad--really sad and bring me to tears--sometimes ugly, snot-bubble, open wailing cries...

In spite of having a new-great life I was still having Hard Candy Christmases...

Then one day I thought, what is this home I want to go home to? What is this Blue Christmas I want to propagate? What in the world is there to be sad about? I have a great partner, great children who love me, a place to live, great family, great friends, a good life--what is this melancholy about? I had to have an attitude adjustment and instead of focusing on the sad stuff I started having better thoughts and enjoying the great songs and themes:

All I want for Christmas, is you!!

I can now sing along without getting depressed, I can now feel good to hark the harold Angel's sing, I can laugh along with Rudolph The Rednose Reindeer, Sleighbell, Jingle Bells and others-- I can even make it through

Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas---

...and not lose it--unless I'm watching Meet Me In St. Louis--then I lose it completely--but if it is just on the radio I can do it--I'm proud of where I am now and the progress I've made. This post has got long (as usual).

How do you handle Christmas?

Life is Short...

 It's been a couple rough months in our household...

Not because of finances or internal issues--rather because in that time frame we've lost 2 people that were close parts of our lives. There's a lot to be said for having a family of one's choosing, even if your blood family dynamic is good, there are those close to you that mean the same and sometimes even more than if they were related to you.

Through the last few years we've managed to create such a circle, the ones that you invite to each other's homes for dinner, birthdays and events, the ones that you've grown close to, have seen new love and relationships grow, children grow, things happen and the people that you know will be there for you for the good times but more important, when life doesn't go according to the script in our heads.

The first loss it was the husband of one of our dear friend's. Not that it makes any loss less catastrophic, but we had known for a while that Mark was ill and his health had been deteriorating slowly (or too fast, depending on who you ask).  Their time together was cut too short after it had seemed that the life we all dreamed of had finally materialized.

It was rough to watch our dear friend Joseph lose his love, go through the motions of taking care of arrangements, talking to people, doing what needed to be done. Sometimes words don't do anything to help the pain. All you can do is hope to be there when/if your loved one needs you. I had been holding things in and at the end of Mark's beautiful memorial service I lost it and sobbed uncontrollably in a friend's arms--the sadness was just too much.

Not that there was any time to recover & start healing from losing Mark, a little over a week ago we got word to run up to the hospital, another close friend, Kurt and his fiance had been in a car accident and Kurt didn't make it. There was so much going on for them, they had just bought a house, they were planning a wedding. We probably spent 2-3 days in shock, trying to comfort Kurt's fiance but also trying to comfort each other. Nothing prepares you for such a thing. We met with Kurt's mother and siblings in the middle of last week and that may have been the start of some healing, but sitting in a memorial service again brought lots of emotions.

It is true the funerals are for the living--in the end, you celebrate the lives that have touched you, hang on to the good times and memories--again this is very important--hope to be able to be there for their loved ones and tell your heart to hurt, be angry, resign itself and finally learn to live with the hole left by the departure of those you love. I think the most important thing I can say is that the last time I spoke to the two people mentioned there was no question of the love/care felt for them.


I learned a lot from Mark and Kurt--very different situations but both lived full lives, the kind of lives that you have no regrets, the kind that while you know there was so much left undone, there were few things left crossed off the checklist of things that make you truly happy because of their relationships and they way they found love, enjoyed whatever time was available and at the end of the day you lived it to the fullest. 

 The biggest lesson learned from all this for me:

Yes, why the heck not?

Goodness--where have I been?

Time flies...

It is not that I don't have enough things to say on a blog, in fact I have several drafts on thoughts that I've started, saved and think that I'll come back to finish some other time and then I don't...

I do check my page a few times a week and that's where I usually catch up with the blogs I follow or the good ol' Moho Directory.

Life is just busy, not the best explanation but probably the best reason...

I guess it goes to show for those that wander where will the deplorable path of the gay agenda that people warn you about--if you ever want to follow it:

Get up
Get ready for work (being awake is debatable)
Get to work and put in a full day
Come home
Make dinner
Clean up dinner
Go take a class if there's one going on (guitar, cooking, there's lots of that)
Catch up on the DVR if there's time

Sometimes you're lucky enough to have friends over for dinner so entertaining is a must and a very re-charging activity

Sometimes you're lucky enough to get invited to a friend's place for dinner and be entertained--works both ways and that's great when it happens.

On weekends:
Catch up on chores and cleaning, laundry, etc, etc (blah!)
Catch up with family activities
Check in on parents
Get to work on whatever project is going on at the time.
Clear out the mail basket, pay bills, plan for the week.

Lather--rinse--repeat...

A couple times a year:
You get lucky enough to get away for a week somewhere maybe fly out or drive off for a long weekend.
Explore the place (oddly enough be dead tired by 9pm and crash).
Get out of the normal grind.

Somewhere in between life happens, friends and family call/text, you check in on a loved one who is sick, you watch a new relationship bloom, another relationship end, babies born, babies grow, people grow, some get sick and some of them die...

YEP gays are causing all kinds of horror and distress on the world --personally I am not certain where I could find the time and energy for it--I might just be too exhausted. 

I have no time or energy to rack up my brains about what was said at the last LDS general conference, or what apostle or public relations media release says about me, my husband, our lives--I'd rather spend my time/energy on other stuff (I still see the stuff, I live in the middle of it--just choose not to let take a prominent place in my life).

I have made a conscious decision not to get too political on social media--what I may have to say will not change or help sway anyone's mind--so what's the point?


And that--is the story of my life...

Where have I been? 
Probably trying to live it...
Enjoy the sunset...
Enjoy a flock of birds fly by...

Funny how some things seem to be more significant as time flies (read get old)....

What's the point of this post?

Oh yeah--I'm still around